Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Good Guy Gone Bad!

Happy Holidays to you...that is the proper way to start this off. It has been awhile since I have been up here and just for a few updates my birthday was cool and so was Thanksgiving. I didn't do too much and well that is fine with me. So now we are in the Christmas season and with it days away people are more concerned about giving and being a good samaritan more than ever. As for me...I have been doing a lot of taking and for once I do not feel bad about my actions!

I was one that did not involve myself in having lady friends for convenient reasons...bed buddies...fuck buddies...that has truly changed. I feel that my house and bedroom has become a revolving door of just doing what I want and getting what I want and still being civil(for lack of a better term/not nice) about it. I am not dogging anyone out, but I feel that my good guy and nice guy image is not working here in this area and I ought to be taking advantage of whatever at this time.
I am not really concerned with the way it may make me look. Besides I was being a gentleman and that got me nowhere.

I opened doors at all times whether it be in and out of the car or hers...doors at the movies...anywhere...taking care of the bill at a dinner or name it I made sure I was the chivalrous guy...that of course is out of the window!

I guess it is part of a change that needs to take place. It is very hard to find true and genuine folks, and I will say I am too lazy to deal with the B.S., plus the nice guys finish last anyway. So why continue to do something knowing that it is not going to change. We all know that is the definition of insanity.

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Walk Around Heaven All Day!

That is what she is doing...she is walking around heaven all day and able to not have a care about what goes on down here on earth. I think that if our loved ones made it to heaven they might not have a clue (earthly clue) of what goes on down here...and why would they even care? I do know that our loved ones who are no longer with us miss us as well, but they have done a great job on Earth. They have fought the fight and were able to earn their long robe and get to hear stories straight from Jesus and meet Him...hug Him..say thank you to Him face to face for the sacrifice of His life for the sake of our own. I do not think there is a need to see the hurt, pain, and despair here. It is time to celebrate and see all of the others that they know or have heard of and share in a joy of talking about how they got over. I am sure they take glimpses of our lives to make sure we are doing well and to see only the good things that are occurring in our lives, but the bad...I doubt they see it. Why would you want to view negativity in paradise?

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Today is not only my's mother's day too!!

Me and my crazy mind always doing my own thing and not joining into the cliche'. I don't celebrate holidays when people want you to. For example, I am not one who celebrates Valentines Day when most of country (United States)does. That is too common and silly. Do what others do for the sake of doing it? Not me!

The specific case I will talk about is on this day! For me and many others today is Mother's Day! My mother gave birth to me on this day, so this is the day in which she became a mother. I feel that birthdays are also days that should be celebrated jointly with mothers because it is their day that they birthed a new person into the world. So Happy Birthday to me...and Happy Mother's Day to my mommy! I miss you and I love you!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Married...Part Time.

I have a couple of friends that are married...part time. In other words the ring of trust (wedding band) goes on the ring finger when it is necessary and then disappears into their pants pocket when it is advantageous. I am not one who supports this ridiculous crap. In addition, one of these people happens to have a wife that is over 9 months pregnant and tried to talk to one of my female friends...WHAT? I could not beleive it when it was brought to my attention and I was very upset and apologized to my female friend for that type of mess.

Another friend of mine...we have NEVER seen a photo nor has he ever brough his wife to any of the parties I have hosted or any of the happy hours we have gone to. He says that his wife is "not very social and does not like to go out a lot". So I guess that is the reason he slips the wedding band off and attempts to talk to some of the ladies in the bar....and probably does his thing on the side. Such a horrible thing!

I am quite upset concerning these dishonest and stupid actions. How can you go home to your wife (or husband) and wake up next to them when you are not satisfied with the decision that was made to wed them? Do not try to live like you are not married when you actually are, it is WRONG! You are married full time not when you want to be. It is not just is women also. If you do not want a ring of trust then say NO or I DON'T at the alter!!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One more battle left...

It is true...I have one more battle left and that is all I need right now. I have finally sold my mother's house and it feels good. All of the drama I had with the real estate agents and title companies is done. I am glad of it. It took longer to close on the house that it took to sell it...GO FIGURE!! I can just lay my head on my pillow and say thank Jesus. I have one more battle left and Lord knows I am primed and ready for this one. There is nothing I will accept that is less than a win. My mother is gone and I have accepted that, but I am not going to accept the enablers of this tragedy not taking the responsibility of their lack and apathy of proper medical procedures and care! If you thought I have fought through other things before...wait til you see me fight now! No excuses, not personal, just plain and shrewd Clint!!

I Love You But, God Loves You More!

Live Music...The Brand New Heavies Edition!

I don't think I have ever been so excited as I have been when I went to see the Brand New Heavies. I remembering practicing Jan's drum syncopation's over and over of every album right down to to when he would hit the hi-hat to a fill. I patterned my style of play to his and also to that of drummers who played for James Brown. I am grateful that I was able to see them with the great seats I had.

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Spontaneous Reactions...Part 3

This will probably be very random..and thus why this blog is entitled...the above.

I have to say that as far as my life is rolling right now I can't complain. I am out of debt and just taking care of business. I have to replenish my savings but hey I have more money to build with instead of paying bills.

I wish the 49ers would get it together...come on team let's do this. we can still win the NFC West and get into the playoffs!

I officially DO NOT have to go back to the 757 for anything unless I want to visit. This will be the first time in my life I will not have a place to stay. Wow, that is something.

I don't have a pace to go for the is okay I guess...I will try to take a vacation or something...I am thinking of Vegas!

For some odd reason I am now attracting more women...I don't know why? I will admit that I do think about Bennett at times, but that is over and done..I wish stuff would have been different but oh well. I am enjoying the new attention, but I am still sticking by my guns and not going to entertain anything more that leads to me being in a relationship or the dreaded marriage word.

I am looking for more things to do now. I have been to some parties and concerts. I feel like I am having fun again. I don't know where this is coming from, but hey I am liking it.

My drastic weight loss has now made some people upset. I am like oh no...this must be done. I have to get back to the size I was last year. My method of doing this is working pretty well and not as volatile as it was a few years ago. I am very glad of that.

I suppose that overall I am getting happier as the days go by. I do think about mom and what the possibilities are for my life in the near future and in some respects I am excited and in others I am just scared to death...all in all I am getting prepared and I feel I will handle it well.

I need to make an appointment to get the rest of my things from the school. I will donate the computers to them..maybe take one ..and ask them to donate it in the name of my mother and ask for a tax write off paper...yeah that will work.

I am having a party this weekend..this has been a season of many parties at my house and I am finding it fun. I have not been one to have a lot of stuff at my house but hey since the crib is looking tight and I have the room I should go for it.

I am very happy that Alex had her own place and that her Poppa is doing great. I am also surprised that she stayed at my crib for a week and wasn't too bad. I am not one who plays house or ever had a roommate but it was cool.

I can feel that old Clint coming back slowly but surely and that is something some people do not want to see. I am not concerned with the opinions of others and how they view me. I am that good and I am that great!!

Just for the hell of it I might add a picture to this

My birthday is in a week, and I must say I do still look younger than my age! I have noticed some people from high school and college and they look old and well they look old and like their life has been really really hard! God bless them though!

I listened to a tape of my radio show from some years I was good...I would love to do radio again!

I am also getting the urge to play again! Look out because this time the whole band will be back together!!

I need to go to Busboys and Poets sometime soon and spit some new poetry.

I am going to put that pic somewhere...well it is up at the top!

This is it for now!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Friday, October 23, 2009
















I Love You But God Love's You More!

I Am...The Sideline Guy!

Alright I must admit that she is sexy! I don’t know if it is her disposition or mystery she possesses, but she is damn sexy to me. She has beautiful skin…smooth near mocha perfection, honey brown complexion…yummy indeed (I can only imagine), and well maintain hands and nails…that is very important to me. The catch is that I know what she is in relationship-wise and she does make time for me…yeah I ca admit it and take my role on this team…I am the sideline guy!

