Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Glove's Are Off...Is Their Train Coming?

Maybe I am changing or maybe it does not bother me anymore...I preface this entry with that statement because...someone wants to leave...walk out..of my life and at this point..since I am pretty much as alone as ever...I am not fighting it. It is not that I don't is more like I am a great fighter...but this fight is not as big as the one I am dealing with now.

To begin, one of the reasons I have been regarded as a pretty smart guy a damn genius in the eyes of others is that I do ask questions and I am willing to let someone know that I don't know something. In addition, I say what I feel... to not cause assumptions but to end them. I also happen to say what I can't do...rather than fake and say that I can do something. I am pretty good at a lot of things and those that I am not good at I will ask for help and/or ask for what I can do to be other words show me. I am my own worse critic and my own best praise monger!

The Situation:

I asked a person special to me a question...but I made a conscious effort to let them know that I did not think of them in a typical nor generalized fashion because of the profession and the proclivity of this profession can bring due to the amount of travel involved. And the distance away from loved ones. I also expressed this at the outset because...that person does not exhibit those qualities that are usually generalized, and from the experiences I have had dealing with these individuals in many capacities. The next thing I did was ask if that person had EVER exhibited those qualities.....

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

BOOM... here comes the questions as to why I would think they are that way? Why would I ask something like that? I obviously think she is like that since I asked? On and on...and so forth! To the extent in which it was made clear that the walking shoes were on and that they were leaving and fed up!

I usually would have plead my case. I would try to change the situation...but I didn't. This time I wasn't going to because I made it clear that I did not think that...but I suppose I am the one that has created the stigma of ...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

DING...Assuming the worst when I ask or think or say something. Yeah folks it is my fault. I have done it so much that that person is fed up to the point of...LEAVING! Although it is not official. So what do I do...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

NOTHING...Yeah weird isn't it..because it is MY fault. I remember a specific song off of the Earth Wind and Fire...Illumination album, and I feel that I am doing this over and over again...but the realization of this has allowed me to be at peace with it. Yeah strange but true. How do I really feel...

1. I have to take the gloves off and stop fighting because I am only hurting myself.
2. Do I really need to ask or just let it be? Ask because assumptions make it worse. Let it be and do what I usually don't...that benefit of the doubt stuff...when there should not be any doubt.
3. How do you know when a disagreement is over...when a man shuts up and just let all of the talk come from the woman.
4. Is this my last chance because of my situation? It just might be, I don't know yet but hey if it is I can only blame myself!

It is weird what a life changing event can do. The perspective changes and you realize that things can change if people want to work together to change it...I know I do but then...

"WHEN A WOMAN'S FED UP...(HELL ANYONE IS FED UP...)THERE AIN'T NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" It is not up to you is up to the other party!

SO...let's sit back and wait..but I feel that the bags are packed and the train is on it's way!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bad Head!!

I was walking outside to get my lunch and I did happen to see a fine brown frame across the street...she had a very nice body. Now most of us fellas that have some tact and respect will just take a quick peak and smile...unknown to the woman walking by or in eyesight. I suppose another gentleman saw what I saw as well and he turned his head all the way around to get a glimpse...naw...a peak...naw...a great big wide angle look of her butt!! I was laughing to myself.

Why do some men do that? I mean no need to turn your head all the way around because you are that amazed at her face and want to see if her body matches...nah not the way I do things. I will admit that yes I look at ladies all the time and I don't touch, they don't interest me...I am already is just a thing that men and women do. If they like something they see...they look... and they just don't turn their head...ALL THE WAY makes you look bad and desperate.

Enjoy the view of that person you feel is attractive and be tasteful. No wonder many women feel us men are just beasts with no type of sense...come on what the ladies do...get a mental picture and save it for

I love you, but God loves you more!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Flip Flops...Oh So Annoying and A Fashion Hell Naw!!

I can deal with the summer time heat...although I am a winter guy and absolutely love the cold. I can deal with the awful aromas some people have. I can get through the scantily clad people that have horrible arm pit hygiene. I can even be okay with some people wearing items of clothing that you know just don't fit and should never be worn during any season. But the one thing I will not and never like is FLIP FLOPS!

They are jail shoes...heck I wouldn't even call them shoes. They are tacky and should only be worn in the shower. Some people can't walk in them! All you hear is the annoying either sliding their feet on the floor or the people that walk so hard you hear them a mile away. I just feel that they are tacky. Yes I do have a pair of them...but they are only for shower use at the gym, maybe around the house...but I like just socks better. Yes...I do understand wearing them at the beach...and that is it! Not in public places, not in the office, not in stores, if you are not in the shower or on the beach...DON'T WEAR THEM! Sorry I just had to vent. LOL... I am now leaving the lab and remember...I love you, but God loves you more!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Mourning Is Over!

I would first like to thank all of you who have had kind words, offered your shoulders to cry on, gave a listening ear, cards, notes, letters, phone calls, and the many small and large deeds of kindness for the past several weeks! Is is GREATLY appreciated during this time of my mother's death and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I don't know how to repay you but there will be genuine reciprocity from the bottom of my heart to you. I once again thank you very much and heartily!

