Saturday, July 18, 2009

Bob Ross, Cheerleaders, Fans, and Tainted Pictures!

I do not try to paint pictures that are not true...and through my experiences I have seen many people try to paint pictures that make them look good not only for themselves, but for their "cheerleaders' as well. I don't need to do that! I have been in the company of those who will not stroke my ego, nor will I make a story look favorable for me...thus to get a feel of what I am trying to explain let's use a wonderful painter... Bob Ross.

I used to watch him all of the time and I enjoyed the creations of art he would cultivate and manicure on his was an experience to hear his calm voice and then see his ability to attack a blank canvas and produce a wonderful work of art...which is HIS own. I realize that the art that we sometimes produce may look good to the eyes we present them too...but in all art there is always a flaw. Thus it might seem to be an easy thing to not detect because we present a pretty picture of what went or what is going on...but look deeper...what is not mentioned is the flaw...a subtle mistake...a cover-up...something you are not supposed to see or pay attention to...Bob had many as what he would call them..."happy accidents" but we knew they were there and as much as we tried to not notice them as viewers he made it clear that he has made mistakes in his art plenty of times...and he can do what he can to eliminate them, but he knows that they are there...and as we are viewers of the creation we know they are there as well.

I do not try to hide my flaws under the umbrellas of others because I may state in my writing who I am...or I may tell individuals what I want them to know so they can be on my I don't do that. A tainted picture is created and thus the emotions of others are turned toward you...and they feel either sorry for you, great for you, want to help you out, pity for you, or dog and down the other individual or individuals in the situation...true conviction will not allow that to happen. I will say that many times this has happened to me...and I have sat back and let it happen, but I have learned that the more one presents themselves to be paraded by and around "cheerleader" the more that their head is not in the game...they don't want to have fans.

Pick which side you want to be you want the fanfare of the cheerleader that can change in an instant?...because you control their emotions by your actions. When you are up they are up, happy...they are happy, sad... they are sad, pissed...they are pissed!

Or do you want the approval of the die hard fan...because no matter what you or lose...they will be mad at you and tell you in an unbiased way what you have done wrong or right...and they will still continue to support you through and true! Stop painting tainted only does you harm, you can have all of the cheerleaders you want...but the fans mean more!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Solution!

I will make this quick. In the scientific world it is always a joy when you find the with all going on with my health, my family, my mother's affairs, Kayla Harris, work, finances, cars, house, I know the solution!! I have never given up on anything in my life, and there has been only one time I was in this situation and I was able to get out of it, so let's get it in gear again! Stay tuned, because I am about to shock EVERYONE!!!!

I love you, but God loves you more!

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Suicide!

There are some times when you realize that you are completely done living. The issues and things that you have gone through have taken their toll to the point that your strength to endure is gone and don't want to see another day at all. In addition, you feel that your whole world is crumbling and nothing seems to be coming into positive fruition and thus, why lie? Why continue to suffer and be afraid of what is going to happen next? People may say that you have it good, you have it great, you have it so nice but their problems are more serious than yours...and you know it, but the volume of yours compared to theirs is not even worth comparing, because there is no number imaginable that could thwart yours.

There is no one there who can share your burden because those people have either gone away, or you pushed them away, or they chose to go and let you be alone, what ever the circumstance, you don't know who to call because they basically don't want to hear what you have to say or what is on your mind.

I will say that my suicide happened on June 4, 2009 when my mother died and is continuing. I must say that I do not know what I am doing with myself at all right now. I get mad for reasons I have no idea I am getting mad about. I am more paranoid than ever, having weird dreams, wondering who I can trust. I don't feel like eating even though I must. my kidneys are not functioning like they should, I am just a few ticks away from complete failure and possibly either transplant or dialysis. I want to be in the presence of others, and that has not been something I have ever craved! I still have the haunting picture of my mother in the ICU on my mind and how she looked and hoe she felt I can't shake off! I am tired most of the time and I look forward to nothing but my bed. I have even run some people...and someone I truly care about very much has gone am I dying?