It is cool with me though. We have plenty in common with each other. We are both from the 757, both went to Governor’s School for music, and we both know some of the same people. To augment that, we both are only children and ...wait for it…wait for it…she has no children! This goddess that I do not have a nickname for at this time is about 5 or 6 years older than me but hey I can deal with that. It is quite odd because… I know there was a mutual attraction when we first met and we conversed from that point on and she told me the deal. There was no hiding the fact but she wanted me to know that there is a possibility (this does not go against earlier posts about me being alone forever, I still do believe and accept that)… I know I am the sideline guy!

So what is the sideline guy? That is when I or any guy can sit back and chill…do what I want to do with whomever…knowing that she is in a “relationship” (notice not married)! She is in a “relationship”, that is not good and not bad. It is indifferent and since right now I am doing me and what I want to do it works for me. The dangerous thing about being the sideline guy is that you wait for your chance to substitute in the game when the starter can not play, is on injured reserve (he pissed her off), or is removed from playing consideration (she dumps him and wishes him well in his future endeavors). I like that she has let me know this and we communicate in an open and honest fashion. We chill when we can and that is all that is needed. She is doing her thing and I will do mine, but when we chill together, it is just about us.

I have never been this excited and elated about being on the sideline, but I do recognize that a lot could happen. One of us (not me) could catch feelings and want more, knowing that it is not possible at that time. I might just want to stay on the sideline and not have any other role. Hell she might have many on the sideline and I am not the only one…it is possible. I just say that the sideline guy is looked upon in a bad way, but remember in any event whether in real life or on the sports field…you get paid either way! Notice though I am not on the bench!

I Love You But, God Loves You More!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Reasons You May Not Like Me!

For the past several weeks I have made a lot of changes. most of it dealing with people that I know. I was told that by a current friend that it is alarming how I am quick to dissolve friendships with people and think of all of them as expendable...well not all of them are expendable but hey I am a loner so if people want to go then adios! I know why I am this way and it has prompted me to not really care for the most part, because I don't. The reasons that will be expressed in this blog are all real life occurrences and well, it is a story that could happen to anyone. I am not saying my story is the worse, but it is one that gives me the attitude that I have. It has given me that "chip" on my shoulder, and a disposition that only a FEW can take. I often wonder why it is only a FEW, but I think people have a grand facade and like to promote their facade and ignorance towards life knowing that their facade is not the truth!

Before I was born I remember my mother telling me that she had to go in front of the church, before the deacons, and apologize for having a child or being pregnant out of wedlock. I suppose that begin the rogue nature of my existence because I know my mother didn't like it. Why did she apologize in front of a bunch of men? And some of them were trying to sleep with her...I do not know, but she did it because of my grandparents...who are not really my grandparents. They are biologically, my great uncle and great aunt, but since they did the job, they get the title. I do know who my grandparents are on both sides of my family, but they are deceased. My biological father did not claim me as his own...more to come on that subject later, but my mother did happen to find another man that she thought would love her! Well to make a long story short this sorry excuse for a man beat her up and beat me up! My mother took it for a short amount of time and when she got him back, she got him back good...iron cookware seems to come in handy to bust someones ass! The aftermath was something else though. He stalked us into our new residence and well he hit my mother so hard that she was knocked out cold and I had to call 911. I do also remember her having to go into surgery and it was rough seeing that at a young age but I suppose it was for a reason. Mom got over that and divorced him and moved on with our lives. I can say that my mother was an enabler of sorts because she put up with some stuff she didn't have to from men. I do partly blame her because she was a heck of a woman. college educated, had her own, and some of these men were not on her level. She gave them a chance anyway. To make a long story short she got married against my wishes in 1992..and well she got divorced in 1996. We moved from her dream house during a hurricane in 1997...we went through a lot. Many of the things that happened and despair to follow came from the one thing that we did and got burned on TRUST! Now to my reasoning.

I have been through a lot. Bio-dad told me I was his at 16...met my grandparents on his side...only with in that same week to say I wasn't his child. I had to take care of my sick grandparents from 1989 to 1995. helped my mother through that. I watched them deteriorate and well grandfather from lung cancer and grandmother from Alzheimer's (which is a horrible disease)! Many might not know but I SHOULD HAVE been number one in my high school graduating class, but the principal and a math teacher who was putting wrong grades in her grade book, found a way to screw me out of it. I was taking college courses in high school and well my GPA was higher than everyone else. I have seen one of my friends die in a tragic accident in Jr. High school. I was screwed out of continuing my degree from the university I wanted to go to by my mother's second husband. I have been homeless, sick, in hunger, destitute, flat broke, in love, out of love, without a car, without a job, on the street, tricked, used, abused, so on and so forth. This is not give me sympathy moment.

I am now to the point after losing my mother the way I lost her and after enduring all of this (with God's grace) ask myself what else do I have to go through? I have been through it all and I think of myself now as invincible. There is nothing right now that I can not take. I am a realist, I do not take pleasure in the pretty picture that everyone likes to post. It is just a representative of a snapshot of time and not the full story. These pictures are silent words in time! I have said that many people speak cliche's to others to make them "feel good" but not feed the truth. In all of these situations I have been through, I was able to survive and have the best of everything through the bad times. I was able to walk out of every hospital I was rolled into. I am now a college graduate with 2 degrees and did not miss a step and graduated on time. I was still able to bounce back from the homeless situation and now be financially strong and stable. With the loss of my mother I expect greater and better things to come from this. I am not a pessimist, nor am I am optimist. I am a realist and visionary.

I do not stroke egos and tell my friends what they want to hear. I speak things plain and clear and if they are upset, oh well it is not my place to speak something to them that is not true...I am transparent and many can not respect nor do they accept it. They still look at that snapshot...the silent words of a picture and feel that it is continuous, when it is just a and non-changing static figure of life.

I have also learned that it is not about me. Whatever will happen, will happen because God said so and that is it! It is not a matter of Him controlling everything (such as free will) but His perspective is so great and so wide that He knows what the final outcome will be.

I do not see the color in situations I see black or white...right or wrong...I will not see the color because it yields to confusion. I have heard and seen people try to rationlize the wrong and make it right knowing damn well they are wrong and nothing but wrong. It seems to be a pattern that is sickening to me and I refuse to accept it. If you look at a traffic light the red...means stop...the green means go...the yellow...causes all of the confusion. If a man stole bread to feed his family or if a man stole because he was hungry, it does not matter, is wrong! If people would take a stand on right and wrong and not try to use the max/min principle of living (maximum amount of benefit for the minimum amount of work) there wiould be so many wonderful changes in the world!

I am a tough person and I will remain that way! I do not walk the road that everyone travels and I take pride in walking the road that is less traveled. It does get rough at times and I sometimes want to move to the road that has already been paved with tons of traffic...but for some reason...maybe the resolve in me...maybe the challenge in me...maybe that crazy aspect in my brain...I want to walk to my own tune and knock down the doors I need to, for my own satisfaction and my own knowledge! Many know I will do that and make my mistakes and be okay with it...I know I will make then. I just accept them and learn from it and vow not to make the same one again.

Many people do not like the tough folks because we don't stand in the shadows of sympathy and utter emotional B.S. Get up do what you want to do and screw what those other people think! Just face the facts! More folks are worried about how they look in the morning rather than how they look to God! More peopole are concerned with their title or rank in the world rather than the ultimate title of being a child of God! So if you do not like me that is fine. I am cool with it because I don't need anyone but God. I have a short time on this Earth and I am an endangered species...there is only one me...and while I am here I will make the best of the opportunities that will benefit me and possibly benefit others. There is a line of one of my favorite gospel tunes called Hold To God's Unchanging says:

Trust in Him who will not leave you
Whatsoever the years may bring
If thy earthly friends forsake you
Still more closely to Him cling

That is how I live. That is how I will live! Mommy taught me well and I don't mind singing it and shouting it to any and everyone! Live faithful to right...reject wrong!

I Love You But God Loves You More!

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Battle You Do Not Want To Fight

I am a Chemist. I take pride in being in the field of science but not when you are called a Neo-Nazi, Baby/Infant Killer, War-Monger, and the most controversial of things before any of these aforementioned in my opinion, an ATHEIST! I will say I have battled this for years, the ability to keep my religious views and faith in God intact while staying true to my factual and quantitative scientific training. If you have no idea about this please let me help you to understand.

