Friday, July 10, 2009

My Suicide!

There are some times when you realize that you are completely done living. The issues and things that you have gone through have taken their toll to the point that your strength to endure is gone and don't want to see another day at all. In addition, you feel that your whole world is crumbling and nothing seems to be coming into positive fruition and thus, why lie? Why continue to suffer and be afraid of what is going to happen next? People may say that you have it good, you have it great, you have it so nice but their problems are more serious than yours...and you know it, but the volume of yours compared to theirs is not even worth comparing, because there is no number imaginable that could thwart yours.

There is no one there who can share your burden because those people have either gone away, or you pushed them away, or they chose to go and let you be alone, what ever the circumstance, you don't know who to call because they basically don't want to hear what you have to say or what is on your mind.

I will say that my suicide happened on June 4, 2009 when my mother died and is continuing. I must say that I do not know what I am doing with myself at all right now. I get mad for reasons I have no idea I am getting mad about. I am more paranoid than ever, having weird dreams, wondering who I can trust. I don't feel like eating even though I must. my kidneys are not functioning like they should, I am just a few ticks away from complete failure and possibly either transplant or dialysis. I want to be in the presence of others, and that has not been something I have ever craved! I still have the haunting picture of my mother in the ICU on my mind and how she looked and hoe she felt I can't shake off! I am tired most of the time and I look forward to nothing but my bed. I have even run some people...and someone I truly care about very much has gone am I dying?

I will say that I am slowly but surely! It is amazing how those you have been around all your life are gone and you can feel yourself going along with them, I can just hear the news reports and people say what happened to those who were survived fill in the rest. I am trying my hardest to live. I am not in the mood to be dead yet, although sometimes I feel like I am ready, and for the most part I am. I know there are things that I would like to accomplish in my life and some are like getting my PhD, to buy a house, to get married and have some children, I think I would be an okay dad...I wish my mother could see me when I do become a dad...telling my children about my mother...their grandmother would be really cool. I also want to marry a woman with brothers and sisters who also have children so I can be an uncle. I know it may sound strange but I would love to be called Uncle Clint...the crazy ass uncle that was loved because he did all of the stupid stuff...and never really cared about it too much!

This is my suicide, no I am not trying to kill myself or nor do I want to, but I am killing off the old me. I mentioned Harris V.2 and what it meant back in October and November, and maybe I saw it coming, that I have to change and I don't have a choice. For the person that I miss very much and you know who you are...I want you to know that my expectations were and still are high. It is difficult to show lots of variable emotions, when all you have done is be burned by it all of the time. I can do it this time without the prejudice of failure and heartache...if you allow me to. I blame myself, I blame my actions, I blame my life, but I will never blame you!

I will leave with a song I listen to quite often...when I am driving in my solemn and relaxing time, also in my loft... and I am singing with it loud and with true passion! Is is a definition, it is what is happening and I will continue to allow it! It is my suicide....and where the other me will finally reside...HEAVEN!

I love you, but God loves you more!

No comments:

Post a Comment