I will say that I am slowly but surely! It is amazing how those you have been around all your life are gone and you can feel yourself going along with them, I can just hear the news reports and people say what happened to those who were survived fill in the rest. I am trying my hardest to live. I am not in the mood to be dead yet, although sometimes I feel like I am ready, and for the most part I am. I know there are things that I would like to accomplish in my life and some are like getting my PhD, to buy a house, to get married and have some children, I think I would be an okay dad...I wish my mother could see me when I do become a dad...telling my children about my mother...their grandmother would be really cool. I also want to marry a woman with brothers and sisters who also have children so I can be an uncle. I know it may sound strange but I would love to be called Uncle Clint...the crazy ass uncle that was loved because he did all of the stupid stuff...and never really cared about it too much!

This is my suicide, no I am not trying to kill myself or nor do I want to, but I am killing off the old me. I mentioned Harris V.2 and what it meant back in October and November, and maybe I saw it coming, that I have to change and I don't have a choice. For the person that I miss very much and you know who you are...I want you to know that my expectations were and still are high. It is difficult to show lots of variable emotions, when all you have done is be burned by it all of the time. I can do it this time without the prejudice of failure and heartache...if you allow me to. I blame myself, I blame my actions, I blame my life, but I will never blame you!

I will leave with a song I listen to quite often...when I am driving in my solemn and relaxing time, also in my loft... and I am singing with it loud and with true passion! Is is a definition, it is what is happening and I will continue to allow it! It is my suicide....and where the other me will finally reside...HEAVEN!

I love you, but God loves you more!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

D.T.A. Don't Trust Anybody...They are full of bullshit!!

D.T.A. means Don't Trust Anybody! There was a request made as was written in an earlier blog to..."let me in" what happens...I got burned! This individual got the advantage of learning what was on my mind and how I felt...and then decided to tell me what the prognoses should I can better be served...please... that is utter bullshit!

For the most part I am to blame to allow myself to "let someone in" and I got burned, I got screwed over...because I told the truth and did not mince my words. All people know when someone says to you..."I can serve you better as a friend." or "I think we should be friends." or "I only want to be a friend to you right now!" or "I just want to be there for you!" or "We are friends ...remember?" or "We will always be friends!" it doesn't mean shit...(especially when a woman says it to you, not a damn thing! People are trying to gauge how you feel and move in for the kill...move in for the susceptibility of your mind and heart at that do I know...because it has happened to me time and time again.

Then on the same notion these people come back to you and say well, it is your fault because it happens over and over...not the case. When the moment comes when I want to let someone in...I do it. In in most cases have to be asked to let it happen because they have problem with me not being open to them, sharing my feelings...all of that stupid mess, and of course me being so damn independent.

Yes you are right I am too damn independent because I know and my mother knew how people take advantage of you when you are down and want to know all there is about you so they can use it to their advantage and BOOM...POW...they got you...shot out of the water and in the case for this is literal since they know a lot about water, ships, and shooting people.

In addition to that, I am the first to say that I am not all that great looking and for many years women have settled for me for whatever personal financial gain, answers to tests and quizzes back in undergrad,because I had my own place, because I knew a few folks that could help them, because they were waiting for something better, because I was a "good time" for that moment because I try to treat ladies as well as I can friend or otherwise...

I am not insecure one bit...I know how ladies like to use that damn excuse...I am stating a fact. I am not the best looking dude and I am not the worst looking dude...I am okay...average to below average. I don't have the best body and I have worked and I am working hard to get it looking better...but when I say to a lady that yeah I know that your men in the past have looked better than me and I make the fact known...why the hell do you cower like a little bitch? I am speaking and stating the truth! Especially when you know damn well and you have said it to me plenty of times that you have many men that adore your appearance and like the way you look....yeah and also they look better than me in both stature and physical prowess...sorry I can't get plastic surgery for your ass...I am working to better myself...but me stating the facts and bringing them into the forefront DOES NOT mean I am insecure!

Don't talk that shit about how you have all these high expectations, but you have no patience! That is a bunch of bullshit that you are kicking and I refuse to go for it. I may not try to put my maturity and wisdom out there for all to see like this person does, but just because I don't, doesn't mean I don't have it and can't see past and through and around bullshit! I am not all of that on the aesthetics scale, but that all any woman has complained about in my life!