I was taught long before anything that God created the heaven and the earth and that He created everything. On the flip side I was taught that the Big Bang Theory was the reason that life was created and that particles fused during this expansion to create what we know today as our solar system. From the fusing of protons during this expansion we create atoms of different kinds to form elements, and that the main elements that helped to create life through amino acids and proteins were Carbon, Oxygen, Hydrogen, and Nitrogen.

See the conflict that one may have. So people then question God since you can not see Him nor have any idea that He is really around. We can see atoms and detect particles and create new elements and compounds.

God created everything and when I say everything I mean everything. He allowed the Big Bang to happen and thus create the atoms and particles that we use to quantify creation.

I was taught that God moves in ways to help people advance and that "Intelligent Design" meaning that we can explain the that the "evolution" of animals including humans came from another means...God! In essence it is a modern form of the traditional theleological argument for the existence of God, but one which avoids specifying the nature or identity of the designer. Tt is a refuting of evolution made famous by Darwin and his theories that are taught universally, and "intelligent design" is for the most part banned! I know of some professors based in the D.C. area that have been fired from even mentioning "intelligent design" in their classes, journals, or scientific conferences.

On the scientific side of things we are taught that it is natural selection which species will be able to survive due to mutations within their genetic codes. Darwin's theories have made the headway for this and is accepted today. It is commonly taught that ancient man evolved from and ape-like creature into what he is today. Furthermore, it is also taught by academia that particular animals are related to each other by analogous structures found in ancient fossils and connections from one animal genre to another.

God made these animals different ways, shapes, forms, and kinds. These animals He thought would be an addition to our inquisitive minds and so He left traces of them through the fossil record and other means using Carbon-14 dating and well you get the idea. So there are no dinosaurs around because they are not alive and around today but imagine if they were? There are no apes that will be evolving into men anymore so imagine if they were still around? If you notice that all of these animals dead. alive, endangered, extinct, and so on had hearts, eyes, ate food, pooped their food waste products on and so forth.

The latter two scenarios are just the tip of the iceberg for a scientist to remain within their faith and still remain true to their love of science. I have had this battle for years and I had to make a choice. Yes I do believe in God and will not reject that faith. In addition, I am also a scientist that has worked with several factions of study and happen to have verifiable proof of what is and what isn't...BUT there are some things I can not explain and other scientists can not explain for the most part such as:

Why did the Big Bang happen?
How can a brown cow eat green grass and produce white milk?
Air combined is made of extremely flammable substances, why does it not ignite when heated and kill all mankind?

The questions can go on and on..only God knows. So I will take solace in what I know to be fact and leave the rest to Him!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Total Package

I was told that I have it going on...I've got the "total package" and that I should be dating someone or have a wife and some children by now. On those notions I said thank you,smiled,laughed,and walked away. I know that for some ladies it seems that a guy that has education, moderate good looks, independent, no children, drug free, alcohol free, and so on and so forth should be at the top of a woman's list to date. That is not always the case. Many ladies DO NOT want a successful man. Yes you read correctly! It is not that we are not wanted, it is that we are not needed. Most women I have come in contact with are either at my level, or slightly below. Okay I will not lie and say that some are not even near my level, and in some cases it matters and in other cases it doesn' some men. As for does matter, but I digress.

Many ladies want a man they can control...and with this control they have the upper hand. They will take a man that has a roommate and living with siblings and put that man in her household...stating as a reason that she doesn't want him in "that' environment. Whatever "that" means! She will also take a look at the education and skills he may or many not have and put him on to a new job or schooling that will lead into a career...she doesn't want that man to appear inferior especially when she tells her friends what he does for a living(provided if she has told her friends the juicy details of her new interest). In addition, she will even discard of the old wardrobe that man has and start fresh and new. Making sure the fragrances matches the body chemistry he may have. Coordinating the colors he may wear to his skin tone. Selecting pieces that bring out features she would like to accentuate from the flat front or pleated pants to a single breasted or double breasted sports jacket. Moreover a woman may even take the time to work on table manners by saying subtle things such as,"Don't smack sweetie." or "I can see all of the food you are chewing honey, please!" it can continue to minute things to how to taste wine, to eating at fine restaurants, to having a nice looking wallet and time piece, to taking a man for a manicure and the list can go on and on. This may sound like a long shot but believe me I have seen it for myself when out on double dates and from what some of my friends both female and male have told me.

Then when this man has been created and is unleashed, this women thinks that this man will stick around. The outer appearance, the table manners, the style of clothing, the career, you might be able to change, but the mind is a different matter that only the man can change. So when a lady has put her time and effort into this man...don't think that other ladies don't see this and want to try their hand at this new man that you "created"! He is living off of what you did from your good will and not get too upset if your creation turns on you and is not taking the directions of it's "creator" or "master"! He gets full of himself due to your actions and realizes that he can find better than his "master" or "creator"! Just because the sex might be good...that is not going to make him stay!!

All of a sudden when this TYPE of scenario plays out the ladies then want an already established and independent fellow that has the "total package".

Me having the "total package" doesn't mean much to me. I was raised to be a man and take care of my own and have my own. I do not need to depend on a woman for anything and I should not date a woman that is not taking care of her own as well. So I will take my place in the line of those guys that have the total package, but ladies do not think I am obligated to share it with you...because I am not! You can get your own package and be proud of how you got there. DO NOT use others to carry out your own wishes and dreams, you might be standing there with an open package and you just holding a a bag lady!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What a hug can bring!!!

I am still in awe about that hug we shared. The last person I hugged for that long...if for that long was my mother! I will not deny and say that I did not enjoy the hug that my friend and I had and that it was confirmation that there are feelings there...but right now it is time to take it slow and enjoy each other as friends. I have said time and time again that I do not want to be with anyone ever, but something tells me that as hard as I fight it and as much as I resist...I just might not have my wishes respected or come true.

I am not afraid of being alone (because I am) and many people are, but I simply do not trust people and have a very hard time believing anyone. It is not that I do not try, but I have had a history of people both men and mostly women tell me a falsehood and try to rationalize it with a bullshit reason. Actions do not speak louder than words...the words and actions must match in my opinion! I have been in that game that I have been thrown into for a long time and many people do not like it when you bring it (their lies and deception) tell them what they told you and then they look and try to make it seem like you are the bad person when all you want that person to do is to acknowledge that they did not keep their word.

Since I have moved to the D.C. area it is simply epidemic the amount of people that have the dependability of an never know when they will be dependable and not deceptive and you have no inference if they ever will be dependable and not deceptive. Their character is like the weather temperature of a day, you can't scientifically or by use of common sense detect it's exact temperature for a moment. I am not perfect but this is the main reason I don't mind being alone...less stress, and less to worry about. I can worry and take care of myself. I can love myself. I don't need anyone else for anything but me!

Even with these thoughts in mind I can say that I trust my friend. We had a slight hiccup earlier in the year but it seems as if things are right where they were when we left off. I can say that I feel happier when we chat and kid around. It feels good!

Sometimes in the chemistry world you fight to combine the suspension of 2 liquids like oil and water, by adding a substance...usually soap that will allow it to mix. Some way (without getting too technical) it comes together due to its molecules able to mix and because of the soap being in the solution. If anything there will take a lot of soap to mix me in the relationship testtube and suspension. I don't see it and it will never happen!!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Message for the Gay and Lesbian Community...CHILL OUT!!!!

