Friday, May 29, 2009

Momma's Waves


Baby, you know I ain’t ever complained about your style…just so damn beautiful and good to me. But I want to know since I seen those old photos of you and your family…they have that 1970’s burgundy tint….just how your really hair looks. I have seen it in the pony tail in the pictures with all of the barrettes and ribbons, the 3 pony or pig tails I don’t know the exact words for them, but it was cute when you were a child…I have seen the middle school pictures of you trying to look like Laura Winslow, MC Lyte, Salt, Pepa, and Spin…look like you are on Word Up magazine or an old copy of YSB, you should have been on Teen Summit. I suppose those were the experimental days…and if that is so then High School was the surgery! You had the Toni Braxton/Halle Berry cut, took it to the French Roll, you tried the semi-Jheri Curl/S-Curl relaxer thing. It was cute with your Cross Color Jeans and different color Reebok Princess Sneakers! College was all about the braids huh...had not time to do it I the morning unless it was club night and you might sneak a perm or something in. Box Braids like Janet, corn-rowed like Eve, micro-like Patra…but those days soon ended and that was a long time ago!

So please …take out those extra additives and preservatives…nowadays you just put in your weave…hopefully not the 5 for $8.00 packs at the dollar store…or where our cultural cousins sell it…yeah Sally, YoshiLee an’ ‘dem!…I want to see it all natural…remove the perm, I want to know if you’ve got it…your momma’s waves. I know you won’t let me down because I can imagine you back in the day sitting in between your momma’s legs with your head tilted to the side and her telling you to…”Be Still!” or “I know my child ain’t tender headed?” or “My baby got a good grade of hair!”

I am not too concerned with the toxic capabilities and dangers of hair products…I am a chemist you know. It don’t matter TCB, Pink Oil, Sulfur 8, Blue Magic (both colors)…and surely not Rio...take it back to the hot comb on the stove days. It’s only me, don’t be afraid of the perception, I just have to know…if you let me grease and massage your scalp one night would I see your momma’s waves? You have your daddy’s eyes, your uncle’s freakishness, your grand momma’s nose, your aunt’s attitude, your grand daddy’s feet...but I want to see it for myself when it comes to your hair…a testament to your strength and ever changing transformation of style! I’ve seen and experienced every part of you…every segment of your personality, each minuscule section of your spirit…I’ve seen you naked with nothing but a smile on…I have been inside of you…I have held you…I have tasted you...so don’t be so hesitant for me to see you and your hair just natural…do you have your momma’s waves?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Holding Cell

I am an analytical thinker and I know what it means to keep your mouth shut and to speak when spoken to or when the time comes for a response. I also know the importance of understanding that I only have two ears and one mouth and that since that is the design of our bodies, that we should do twice as much listening than talking. In addition, I do know for a fact that the people that can tell you all that what you do obviously are not doing what they need to do for their own self and also that they must have a lot of free time to look at your every move and action and mention it to someone else.

In some instances, they will be alarmed that you own door is closed and ponder what you are doing behind that door. They ponder why you don't happen to comment on specific things and then say to others you are not engaged in the conversation or that you are aloof. They may add that you are not doing any work and even have the uncouth notion to say that there was no need for you to close your door! These individuals will also try to male accusations about who you may speak to and propose that you were being flirtatious when the person you are speaking with happens to know you very well, that they know you on a first name basis and that you have spent time with. All of these are examples of how your own "holding cell" is a blessing in disguise!

The been talk and playful mentioning of one's "haters" or people that are jealous of you has been common in many years...and although it is funny to hear how people are hated on...why be concerned with it...stay in your holding cell! I am in a situation at work that a person wants to know what's in and on my mind, why I am listening to what's being said and not speaking, what was I doing when my door was closed, who was the young lady I was chatting with at an event, where was I at specific times during the week, you left a meeting and was away for quite sometime...but I suppose the woman didn't see I was sweating...nor heard when I said I was not feeling well...all of these things lead me to believe that this person and people like them do not want to let a moment pass then by without trying to be oh so all knowing and then they have the nerve to go and run and tell someone...specifically your boss, family, brother, sister...the list can go on. When this happens I bring good news...stay in your holding cell!