I have completed the mourning stage of the death of my mother. As I stated on Thursday at her celebration of life ceremony, I did not go there to mourn...I have had time to do that. (On a side note I did enjoy playing as well...Rev Christmas and I have always sounded great to the church and of course my mommy loved it when we would play...yes the itch has never left and my skills have always been tight...I may start up again in another church...stay tuned...) It is now time for me to be happy about the situation and understand that in some ways...she knew that her last days were coming soon. It is odd the way she left her house...sure it is always spotless...but this was an eerie spotless of her knowing that she may not come back. I was told by my great aunt Lucy that she called her and was speaking in a manner that was unlike she was making amends. Mr. Robert (her boyfriend) said that the last song that they sang in the car to the hospital was "I'm Going Up Yonder!" so I guess she knew something...and of course she didn't want me to worry...because she knew that I would...and she has "gone up yonder"! I am now alone on this planet to cherish memories and handle the business of moving on and making sure her affairs are taken care of...and also the lawyers I WILL hire to make sure that others are not ever in this situation from a mistake made by a doctor/surgeon!

I sometimes think I am in a bad dream, and the realization of knowing that I am not..has made me stronger. My smile will be brighter and wider very soon. I am at peace and in confidence that I can say that my mother is deceased, a part of my heart may be broken, but she and God are confident, that I have ALL of the tools needed to move on. I would have loved to given my mother a daughter-in-law and some grandchildren...but that was and is not His will right now...He has something big in store for I will say it...I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING BIG IS GOING TO HAPPEN...and when I say those words... and when I get that usually does happen. That is why I am not worried...I will be okay and I will be receiving a huge blessing!

As far as the surgeon goes, I forgive him. He made a mistake, and though it was a costly mistake...both literally, (and will be financially)...I do not hate him or think he is a bad person or surgeon. We all make mistakes that are large and small and we all pay for them in some way. I am sure if he could do the surgery over again he would have been more careful...but that is not the case. I hope he will be more careful and realize that just because you are coined as "the best" does not mean that you can do things in a careless and cocky manner. I hope God blesses him and gives him peace of mind that he can carry on treating and operating on others in a pristine and humbling fashion and that he does not wallow in any shame!

I am right now not seeking anything more than peace of mind, the health and strength to endure all things, and the gift and application of wisdom. I feel that with those I will be able to make it! SO...I may tell a few stories here and there about my mother...maybe share some memories...I might reflect to the point of tears...Yeah I may be what my god-sister calls me " the invincible C-Pain" but I am also human and yes vulnerable to the human phenomena.

I will leave you all with the words that my mother always said to me when we got off the phone with each other...I will start saying this at the end of my writings as a tribute to my mother...


Monday, June 15, 2009

Thong..Th- Th- Th- Thong?

I was gathering clothes for my mother to wear for her funeral. So I go into her room and I am looking for her under garments. I find a bra and I place it on her bed...I look for stockings...and I place that on the bed as well. Both were white and I was looking for the matching set of to coordinate for mom even if she is not among the living. I am searching through looking for some panties...and behold...look what I found...OH NO SHE DIDN'T...MOMMA GOT THONGS!! I shook my head and smiled in amazement...Why does this 61 year old woman have thongs? I am still amazed! So now it just makes it official and true...momma had a freaky side to her and passed it on to me! LOL!!! I love you mommy!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stop Picking The Bones!!

I am planning her funeral and I am joyous of the music that I plan on selecting. I have some really cool tunes in mind that I remember my mommy singing or that I recall her playing in the house. I am doing alright. Smiling a little more, although I do happen to do that a lot before mom died. I still have my weird thoughts that I may put on Facebook...which I am thinking about taking an exit from...but I digress!

I am also realizing that I have to grow up now more than ever! I can not confer with her anymore and get her input. I don't really have a relationship with the res of my family...all for reasons that stem back 60 plus years ago! I am really on my own now and that I have to make decisions that will really be affecting many of the things I have set in my life...and possibly if I want to or have the opportunity to have a family. I am an only child and I really do think that if it wasn't for me being and only child that me dealing with this would be more difficult than it already is.

I spoke with my mommy and God last night and I am alright with the song says "it is well with my soul". I will continue to mourn the passing of my mother...until Thursday, June 18 at 12p.m. The casket will be shut and no one else will ever see the physical remains of my mother again. I do not plan on being there when people view my mother in the casket...I saw her alive...although not responsive...and that is how I want to remember my mother...alive...even in the shape she was in...she was alive! I saw my mother dead in that hospital ICU unit...and that is all I want to more. There will be no repast at the house...none of that extra stuff that is so and I are not traditional...we just want the basics and for all to have a good time. I have to pick out her clothes, write the obituary, pick her burial ground, make the funeral arrangements, talk with the church about the program, and make sure all of that is financed...and that is just the beginning...the rest will be harder...taking care of a house and car and making sure her finances and assets are taking care in my name! It is not easy and no one said it will be...have I had time the grieve...yes! Have I had time to cry...yes! Have I had time to come to grips about a beautiful woman that was my mother being deceased...yes! Can I live my life with her no longer speaking to me in a physical manner and that all I have left is memories and pictures...yes!