I am intelligent...a damn genius, I am independent..or as some would say, too damn independent, and I don't and won't change that! It is really easy for people to kick you when you are down! Say what you do wrong, how insecure you are, how you don't let them in, how you distance yourself, how your friends have fucking concerns, but you know damn well your friends ain't got a positive thing to say about me one bit, how weird I am, how I say weird and dumb things, how I am just the antithesis to everything you had before...but for some reason your ass ended up with the antithesis..and your ass couldn't handle the antithesis...because as soon as the antithesis let you go running and not looking back...just like everybody does!

Whether it be family, friends, or relationships, they all go running but complain that I don't let anyone in! Yeah people are more full of shit that they say they are. My grandfather told me a long time ago and I thought it was the morphine, but it wasn't..."Don't trust them..they are out to get you!" I didn't know what he was talking about, nor did my mother...but every time, every time, every time, I go on and take a detour from that type of thinking...I get burned!!

I Love You...But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dusty Crutches

I will be the first not to admit when I need help. That is just my nature, I may need it but I try not to ask for it. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I suppose that is why with the ordeal I am dealing with I find myself confused...I don't like to ask for help...even though I may need it, I am willing to struggle and possibly fail...when that Damn Fool Pride (DFP) kicks in. I am glad I usually don't fail...except in one department...RELATIONSHIPS!

I am not good at them because it requires me to lean on the other person. It requires me to let someone else be there for me...which I am not used to and I really honestly not let anyone do. I guess I am under the impression if I don't do won't get done. Even in the workplace I find myself feeling like I have done nothing because I have to wait on someone else to get their part done for me to get all of my work done...I don't have a problem working with a team...but most of the time the team is not on my intensity level...get it done...complete perfection...don't waste time!

I have been told that I am too independent, thus the reason why my relationships do not last too long or end up going in the dumpster. Even now I am battling myself to allow someone and people to help me. I know I can't do it all alone, but it seems that is what I revert to because I do not want to trust someone else to do what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes you don't know who to trust and well, you take out your old dirty crutches that you know will work just to help yourself get through what might be in the way and dust them off...because you usually go with what you know.

I have tried to get people to understand that and well....I don't know if it is working or not. They are not the problem, I am! I am the one who will hold things in...maybe post them on this blog...cry it away, talk it out to myself, talk to God, talk to my mom...before she died...just figure it out on my own. I do not want to seem like I am a bother or charity case to anyone, so I go it alone. Is that the reason I am not able to be in a relationship for a long period of time? Has my trust issue thwarted all of my relationships and any that may come if the one I am in turns out like all of the rest?

It may be a shame but I have imagined myself alone...maybe because I always feel like I am. It is not anything I have done on purpose, it is just that way. I see that many people do not happen to feel or think the way I do. I have been sooooooo out there doing my own thing and not letting others in on what I think or do...feel or want to feel...experience or endure that I do not feel that anyone will say to know what make sense. I know full well that I do! It is hard to fathom at times, but maybe it will happen. I know I am not normal...and my mate recognizes that as well.

I love you, but God loves you more!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feeling Dependent?

It will be a month tomorrow since the untimely, and senseless loss of my mother. I am astonished that I have made it this long and I thought that I would have jumped over a bridge or did some harm to myself, but I haven't. It is not even a thought that I have, I don't have the energy nor the will to entertain ending my life, because I have too much more to accomplish and also to make sure that mommy's death is recognized as a grave grave mistake and that the doctors and surgeons who caused it are held responsible.

If you are a parent, make sure that you know what your child is doing and the reason or reasons why. I say this because for years I was not happy at all...neither was my mom, but I made sure I would do whatever I would have to, to make her smile...and thus the grades and accomplishments in school and ensuring I did not get into trouble or worry her for no reason. I did that for years...through junior high school right up to when I graduated with my bachelor's degree, I held back a lot of things from my mother so she would not worry...I drowned myself into my music., and watching what not to do to be a man, and of course how to handle business.