I have been one that realizes that you will not please everyone and thus can't be concerned with what these folks say about what you are or are not doing, but that you are in a holding cell that protects you from the outside and also encloses you so that you can see what is going on. If your door is closed, you have put yourself in a position that you can't see or sometimes have trouble hearing what is going on in the outside world. Maybe you don't need to see or hear it for a reason...stay in your holding cell. It is a good thing that you don't know the details...because they do not involve you and that the drama or mess does not get into your cell...you keep is clean and neat anyway!

If the door to your holding cell is open and all you have are bars...that is good as well. You are able to see what is going on and observe...listen and interpret. Be quick to listen and slow to speak...you being exposed to the outside world will not damage you inside of your holding cell because you observe and see the things that go on and what could happen if you allow it to go on or transfer inside of your cell. People may watch you in your holding cell and wonder what goes on in there and try to be a part...if you know the tendencies of that person, you may want to not let them in or let them in...it depends on what you observe, but for the most part...make sure that you keep people at a distance so they can be watched...for your own sanity and safety.

The holding cell is also a place for you to be protected...even in the presence of trouble or uncomfortable situations. I recall in the movie Saw V that the gentleman at the end of the movie was told to take refuge in the canister that was filled with glass...the man did not listen and the adversary happened to be thrown in the clear box of glass...he was protected from the mechanical walls crushing the man to death as his adversary that was in the clear box/canister of glass was protected and then got away.

The holding cell may have some discomfort, it may have some pain, it may even have some lonely times, but stay in your holding cell, you will escape those crushing walls that may cause your demise. Your job could be a holding cell...nothing but hell and high water...brimstone and fury...low wages and strenuous work...but just stay there and learn...observe and you will see that it is a refuge for better things to come your way. Sometimes a relationship might be a holding cell...you want to leave and you have the ability to, but you stay (as long as it is not physically or mentally abusive or cheating) to learn what you can. Is it really you that has the issue or the other person and why is it that you haven't thrown in the towel as soon as you would with others?

The holding cell is a place that many folks deem to be negative and non-sensible...but it is okay...just hold on...just wait...as my grand parents would say...hold your peace....hold your mule...remember that the empty wagon makes the most noise...and if you really understand what I am speaking about then you know about the empty wagon. Stay the course and be content in your holding cell...those that talk about you will soon be talked about...and it won't even have to be by you!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Jesus and Your Credit! (2009 Version)


I have taken this from another blog and decided to place it here...enjoy!

I HAVE OFTEN PONDERED THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF THE REALM OF MAKING SENSE AND MAKE SENSE OUT OF THEM, SO WHEN YOU READ THIS PLEASE NOTE THAT MUCH THOUGHT HAS BEEN GIVEN ABOUT THIS TOPIC AND I SUBMIT THE FOLLOWING TO YOU…JESUS CHRIST AND YOUR CREDIT!IT IS OFTEN BELIEVED IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH THAT DEBT IS A SIN OR SOME TYPE OF HINDRANCE. DEBT IS LIKE AN OBLIGATION THAT HAS NOT BEEN DELETED OR EVEN SATISFIED. I THANK GOD I AM OUT OF DEBT.