I can do all of those things...the one thing I find it difficult to do is to actually let people help me. My mom and I were the "do it yourself" express! We tried not to be a burden on others and did not want to feel like we owed someone something...that's when some folks start "talkin' loud and sayin' nothin'" some of you reading this who have dealt with this know what I am speaking about. For those that wonder...yes I feel great and I thank all of you for your support and calls and cards and food...and also I thank you in advance for the upcoming support and so on! Many of you have done more than my aunt's and uncle's have done...seems like nothing changes...just the stars of the show.

So folks let's take the time and grieve as much as you can...until the celebration of the person's life happens...and do what has taken years for me to practice and master...move on!! My mother was not taken from me because the God we serve is a God of love and does not take from us...He gives. He allowed my mother to be given to me and has given the world a gift... and I am sure he will give me something back that is just as good as my mother, she could never be replaced, but He does take care of His own...whatever it is I don't know, but it what is in store for me I am anticipating it. I am not going to pick the bones like others do and dwell and sulk in it...I can't do that anymore. I did that for a few days and had to come to the understanding that my mother has passed on...I am a part of her...I am a a living and breathing representation of her....I respect it and will not shame it!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

God took his angel back!

I think I shared my mother with everyone, or I suppose God did as well. As I sit here still mourning still wondering what direction to go I think about a woman that has changed many lives and still continues to....I suppose through me. I may be letting out a secret but I found a journal she kept prayers in as I was perusing for some items...let me tell you...if she knew you or didn't she prayed for you and documented the date the prayer came through. That brings me to tears just thinking about it!

My mom and I were close...extremely close! We had been through a lot together and we were barely ever at odds or had any animosity towards each other...I respected her as an individual and as a woman! She taught me how to carry myself as a man and to be a proud man. Sometimes you could be too proud but that's alright...if you have it no one can take it away from you! She was a damn good woman...even though many men did not recognize it...she still moved on and I believe in the end...that her new male interest was the one...and he was there when I got there at the hospital last night/this morning! He stayed and I am sure he was looking forward to their Wendy's Frosty date..after church on Sunday! She did join his church on Sunday as well..she joined a place she liked to worship again...and there was a special interest there as well!!

My mother was also a part of my teaching style. There were many occasions she would be on speaker phone asking the children how they are doing or telling jokes...and you wonder where I got it from? My mother was a jokester and yeah she could tell them better than me. We would laugh a lot and cry too. She and I have been through some rough and rocky times...but I guess it made us stronger and more humble! We would pray and I tell you she was a praying woman! She prayed for everyone and everything. She was the type who would pray anywhere...and not be ashamed to do it, Many of you who are reading this may have met my mom and know..she would pray!!

I am sad and happy at the same time and although this is just a snippet of things to come as I write I can't stop my tears from falling that God called his angel back at around 2:30 this morning! You all don't know how heartbroken I am because I do feel truly all alone! I have dreaded this day for years and now my fear has become reality! I knew it was supposed to happen but not in the way it did. She never told me goodbye...but I do remember her saying that she loved me before I left for work ...when she was going to the hospital!

I can't eat or sleep very well and I have tried to play it off as the strong guy...but a major part of my strength is gone...she won't ever see me get married, or possibly play with her grand children when and if I have any! My mom has never seen me teach and she was going to this summer. I even never told her a deep secret that others may know...but hey she probably already knew. I don't know what to do and confusion has taken over me. I just know that I miss my mommy, I love my mommy...she is all I had...and I am truly nothing right now. I love you mommy!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

This is a is only a test!!

I was told that my mother is in ICU, I am trying to handle it very well, but I know that this is a is only a test! Am I able to keep my faith and not panic because it is not time to panic. It is not time for me to start crying uncontrollably...because nothing has happened! My mother is pretty healthy and she does what she can to see her doctor as regularly as possible and has done what she can do to make her body as healthy as she can. I am praying for my mother...because she has always done that for me. I might seem like one of those aloof people who has no type of sense...where do you think I got it mother. She is funnier and as witty as I am...I am very thankful for that...and she is a fighter like no other! It is also a shame that I may not be able to see her because of my newness to my job and the time I have vested so far. So all I can do is give it to God and let His will be done! I will make the best effort I can to make sure she is great even with the distance we are apart! This is a is only a test! It is not what I want, it is not what I need, it is what God wants...and I ask Him for grace and mercy so that she is able to pull through and continue a life that is wonderful. I can honestly admit I do not want to think about not having my mother advisor...the only person who is truly happy for me at all times...and is also truly disappointed in me when I screw up! All I am saying is that this is a test...this is only a test!

The advice I gave to someone last night I am trying as well and as good as I can to uphold it and live it. It is easy to give someone else advice and guidance and not take your own words and live by them...I vow that I will. This is a faith physical fitness test and no matter what happens...I will pass it!! Fight on mommy...just like your son!!