I am still in awe about that hug we shared. The last person I hugged for that long...if for that long was my mother! I will not deny and say that I did not enjoy the hug that my friend and I had and that it was confirmation that there are feelings there...but right now it is time to take it slow and enjoy each other as friends. I have said time and time again that I do not want to be with anyone ever, but something tells me that as hard as I fight it and as much as I resist...I just might not have my wishes respected or come true.
I am not afraid of being alone (because I am) and many people are, but I simply do not trust people and have a very hard time believing anyone. It is not that I do not try, but I have had a history of people both men and mostly women tell me a falsehood and try to rationalize it with a bullshit reason. Actions do not speak louder than words...the words and actions must match in my opinion! I have been in that game that I have been thrown into for a long time and many people do not like it when you bring it (their lies and deception) up...you tell them what they told you and then they look and try to make it seem like you are the bad person when all you want that person to do is to acknowledge that they did not keep their word.
Since I have moved to the D.C. area it is simply epidemic the amount of people that have the dependability of an earthquake...you never know when they will be dependable and not deceptive and you have no inference if they ever will be dependable and not deceptive. Their character is like the weather temperature of a day, you can't scientifically or by use of common sense detect it's exact temperature for a moment. I am not perfect but this is the main reason I don't mind being alone...less stress, and less to worry about. I can worry and take care of myself. I can love myself. I don't need anyone else for anything but me!
Even with these thoughts in mind I can say that I trust my friend. We had a slight hiccup earlier in the year but it seems as if things are right where they were when we left off. I can say that I feel happier when we chat and kid around. It feels good!
Sometimes in the chemistry world you fight to combine the suspension of 2 liquids like oil and water, by adding a substance...usually soap that will allow it to mix. Some way (without getting too technical) it comes together due to its molecules able to mix and because of the soap being in the solution. If anything there will take a lot of soap to mix me in the relationship testtube and suspension. I don't see it and it will never happen!!
I Love You, But God Loves You More!!
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