THERE ARE SOME ADVANTAGES CONCERNING BEING OUT OF DEBT AND INCREASING THE CREDIT SCORE. I AM GOING TO BUY A HOUSE/CONDO SOON AND THUS THE CREDIT RATING HELPS TO SOLIDIFY A GOOD LENDING PROGRAM WITH GOOD INTEREST RATES. THERE ARE MANY OTHER PERKS BUT I WILL NOT GET INTO THOSE. I GUESS I CAN SAY THAT MY CREDIT IS GOOD!SO HOW DOES THIS WHOLE CREDIT SCORING PHENOMENA RELATE TO JESUS CHRIST? I WONDERED THAT AND I KNOW THAT ALL OF US HAVE AN INDIVIDUAL CREDIT RATING WITH GOD. OH YEAH! NO NEED TO GO TO TRANS UNION, EQUIFAX, OR EXPERION, TO TRY TO DETERMINE WHAT IS STILL AN OBLIGATION TO PAY AND WHAT HAS BEEN SATISFIED.

I DO BELIEVE THAT TO GET AN ACCOUNT WITH JESUS…YOUR CREDIT WILL GET CHECKED, BUT NO ONE IS OR EVER WILL BE DENIED.I FIND IT QUITE INTERESTING THAT THOSE FOLKS THAT COMMIT MURDER CAN HAVE THEIR CREDIT REVIEWED AND ACTUALLY NOT BE DENIED. CHARLES MANSON WHO IS IN JAIL FOR LIFE CAN HAVE THE SAME TYPE OF REVIEW. O.J. SIMPSON, DR. KEVORKIAN, MADDOFF, SUSAN SMITH, SCOTT PETERSON, GEORGE BUSH ...AND AN INFINITESIMAL AMOUNT MORE.

IN FACT, EVERY PERSON, GOOD AND WICKED, NICE AND MEAN, PROSTITUTE OR PIMP, JEW OR CATHOLIC, HECK ANY FROM ANY WALK OF LIFE CAN PUT IN A CREDIT APPLICATION AND GET APPROVED!THE APPLICATION IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT TO COMPLETE. SOME PEOPLE PRAY AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR ALL SINS AND ASK FOR GOD TO TAKE OVER THEIR LIFE. OTHER INDIVIDUALS TAKE THE OPTION OF GETTING BAPTIZED TO LITERALLY WASH THEIR DEBT AWAY. SOME PEOPLE GO ON CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE...

IN OTHER WORDS THEY ARE TRYING TO GET ANOTHER CREDIT APPLICATION APPROVED BECAUSE THEY DEFAULTED ON THE FIRST ONE. I CAN RECALL WHEN I DID THE ULTIMATE AND FILED BANKRUPTCY WITH JESUS! HE TOLD ME, COOL CLINT AND FOR THAT YOUR CREDIT RATING IS SO HIGH THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RICHES THAT ARE PROMISED TO YOU. I KNOW MANY WHO HAVE TAKEN THAT SAME OPTION TO FILE BANKRUPTCY WITH JESUS…AND WE HAVE NO DEBT. IN FACT EVERYDAY I CAN FILE BANKRUPTCY WITH THE LORD.

I KNOW THAT I WILL ACQUIRE SOME DEBT FOR A SIN I MAY HAVE COMMIT…A MISSED OBLIGATION…A MISSED PAYMENT…A MISSED TIME THAT I COULD HAVE SPENT WITH GOD. ONE OF THE CONDITIONS THOUGH IS THAT GIVING YOUR LIFE TO HIM…THAT IS A DIFFICULT CHOICE FOR SOME TO MAKE. MANY BAD SPENDING HABITS HAVE TO GO. SHOPPING SPREES THAT ARE OF ULTIMATE HARM…

SPREADING YOUR RESOURCES TOO THIN AND LIVING ABOVE YOUR MEANS CAN BE A COMPLICATED TASK TO ADHERE TO. WHEN THAT HAPPENS I TAKE A LOOK AT THE PORTFOLIO…THE BIBLE AND MAKE SOME COMPARISONS AND CALCULATIONS TO MY ACCOUNTS BASED UPON THE PORTAL OF OTHERS.HE LOVES US BANKRUPT PEOPLE TO THE POINT THAT HE OFFERS THE SAME APPLICATION AND APPROVAL TO ALL!