I am not gay or a homosexual...I have pride in my sexuality just as the gay and lesbian community does. I can say as a Black man I have been treated in some aspects differently and denied specific things because of my skin color...I can relate for the fight for rights! I have no problem with your decision to live your life the way you would like to...but I do have an issue with the protest held yesterday in the D.C. area. It is not that I do not understand what you want...equal rights that are not subject to proof of your or affirmation of your decision to live the lifestyle in which you live, but there is a time and place for everything and focusing on your rights at THIS particular time does not give you or your fight a good look. There are more pressing things going on in this country that must be taken care of initially and I feel President Obama will then address gay and lesbian issues.
For example, if you do not have a job...that would push the gay and lesbian agenda to the wayside. People who are homosexual and heterosexual are hurting and desperate to work in this declining job market. People want to work and take care of their bills and their families. Coupled with the lack of employment that also means no health care. I would think that being able to be financially and physically healthy would be more important right now than some of the trivial aspects of your agenda. The United States has 2 wars...we are trying to gain the upper hand in Afghanistan and end the other war in Iraq...lives on both fronts are still being lost in the process. There are countless other issues as far as education, crimes committed against and by adolescent children, and crime as a whole are paramount! This seems to be more important to not only heterosexual people, but some with in the gay and lesbian community! That trumps the rights and privileges that you may want at this time. Getting America back to work and providing all Americans with health care seems to me...more urgent than ratification of your causes by the President. Us heterosexual folks know that you have an agenda and that you want to have the perks of the heterosexual...but can you be a bit more patient? President Obama said he will get to it and he heard you all the first time and he acknowledged it. Chill out and let him take care of what is important to ALL Americans and not just your sect!

I Love You But God Loves You More!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Live Music...The Kem Edition!

I love live music and being a muscian has afforded me the opportunity to play on stage in a live setting. I love to play live and go on tour and such. Last night I saw Kem...I must say the brother is awesome live and also recoreded. If you have not seen him live...DO IT!!

I Love You But God Loves You More!!

Friday, October 2, 2009

If you can’t go dutch…don’t get married!

Imagine the ideal situation in which two people that love each other decide that they want to do the ultimate…the paramount…and get married. This would be the end result of the story…but will the product be the same if at some point while dating and creating a sustainable relationship, one person realized that the other party can not go dutch!
We see this all of the time, a man and a woman (in most cases) decide that they are enamored with each other and embark upon a dating relationship. The questions are asked concerning what type of activities that they participate in, types of music they enjoy, genres of movies they take pleasure in watching, even down to the topic of sex…which is usually brought up when the time is right. The dates that the couple participate in are sometimes paid by the man on a consistent basis (because I am a man I say this) and sometimes by the female. The assumption that money is being made by both individuals is substantiated because both are working. Occasionally the amount of their annual salary might be the topic of a conversation later in the relationship, but it is not a serious factor.
Cupidity eventually takes hold of both of them and they realize that they want to do the damn thing…get married. Friends and family are contacted and alerted of the great news and of course the date is not set but it is I the works after a few “minor” details are completed. The female shows the ring off with smiles and affection for this time she knows that her search is finally over for the man she will spend the rest of her life with and initiate a family with is all hers!
The HIV tests are taken, the pre-marriage counseling is another joy to add to their positive interaction and relationship repertoire. They find out they have even more in common than they thought. So of course it is time to achieve one last thing and that is to share each other’s credit report! That’s when all hell breaks loose.
One of them if not both of them have bad credit…credit so awful that it will stunt the process of getting a home and effective financial planning for the future of their marriage and also for a potential family. Buying a home, purchasing a new automobile, old bills that are in collection and unsatisfied judgments to eventually mix with possible new bills and the proclivity of credit denials are the conversation now.
For example, “You never told me you had bad credit?” “When were you going to tell me that your credit was jacked up?” Love should guide us not money! “I thought you loved me for me and not for my money!” “I am working on getting my credit repaired.” “Oh that bill came from something my parents did!” “I was helping out one of my people’s and purchased a cell phone for them in my name and they didn’t pay the bill!”
The list of reasons and statements of discovery and newness can continue but it is true: If you do not have your finances and credit together do not expect to even embark upon a marriage. It is not to say that some situations can not be worked out, but being equally yoked is more than in a spiritual sense, it is also in a sense that the person you decide to settle down with has the congruent awareness that financial management is a part of their character, not just the ability to work and maintain a lifestyle and it is not something to be taken lightly. I wonder if more people took the time and had the conversation about finances and credit, would their relationships last or would their relationships be doomed. If you can’t go dutch…don’t get married!

I Love You But God Loves You More!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Solo Groove...Lost In Your Song

I know tried to do this all myself
Playing by ear gives me no help
It leads to our confusion and nothing else
That’s when I decided to step aside and admit
I’m lost in your song
I can’t keep grooving along trying to be in sync with you
I’m looking to sing your song but I can’t find which chords to use
I truly don’t know what instrument to choose
There is no rhyme to your lyrics…no rhythm to sooth my soul
The manuscript does me no justice
I’m lost in your song
What’s the tempo of your heart
Which segment of the beat do I anticipate the syncopated start
I just want to practice and play my part
Tell me what key that I need to tune
I’m lost in your song
When will we end playing solo and be able to perform
Some way and some how this parted ensemble will be joined
I don’t mind standing off stage from the audience and allowing you to conduct
I’m lost in your song

I Love You But God Loves You More!

It's October...Let the excitement begin!

So I have made it to the first day of the month. This month means a lot to me...many instances of change have occurred in this month. Octobers have usually started an incline in my life experiences. On this day back in 1991 at 9:30am, my grandfather died. It is significant for me because we do share the same name...although the first and middle names are interchanged while the last name is the same, but it was the time in which death was real to me and I started to grow to understand more concerning the cycles of life. I will say that it did not hit me hard until later on in life like my freshman year of college but it has been the start of things in a month that is usually exciting for me. A lot was brought to closure in the October's of my life from relationships, to new jobs, to new opportunities, to a copious amount of new experiences and it got a real large kick off yesterday concerning the house and my lawsuit. I think I am starting to smile as bright and wide as I was back in March and April. I will soon see what is about to happen...because as many surprises as this month brings, I have some surprises of my own!

I Love You But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Healthcare reform! How gullible are you?

Since my mother was killed (I dare say she died…that is too nice!) by the hands of an incompetent surgeon or group of surgeons I do feel that health care is one of the most important issues to me right now. I am all for changing the system of health care to make it more affordable and to regulate the insurance companies, but I feel a major component of health care reform has been left out, or someone is not talking about it.
One, health care reform should go as far as more stringent documentation and training of these doctors and surgeons to guarantee that people are getting quality care…for a low and/or affordable price. Two, wellness programs should be paramount instead of insurance companies and doctors opting for more expensive and invasive ways to cure the ill…for example physicians suggesting surgeries as the first resort rather than the last and prescriptions that are extremely expensive to obtain other than proven natural options to cure an ill or for it to permanently subside. Don’t prescribe it if it is not truly needed, because a doctor wants to get the most money for the least amount of research and work!
What is the difference from a doctor or surgeon that graduated first in their class from a prized medical school rather than a physician that graduated last? Nothing!! They are both referred to as “doctor”. Thus, are we as consumers and patients getting what we pay for? Are we getting quality based upon the opinion or opinions of doctors and surgeons that have done well in their coursework and their residency? For the most part we could say yes, but a deeper look at it says no. Why is this….EGO!! My mother told me she had the best surgeon working on her to removal a gall stone…but my mother died from mistakes made by the surgical team for a routine and albeit simple procedure. Whether or not the surgeon is coined as the best, what makes that surgeon the best… because a degree from a medical school does not mean a hill of beans! In addition, these surgeons and doctors train soon-to-be colleagues and God forbid they teach them the same awful techniques. This leads to a litany of professionals that happen to operate on patients the same way putting these patients at risk or the extreme…death. Will health care reform put the responsibility of these medical schools, doctors, and surgeons to the utmost scrutiny? I don’t know but I am hoping that this reform will help to put a handle on some of these medical doctors and surgeons.
Furthermore, when do we as consumers and the insured stand up for what we do pay for right now? We should be getting second and third opinions about decisions made from our primary care physician. We should do research on what ails us before we go to the doctor and have a better idea of what could be going on. We should be doing research as to what kinds of tests are being run on us to make sure that it is necessary to run that particular test. As consumers and patients of health care we ought to be taking a look at ways to be well and preventive care to make sure we do not just see the doctor when we are sick or have symptoms of something. Of course this leads back to the money aspect, but are we gullible consumers or informed people that want to make sure that we are getting what we are paying for and not wasting out money? It is amazing how we can go to many different department stores to choose the perfect item of clothing and pay posh costs for them, but do not take the same time and funds about our health. It is not only left up to the government to lead this change, but we do have a responsibility as patrons of this reform as well. We have no excuse to make sure we are healthy and to also challenge and question what our physicians tell us. There is a direct relationship that the insurance companies and physicians have that is extremely unyielding. The latter can also be said about the doctors and pharmaceutical companies. Focus on wellness and get more opinions! Ensure your own health care and reform from the household outward!