That did not mean I wasn't happy, I was happy in some respects, but overall I truly wasn't. I was more worried about my mother than myself. I never really and probably still don't worry about me too much, I just know I will be okay and be able to handle what comes my way. As long as I know what direction to go in, I will make the best of it. In contrast, she was probably more worried about me than herself and sheltered me from some of her inner frustrations, but I suppose we were actually doing the same thing..worrying about each other. This leads to my main topic for writing this blog.

Then I learned that the "Harris Way" was something that I would understand later on in life...this priming of me from the frustrations my mom would go through was just a set-up for me to carry it on...and I truly do know what the "Harris Way" is all about...WIN! That is right just WIN! Now that does not mean that you will not lose some battles...but WIN the war! the cost of making others happy! the cost of making some other people disappointed or upset. WIN ...knowing that some days my be rough and some days may be good, but all of it is needed to be able to WIN the war! WIN...when you know you are right and although others may say you are wrong, or others may be the majority, stick to your faith and your resolve and know that the road less traveled often has the least traffic. achieve and accomplish tasks successfully and always try to help someone else to get to that level as well. WIN...knowing that you will FAIL if you try to make everyone happy. it is not meant to try to make everyone happy...especially if you are not happy. making sure you have all of your ducks in a have you documentation and accurate notes...that you have made the job easier for someone to represent you by having your stuff together.WIN...knowing that God will do what He said He will do, He will keep His word and will give you your desires in the time that He wants to do it in. Your faith must be fit and tested at times to make sure that you are able to and to ensure that you will WIN...WIN...WIN...WIN!!!

I can only imagine when my mommy's soul was about to be judged what happened when she answered the questions...and then when she was able to meet the Lord and Savior finally and see that He is still alive and well...and the dance that she did when she looked back at all of the times she won and lost, cried and smiled, was sick and well, was hungry and nourished...Oh and when she was told by the Almighty...come on in, you have been good, you have been faithful, you have served me in and out of season, I want you to come on in to my house and dwell with me and the others who have WON!

I am waiting to get there myself one day. I do realize that I have a legacy to maintain and one to keep alive. One thing is for sure, I may stumble, I may fall, I may be down, I may lose some battles along the way here and there, and I may be weary at times...but like the forefathers of this great nation and like our troops over in other lands are fighting we are all INDEPENDENT and BLESSED! On this eve to Independence Day 2009, if you are feeling dependent let this message be just for you...but one thing I will make sure I do and I hope that you and all that you love and care for carry this train of continue the "Harris Way" and say...I will WIN...I will WIN... I will WIN!!

I love you but God loves you more!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wavelengths, Beats, and Frequencies!

Alright so I will go back to my lab motif, I suppose that was the purpose of this blog, to treat it as a record of what I have done and gone through in this life of mine, and I can say that since writing in this forum...a hell of a lot has happened. With all that has transpired I have never lost what keeps me going for the most part...those ever changing wavelengths, beats, and frequencies of I have indulged in it...played it loud and I have cried to it, smiled to it, and brought back...relived memories with it.

I wonder how miserable I would be if it wasn't for music. I think I have an extra added bell and whistle...because I know how to make and perform music. Some people wonder about the reasons why some artists love to perform Michael Jackson, Steely Dan, Sting, Robin Thicke, Sheryl Crow, Eric Clapton. Chaka Khan, Amy Winehouse, Joss Stone, Keri Hilson, and so on...because there is nothing like hearing the crowd applaud and the various possibilities that happen on stage.

I have never played a song the same way ever in practice and live in concert. It is that exciting, and trying to recapture a part of what you did from an earlier concert or performance is impossible. Magic happens instantly and thus...the excitement of live music and live performing. Being in the studio has nothing on live performances...this is where click track Hip-Hop loses it's flavor...spit the lyrics over a live band and it is an instant classic.

My mother came to a lot of my performances throughout the years and also in church. I am glad I was able to play at her funeral...I haven't lost a step in my playing and I am seriously thinking that I need to get back into it on a regular. I will explore that option much further at a later date. Well I am stepping out of the lab but I have a feeling I will be back later today!

I love you but God loves you more!!