I Love You But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Let the argument go…
Yes I knew you know
I didn’t mean for it to go wide right
Tried to do what it do…
All just to please that freak in you
I’ll make it better the next time you want me to drive
I mean you were
So rough
And so loud
You almost drew a crowd…
And you know that shit ain’t right
This can’t be the last time…
I promise to wax it ‘til it shines
I’ll make sure it won’t go
Wide right

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Accept The Truth!

The realization of still loving someone is not the problem nor will it ever be. The fact remains that person does not love you back. Is that feeling hard to shake? Not really because I have had that feeling before...from another source. There are times when I will feel accepted and other times when I just don't feel it. How do I know? because I have been there once again many times. It happened with the denial from my biological contributor, and numerous times in my love life and recently with another person who wants nothing to do with me...which I have accepted and well...has prompted me to make other decisions that will manifest next month.

The purpose of writing this is to make clear that the old adage or cliche that..."There is someone for everyone!" is not true, not only for me but for many others in the world. I do believe I am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. As hard as it is to realize it sometimes I do realize it more and more everyday. I have been told many things about me and my attitude and how I trust no one...and my lack of trust has augmented even more from the events of the person who wanted me to "let her in". I do not believe there is a woman for me. There will not be a woman who will love me for me and what not so I do not intend on even trying. Things will become even more difficult to decipher because of the major change to my financial status that will happen as a result of my law suit from the death of my which I will not give anymore details about until all is said and done. So this is it, I seriously doubt at this time that I am someone a woman might want nor would like to have. I am not mad or sad about it...I am being realistic.

I Love You... But God Loves You More!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Coffee Pot Confusion!

That instant coffee is what does it for the tea kettle on the stove and wait for my water to boil. I like having the radio on to hear the weather report so I will know what to wear.


More disease in Rwanda, hundreds to thousands of more children die due to lack of medicines and famine!

Got to grab my tie! Uh where is that weather report!


Mother kills her children in a murder for hire money scam to gain back her estranged husband!

Did I get the French Vanilla Cream I like?


46 people assumed dead in a deadly train derailment...Let's go the Philip Richardson for more details!

Got to call her later, set it up for tonight! Loving this cologne on me!


AIDS continues to spread rapidly in highly populated areas such as Chicago, Washington D.C., New Orleans. Studies show the Black community still at high risk!

Make sure I am strapped!


Domestic violence believed to be the reason behind shopping mall massacre!

I don't shop at the mall anyway! Too far to drive the Beamer the way where is that weather report?

Breaking News:

Dangerous convict has just escaped prison and he could be armed! If you see this man call police as soon as possible!

Got to get some eggs for breakfast tomorrow morning because I know she wants to eat...damn I hate cooking...but it is good!


Economists say more decline on the way this year as 189,00 more people have lost their jobs this week alone! Unemployment benefits nearly maxed out!

I always like these that square toe in the front so the cuff hangs right!


More Middle-East violence as religious factions riot in a near by private school. witnesses say that the violence has now spread to harm innocent children!

Got all I need to get ready for this meeting at work. I am glad I am always looking good I this tie. Blackberry...cell phone...Got my jacket...time for the coff...


Gang violence on the rise as police try to control the local drug trade.


Now for local weather. Skies will be partly sunny and a high of 74 looks picture perfect here...hope it is where you are as well! Now back to Jessica Malone for more news!

Almost forgot my...

Did I hear the tea kettle...or was that a scream?

I Love You, But God loves You More!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Miracle In You!

Falling in love is the simple work...maintaining the love is the task that is the most difficult. But I, for the sake of my life can't find what I am seeking in you. Chronicles of walking on water and raising the dead have been confirmed through the affirmation of faith and biblical tales. Dare-devils and life altering escapes from destruction and death have riddled the television frequencies and radio dials, but I still don't is indeed a mystery to me when it comes to you.

A life of traveling from heart to heart has taken it's toll upon mine. There are faded footprints and skid marks from all various brands of ladies shoes...even yours...walking in the forward direction toward my heart and soul...but I still wonder about you.

I can imagine myself sitting upon love's tree and the whistling wind chanting proverbs and proclamations of love from others that have sat on it's limbs. From some that I am familiar with, to those that I am not...but I am waiting to hear your name coupled with mine...and that I can't deny...but I don't want to weigh the branches down upon which I now sit. As selfish as I want to be, and as careful as I must...I descend from the branches still in awe about you...and I am still waiting.

I wish I could have been the person who was the author of your heart...and in a selfish sense I would have written the stories and fables to appease my mind and quench my soul's thirst to find it in you...and yet I wait selfishly like a child wanting the essence of the taste of candy...just for that child and that child alone to enjoy.

I am a believer of the sick being healed, of the dead being revived, of the escape from hurt, harm, and danger...of the near miss...of the would have, should have, could have...of the fortunate happy accident! I have mused within the ancient volumes of potential mistakes and mishaps that were beneficial to mankind...I just long for the one just for me...the miracle in you.

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Cage!

I can't hold it no longer
I just want to let it out
If I would have held it
You never would have done what you did when you did what you did
But I had to let it out
I asked for clues when there were none to give
I asked for you to explain and you had already made it plain
But I couldn't sit
And Sit...
And sit...
And sit...
I can't hold it no longer
I just want to let it out
You said loving you was easy
But I couldn't allow myself to please me
I tried so long to hold, before in my mind it got cold
I never would have done what I did when I did what I did
But I had to let it out
So you could feel it
But I guess I'm the one who's the fool
To do what I said I wouldn't do
When I did what I did
But I didn't mean to do what I did
When you meant to do what you did
Because I had to let it out
Should have left it alone
But I had to let it out
Even though I was wrong
But I couldn't chill
And chill...
And chill...
And chill...
I had to let it out
Should have left my tongue in it's cage
It leads to love's demise
Do you really have to let it out?

I love You, But God Loves You More!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The New Leader of The Big Booty Crew!!

Five inch Stuart Weitzman stilettos clicking as you walk with your girls into the club. This was not the case years ago as you were not a part of the crew!

Flashback if you will 7 years ago, in college, biology major and no play from any other popular fellas, just the ones that were in the cut getting their career in check, the fellas that you didn’t want to date or even associate with. Yeah you were smart, had a cute face, body was okay, and you got tired of the brothers only wanting you because of your butt…as big and beautiful as it was and still is. You sought a man that wanted you for your intellect, your mind, not your body.

So you graduated that year and went on to a paid internship in an office setting. One of your friends from the “Slut Society” said that you need to walk on “Tramp Terrain” and that would be the only way for you to attract a man. You are too damn plain…too damn career minded, go out and have some fun and relax…all of this coming from a woman who would borrow money from you for rent, food, diapers, electricity bill, car payment…so her opinion was like gold to you! What’s up with your apartment, your car, your clothes, and your make-up? It is not what a woman in your stature should want and clearly no man would want you…another girlfriend say as she was sitting having more hair sown into her already sown in hair…show that ass you have a little more another girlfriend would say that would have on dresses that looked like it was 5 sizes too tight just to show off her boobs, pouch, and oblong ass. Hit the gym and tone it up sugah! Then you will see all the men wanting you!

You were extremely frugal with your cash! You didn’t buy all of the expensive clothes, shoes, furniture, cars, and so on because your parents taught you the value of saving your money and having your money work for you. But those Friday nights alone and weekends just staying in watching movies wasn’t enough for you. You would hear the stories of fun out on the town with the various men your girlfriends would date. How were they able to get these constant dates with all of these men, and not have to pay a dime? You remember the dates you had…to Friday’s, to a movie, a Go-Go concert, and realized well damn how can I get it like they have it?

You took your girlfriend’s advice and started a total transformation. Drinking the Wal-Mart diet soda was not good enough for you anymore…it was Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke that discount shit was off brand…you can’t do that anymore! You saw that you needed to change the look in your apartment. HGTV was the channel you would watch and you compiled a list of all that you needed to change in your place to make it more “modern” from the bed linen to the type of soap in the bathrooms…you changed it and your apartment was certified HAWT!

Compliments even from the maintenance staff that fixed the small and un-noticeable chip in your guest bathroom mirror! You changed your car from an Altima to a BMW 7 series of course and your wardrobe was nice and not all from expensive spots…now it is nothing but name brand from Macy’s to now Nordstrom, New York and Company to now Saks 5th Avenue, Old Navy to now Banana Republic, step up your game you heard, this must be the secret to the success that you wanted. You were now going to do what most sistas do…yeah cut your hair and then break out some new style, but you noticed that most of your girlfriends…had the best weave and hair additives to promote their outward appearance and the sista certified tried and true neck shake when warranted. You said well hell I’ll just straighten mine just a little more to accentuate my cheek bones and slender neck line.

You were all set except for one thing…flip phones were out…can’t be seen on that thing it wasn’t “smart” enough…got to get that Blackberry touch with the 5 mega pixel camera with the voice activation and free subscription to I-Tunes...make it fly like that!! Make-up…check, fragrance…check, lotion with the slight glitter tone…check, Prada purse…check…all is right and in place…time to roll to the club with the girls!

Five inch Stuart Weitzman stilettos clicking as you walk with your girls into the club. This was not the case years ago as you were not part of the crew! Now you have made it into the crew…the Big Booty Crew and look at the fellas staring at you…damn look at that ass…baby got it going on! Shawty is tight…she’s bangin’…damn fine as…damn just fine…if I could hit that ass just one time…you hear it over and over. Your girls are like damn look at all of the play and you just had to change your image baby…get that swag turn it on blast.

Doing that sexy, beautiful walk into the club and sit at the bar…free drinks flowing from here and there from almost every man at the bar to you and your girls. Offers to dance and to talk…You do that funny fake smile because you don’t see anyone who is worthy of your time. I am sorry the new time you have just garnered with the new you! Offers of phone numbers adorn your mind and you have allowed yourself to take a few, knowing you will not call…they are just not your type!

Then this fine brother comes up to the bar and sits next to you, your girlfriends approve of him…they give you that nod you have been waiting for all night…girl that’s all you! He smiles and says hello! Wait he didn’t acknowledge my beauty? You say hello back in astonishment. He asks how you are doing tonight. Wait he didn’t say what he wanted to do to me? You say you are doing pretty well just chillin’ on a Hersday with your girls! He tells you his name and then asks for yours and says nice to meet you. Wait he didn’t ask if I had a man and for my number? You tell him your name and give a salutation in return. He is striking up conversation and all of the time you are shocked...He didn’t do what you thought he would do. He is not of the mold that you are trying to attract…with all of the changes you have made you feel peculiar about it.

You continue to talk to him and notice everything that might be wrong with him…but he has your attention anyway. He has on Old Navy jeans…you don’t mess with that store anymore, but you did secretly like them. Shirt was INC from Macy’s…yeah you remember that line and it was fly, but not expensive or classy enough for you! His scent was Joop…nice cologne but it wasn’t that of an expensive amount per ounce. So you are about to write him off when he says to you…Do you know why I came over here to talk to you? You say no. He says, I can see right through you and you are not who you appear to be! One of your girlfriends I will not mention by name asked me to come out because I was looking to have a good time and just chill...and specifically meet you! She said you would be cool peeps to meet. She showed me some pictures of you and I was like she is beautiful…now I don’t know what to think, I was almost like this doesn’t look like the person in the pics. Is this one of those you looked better on MySpace moments?

You look at him with perplexed eyes. Why? ask. Because what she told me about you must be a lie...she said you were simple and just a smart lady who had not found the right one. Do you know your girlfriends envy you, because of your simple lifestyle, how you are content with just simple things that are nice, and not too extravagant? You live within your means and don’t flaunt.

I guess you look at them and wonder why they are able to do the things they do all of the time with this dude and that dude? They have tried to talk with some of my homeboys and then my homeboys, homeboys and it is all game they run. The reason they have all of those men taking them out all of the time is because they can’t afford to go out themselves. From the entire process of image consulting and changing from home to car to hair they are in debt…free clubs is what they go for and brothers that will buy them drinks…ever notice that they don’t ever buy a drink and the clubs are all free admission for ladies? Look if this is the new you then that’s cool I can walk away right now. But I have heard so much positive and uplifting things about you from your girls, and to see this? I don’t really know what to say.

Speechless you ponder about what you have done. You have changed for the plain and simple reason just to find a man and to please your friends…not to please yourself! All along you were the one that didn’t have to change…they already admired you for who you are and not what you became. It’s all true…but is it too late...or is it? Congrats to the new leader of the Big Booty Crew!!

I Love You...But God Loves You More!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Bob Ross, Cheerleaders, Fans, and Tainted Pictures!

I do not try to paint pictures that are not true...and through my experiences I have seen many people try to paint pictures that make them look good not only for themselves, but for their "cheerleaders' as well. I don't need to do that! I have been in the company of those who will not stroke my ego, nor will I make a story look favorable for me...thus to get a feel of what I am trying to explain let's use a wonderful painter... Bob Ross.

I used to watch him all of the time and I enjoyed the creations of art he would cultivate and manicure on his was an experience to hear his calm voice and then see his ability to attack a blank canvas and produce a wonderful work of art...which is HIS own. I realize that the art that we sometimes produce may look good to the eyes we present them too...but in all art there is always a flaw. Thus it might seem to be an easy thing to not detect because we present a pretty picture of what went or what is going on...but look deeper...what is not mentioned is the flaw...a subtle mistake...a cover-up...something you are not supposed to see or pay attention to...Bob had many as what he would call them..."happy accidents" but we knew they were there and as much as we tried to not notice them as viewers he made it clear that he has made mistakes in his art plenty of times...and he can do what he can to eliminate them, but he knows that they are there...and as we are viewers of the creation we know they are there as well.

I do not try to hide my flaws under the umbrellas of others because I may state in my writing who I am...or I may tell individuals what I want them to know so they can be on my I don't do that. A tainted picture is created and thus the emotions of others are turned toward you...and they feel either sorry for you, great for you, want to help you out, pity for you, or dog and down the other individual or individuals in the situation...true conviction will not allow that to happen. I will say that many times this has happened to me...and I have sat back and let it happen, but I have learned that the more one presents themselves to be paraded by and around "cheerleader" the more that their head is not in the game...they don't want to have fans.

Pick which side you want to be you want the fanfare of the cheerleader that can change in an instant?...because you control their emotions by your actions. When you are up they are up, happy...they are happy, sad... they are sad, pissed...they are pissed!

Or do you want the approval of the die hard fan...because no matter what you or lose...they will be mad at you and tell you in an unbiased way what you have done wrong or right...and they will still continue to support you through and true! Stop painting tainted only does you harm, you can have all of the cheerleaders you want...but the fans mean more!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Solution!

I will make this quick. In the scientific world it is always a joy when you find the with all going on with my health, my family, my mother's affairs, Kayla Harris, work, finances, cars, house, I know the solution!! I have never given up on anything in my life, and there has been only one time I was in this situation and I was able to get out of it, so let's get it in gear again! Stay tuned, because I am about to shock EVERYONE!!!!

I love you, but God loves you more!

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Suicide!

There are some times when you realize that you are completely done living. The issues and things that you have gone through have taken their toll to the point that your strength to endure is gone and don't want to see another day at all. In addition, you feel that your whole world is crumbling and nothing seems to be coming into positive fruition and thus, why lie? Why continue to suffer and be afraid of what is going to happen next? People may say that you have it good, you have it great, you have it so nice but their problems are more serious than yours...and you know it, but the volume of yours compared to theirs is not even worth comparing, because there is no number imaginable that could thwart yours.

There is no one there who can share your burden because those people have either gone away, or you pushed them away, or they chose to go and let you be alone, what ever the circumstance, you don't know who to call because they basically don't want to hear what you have to say or what is on your mind.

I will say that my suicide happened on June 4, 2009 when my mother died and is continuing. I must say that I do not know what I am doing with myself at all right now. I get mad for reasons I have no idea I am getting mad about. I am more paranoid than ever, having weird dreams, wondering who I can trust. I don't feel like eating even though I must. my kidneys are not functioning like they should, I am just a few ticks away from complete failure and possibly either transplant or dialysis. I want to be in the presence of others, and that has not been something I have ever craved! I still have the haunting picture of my mother in the ICU on my mind and how she looked and hoe she felt I can't shake off! I am tired most of the time and I look forward to nothing but my bed. I have even run some people...and someone I truly care about very much has gone am I dying?

I will say that I am slowly but surely! It is amazing how those you have been around all your life are gone and you can feel yourself going along with them, I can just hear the news reports and people say what happened to those who were survived fill in the rest. I am trying my hardest to live. I am not in the mood to be dead yet, although sometimes I feel like I am ready, and for the most part I am. I know there are things that I would like to accomplish in my life and some are like getting my PhD, to buy a house, to get married and have some children, I think I would be an okay dad...I wish my mother could see me when I do become a dad...telling my children about my mother...their grandmother would be really cool. I also want to marry a woman with brothers and sisters who also have children so I can be an uncle. I know it may sound strange but I would love to be called Uncle Clint...the crazy ass uncle that was loved because he did all of the stupid stuff...and never really cared about it too much!

This is my suicide, no I am not trying to kill myself or nor do I want to, but I am killing off the old me. I mentioned Harris V.2 and what it meant back in October and November, and maybe I saw it coming, that I have to change and I don't have a choice. For the person that I miss very much and you know who you are...I want you to know that my expectations were and still are high. It is difficult to show lots of variable emotions, when all you have done is be burned by it all of the time. I can do it this time without the prejudice of failure and heartache...if you allow me to. I blame myself, I blame my actions, I blame my life, but I will never blame you!

I will leave with a song I listen to quite often...when I am driving in my solemn and relaxing time, also in my loft... and I am singing with it loud and with true passion! Is is a definition, it is what is happening and I will continue to allow it! It is my suicide....and where the other me will finally reside...HEAVEN!

I love you, but God loves you more!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

D.T.A. Don't Trust Anybody...They are full of bullshit!!

D.T.A. means Don't Trust Anybody! There was a request made as was written in an earlier blog to..."let me in" what happens...I got burned! This individual got the advantage of learning what was on my mind and how I felt...and then decided to tell me what the prognoses should I can better be served...please... that is utter bullshit!

For the most part I am to blame to allow myself to "let someone in" and I got burned, I got screwed over...because I told the truth and did not mince my words. All people know when someone says to you..."I can serve you better as a friend." or "I think we should be friends." or "I only want to be a friend to you right now!" or "I just want to be there for you!" or "We are friends ...remember?" or "We will always be friends!" it doesn't mean shit...(especially when a woman says it to you, not a damn thing! People are trying to gauge how you feel and move in for the kill...move in for the susceptibility of your mind and heart at that do I know...because it has happened to me time and time again.

Then on the same notion these people come back to you and say well, it is your fault because it happens over and over...not the case. When the moment comes when I want to let someone in...I do it. In in most cases have to be asked to let it happen because they have problem with me not being open to them, sharing my feelings...all of that stupid mess, and of course me being so damn independent.

Yes you are right I am too damn independent because I know and my mother knew how people take advantage of you when you are down and want to know all there is about you so they can use it to their advantage and BOOM...POW...they got you...shot out of the water and in the case for this is literal since they know a lot about water, ships, and shooting people.

In addition to that, I am the first to say that I am not all that great looking and for many years women have settled for me for whatever personal financial gain, answers to tests and quizzes back in undergrad,because I had my own place, because I knew a few folks that could help them, because they were waiting for something better, because I was a "good time" for that moment because I try to treat ladies as well as I can friend or otherwise...

I am not insecure one bit...I know how ladies like to use that damn excuse...I am stating a fact. I am not the best looking dude and I am not the worst looking dude...I am okay...average to below average. I don't have the best body and I have worked and I am working hard to get it looking better...but when I say to a lady that yeah I know that your men in the past have looked better than me and I make the fact known...why the hell do you cower like a little bitch? I am speaking and stating the truth! Especially when you know damn well and you have said it to me plenty of times that you have many men that adore your appearance and like the way you look....yeah and also they look better than me in both stature and physical prowess...sorry I can't get plastic surgery for your ass...I am working to better myself...but me stating the facts and bringing them into the forefront DOES NOT mean I am insecure!

Don't talk that shit about how you have all these high expectations, but you have no patience! That is a bunch of bullshit that you are kicking and I refuse to go for it. I may not try to put my maturity and wisdom out there for all to see like this person does, but just because I don't, doesn't mean I don't have it and can't see past and through and around bullshit! I am not all of that on the aesthetics scale, but that all any woman has complained about in my life!

I am intelligent...a damn genius, I am independent..or as some would say, too damn independent, and I don't and won't change that! It is really easy for people to kick you when you are down! Say what you do wrong, how insecure you are, how you don't let them in, how you distance yourself, how your friends have fucking concerns, but you know damn well your friends ain't got a positive thing to say about me one bit, how weird I am, how I say weird and dumb things, how I am just the antithesis to everything you had before...but for some reason your ass ended up with the antithesis..and your ass couldn't handle the antithesis...because as soon as the antithesis let you go running and not looking back...just like everybody does!

Whether it be family, friends, or relationships, they all go running but complain that I don't let anyone in! Yeah people are more full of shit that they say they are. My grandfather told me a long time ago and I thought it was the morphine, but it wasn't..."Don't trust them..they are out to get you!" I didn't know what he was talking about, nor did my mother...but every time, every time, every time, I go on and take a detour from that type of thinking...I get burned!!

I Love You...But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dusty Crutches

I will be the first not to admit when I need help. That is just my nature, I may need it but I try not to ask for it. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I suppose that is why with the ordeal I am dealing with I find myself confused...I don't like to ask for help...even though I may need it, I am willing to struggle and possibly fail...when that Damn Fool Pride (DFP) kicks in. I am glad I usually don't fail...except in one department...RELATIONSHIPS!

I am not good at them because it requires me to lean on the other person. It requires me to let someone else be there for me...which I am not used to and I really honestly not let anyone do. I guess I am under the impression if I don't do won't get done. Even in the workplace I find myself feeling like I have done nothing because I have to wait on someone else to get their part done for me to get all of my work done...I don't have a problem working with a team...but most of the time the team is not on my intensity level...get it done...complete perfection...don't waste time!

I have been told that I am too independent, thus the reason why my relationships do not last too long or end up going in the dumpster. Even now I am battling myself to allow someone and people to help me. I know I can't do it all alone, but it seems that is what I revert to because I do not want to trust someone else to do what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes you don't know who to trust and well, you take out your old dirty crutches that you know will work just to help yourself get through what might be in the way and dust them off...because you usually go with what you know.

I have tried to get people to understand that and well....I don't know if it is working or not. They are not the problem, I am! I am the one who will hold things in...maybe post them on this blog...cry it away, talk it out to myself, talk to God, talk to my mom...before she died...just figure it out on my own. I do not want to seem like I am a bother or charity case to anyone, so I go it alone. Is that the reason I am not able to be in a relationship for a long period of time? Has my trust issue thwarted all of my relationships and any that may come if the one I am in turns out like all of the rest?

It may be a shame but I have imagined myself alone...maybe because I always feel like I am. It is not anything I have done on purpose, it is just that way. I see that many people do not happen to feel or think the way I do. I have been sooooooo out there doing my own thing and not letting others in on what I think or do...feel or want to feel...experience or endure that I do not feel that anyone will say to know what make sense. I know full well that I do! It is hard to fathom at times, but maybe it will happen. I know I am not normal...and my mate recognizes that as well.

I love you, but God loves you more!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feeling Dependent?

It will be a month tomorrow since the untimely, and senseless loss of my mother. I am astonished that I have made it this long and I thought that I would have jumped over a bridge or did some harm to myself, but I haven't. It is not even a thought that I have, I don't have the energy nor the will to entertain ending my life, because I have too much more to accomplish and also to make sure that mommy's death is recognized as a grave grave mistake and that the doctors and surgeons who caused it are held responsible.

If you are a parent, make sure that you know what your child is doing and the reason or reasons why. I say this because for years I was not happy at all...neither was my mom, but I made sure I would do whatever I would have to, to make her smile...and thus the grades and accomplishments in school and ensuring I did not get into trouble or worry her for no reason. I did that for years...through junior high school right up to when I graduated with my bachelor's degree, I held back a lot of things from my mother so she would not worry...I drowned myself into my music., and watching what not to do to be a man, and of course how to handle business.

That did not mean I wasn't happy, I was happy in some respects, but overall I truly wasn't. I was more worried about my mother than myself. I never really and probably still don't worry about me too much, I just know I will be okay and be able to handle what comes my way. As long as I know what direction to go in, I will make the best of it. In contrast, she was probably more worried about me than herself and sheltered me from some of her inner frustrations, but I suppose we were actually doing the same thing..worrying about each other. This leads to my main topic for writing this blog.

Then I learned that the "Harris Way" was something that I would understand later on in life...this priming of me from the frustrations my mom would go through was just a set-up for me to carry it on...and I truly do know what the "Harris Way" is all about...WIN! That is right just WIN! Now that does not mean that you will not lose some battles...but WIN the war! the cost of making others happy! the cost of making some other people disappointed or upset. WIN ...knowing that some days my be rough and some days may be good, but all of it is needed to be able to WIN the war! WIN...when you know you are right and although others may say you are wrong, or others may be the majority, stick to your faith and your resolve and know that the road less traveled often has the least traffic. achieve and accomplish tasks successfully and always try to help someone else to get to that level as well. WIN...knowing that you will FAIL if you try to make everyone happy. it is not meant to try to make everyone happy...especially if you are not happy. making sure you have all of your ducks in a have you documentation and accurate notes...that you have made the job easier for someone to represent you by having your stuff together.WIN...knowing that God will do what He said He will do, He will keep His word and will give you your desires in the time that He wants to do it in. Your faith must be fit and tested at times to make sure that you are able to and to ensure that you will WIN...WIN...WIN...WIN!!!

I can only imagine when my mommy's soul was about to be judged what happened when she answered the questions...and then when she was able to meet the Lord and Savior finally and see that He is still alive and well...and the dance that she did when she looked back at all of the times she won and lost, cried and smiled, was sick and well, was hungry and nourished...Oh and when she was told by the Almighty...come on in, you have been good, you have been faithful, you have served me in and out of season, I want you to come on in to my house and dwell with me and the others who have WON!

I am waiting to get there myself one day. I do realize that I have a legacy to maintain and one to keep alive. One thing is for sure, I may stumble, I may fall, I may be down, I may lose some battles along the way here and there, and I may be weary at times...but like the forefathers of this great nation and like our troops over in other lands are fighting we are all INDEPENDENT and BLESSED! On this eve to Independence Day 2009, if you are feeling dependent let this message be just for you...but one thing I will make sure I do and I hope that you and all that you love and care for carry this train of continue the "Harris Way" and say...I will WIN...I will WIN... I will WIN!!

I love you but God loves you more!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wavelengths, Beats, and Frequencies!

Alright so I will go back to my lab motif, I suppose that was the purpose of this blog, to treat it as a record of what I have done and gone through in this life of mine, and I can say that since writing in this forum...a hell of a lot has happened. With all that has transpired I have never lost what keeps me going for the most part...those ever changing wavelengths, beats, and frequencies of I have indulged in it...played it loud and I have cried to it, smiled to it, and brought back...relived memories with it.

I wonder how miserable I would be if it wasn't for music. I think I have an extra added bell and whistle...because I know how to make and perform music. Some people wonder about the reasons why some artists love to perform Michael Jackson, Steely Dan, Sting, Robin Thicke, Sheryl Crow, Eric Clapton. Chaka Khan, Amy Winehouse, Joss Stone, Keri Hilson, and so on...because there is nothing like hearing the crowd applaud and the various possibilities that happen on stage.

I have never played a song the same way ever in practice and live in concert. It is that exciting, and trying to recapture a part of what you did from an earlier concert or performance is impossible. Magic happens instantly and thus...the excitement of live music and live performing. Being in the studio has nothing on live performances...this is where click track Hip-Hop loses it's flavor...spit the lyrics over a live band and it is an instant classic.

My mother came to a lot of my performances throughout the years and also in church. I am glad I was able to play at her funeral...I haven't lost a step in my playing and I am seriously thinking that I need to get back into it on a regular. I will explore that option much further at a later date. Well I am stepping out of the lab but I have a feeling I will be back later today!

I love you but God loves you more!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Glove's Are Off...Is Their Train Coming?

Maybe I am changing or maybe it does not bother me anymore...I preface this entry with that statement because...someone wants to leave...walk out..of my life and at this point..since I am pretty much as alone as ever...I am not fighting it. It is not that I don't is more like I am a great fighter...but this fight is not as big as the one I am dealing with now.

To begin, one of the reasons I have been regarded as a pretty smart guy a damn genius in the eyes of others is that I do ask questions and I am willing to let someone know that I don't know something. In addition, I say what I feel... to not cause assumptions but to end them. I also happen to say what I can't do...rather than fake and say that I can do something. I am pretty good at a lot of things and those that I am not good at I will ask for help and/or ask for what I can do to be other words show me. I am my own worse critic and my own best praise monger!

The Situation:

I asked a person special to me a question...but I made a conscious effort to let them know that I did not think of them in a typical nor generalized fashion because of the profession and the proclivity of this profession can bring due to the amount of travel involved. And the distance away from loved ones. I also expressed this at the outset because...that person does not exhibit those qualities that are usually generalized, and from the experiences I have had dealing with these individuals in many capacities. The next thing I did was ask if that person had EVER exhibited those qualities.....

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

BOOM... here comes the questions as to why I would think they are that way? Why would I ask something like that? I obviously think she is like that since I asked? On and on...and so forth! To the extent in which it was made clear that the walking shoes were on and that they were leaving and fed up!

I usually would have plead my case. I would try to change the situation...but I didn't. This time I wasn't going to because I made it clear that I did not think that...but I suppose I am the one that has created the stigma of ...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

DING...Assuming the worst when I ask or think or say something. Yeah folks it is my fault. I have done it so much that that person is fed up to the point of...LEAVING! Although it is not official. So what do I do...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

NOTHING...Yeah weird isn't it..because it is MY fault. I remember a specific song off of the Earth Wind and Fire...Illumination album, and I feel that I am doing this over and over again...but the realization of this has allowed me to be at peace with it. Yeah strange but true. How do I really feel...

1. I have to take the gloves off and stop fighting because I am only hurting myself.
2. Do I really need to ask or just let it be? Ask because assumptions make it worse. Let it be and do what I usually don't...that benefit of the doubt stuff...when there should not be any doubt.
3. How do you know when a disagreement is over...when a man shuts up and just let all of the talk come from the woman.
4. Is this my last chance because of my situation? It just might be, I don't know yet but hey if it is I can only blame myself!

It is weird what a life changing event can do. The perspective changes and you realize that things can change if people want to work together to change it...I know I do but then...

"WHEN A WOMAN'S FED UP...(HELL ANYONE IS FED UP...)THERE AIN'T NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" It is not up to you is up to the other party!

SO...let's sit back and wait..but I feel that the bags are packed and the train is on it's way!