I AM GLAD THAT EQUIFAX, EXPERION, AND TRANS UNION, CAN NOT OFFER ME CREDIT FOR MY LIFE OR THE LIFE OF OTHERS.I AM FORTUNATE THAT I AM ABLE TO TALK TO THE LOAN OFFICER WHO WILL WILLINGLY GIVE OUT OF LOVE AND BECAUSE ALL DEBTS HAVE BEEN PAID JUST FROM ONE MAN DYING...BECAUSE HE LIVED A PERFECT LIFE.

IT IS A WONDERFUL THING TO KNOW IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THIS WORLD THAT ONE CAN BE FORGIVEN THROUGH A SIMPLE HEARING…LETTING JESUS LISTEN TO YOUR REQUEST FOR CREDIT...AND HIM SAYING YES...OUT OF LOVE AND NOT OUT OF THE SILLINESS AND UNFAIR NATURE OF A WORLD THAT FAVORS THOSE WITH EARTHLY POWER! AIN'T GOD GREAT!

The End of An Era!!

I am getting ready to move pretty much around the corner...15 mins. maximum from where Ireside now. It seems like an end to an era. I remember when I first moved to the D.C. area...Northern Va. to be more exact, I thought of this place as a different world from home..the Tidewater area of Va.

I had a nice place when I moved here, which at that time I felt was so expensive...now I am moving somewhere I don't think is as expensive...but yet it is almost double what I paid for my current place 4.5 years ago. When I initially moved to this area there was mad construction on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge,that work is all done, and now construction is all over the area where I reside. The Safeway supermarket did not exist in my complex...now it does and is bustling with business!

I started off making a measly $38,000 a year...now I am making more than double that salary! I was teaching, now I don't! There are so many changes that have taken place in less than five years. I think that I have had a pretty good time in accomplishing goals while living at Mount Vernon Square! I have a goal for each year that I live, and that is to do better than I did the year before. I feel that I have already surpassed 2008 and about to reach new personal goals and achievements here in 2009. I digress!

I am going to miss my new old spot... which is for now my current dwelling. I can't complain I have had some good times there and I will miss it...but I have outgrown that place. I know the place too well...not just my apartment, but the immediate area where I live. I would like to get up in the morning and drive to a different metro station, walk to a different grocery store, be able to venture out and learn more about my immediate dwelling. Some people may say...didn't you a chance to do that already? Nope I can't say that I did. I was preoccupied in not getting lost in D.C. and all around this habitat...pre-GPS era...plus school and work...so much that...those things consumed me. I am fine by that. I don't look at the immediate all of the time and say that I have to live in that spur of the moment...the spurs of the moments come often...you just have to choose which one you want to live in.

I will sacrifice much to have more...to a certain extent. I digress again! I am happy about my new loft...all increasing my sexiness...LOL!!! So I will say a hearty goodbye to my current place when I turn in the keys...I may even spray paint "One Love" like Martin did on his last episode! LOL!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Me Now... Me Tomorrow...Me Forever!!

I step in the lab with more pissitivity than ever. I will not call the name or names like I want to but someone has a problem with me just being me! I will call this person a person who used to roam where "Katrina" roamed!! It is amazing how some folks preach and try to teach others, but they are just as jaded and nasty and do not have any tolerance for those people who think, look, and act differently. On the surface, they can be so nice and sweet and respected by many...only in the cyber-world by my determination. On the other hand, in real life situations they are probably just as nasty as can be...and I am not that type of individual and never will be...two faced, and just plain bi-polar! I know darn well that people that have known me for the most of my life can say that I have not changed and that I am still the same Ole silly but yet intelligent person I have been all of my life. Respectful and humble! Intense but yet understanding! I do not put down others for being different...because being different is cool! Being different is fun...exotic...and just because I refuse to kiss ass and brown-nose others does not mean I am..."ridiculous" in this person's eyes! I do not write the same...because I do not conform to the rules...but I do know about them and will abide by them when I want to! I am that good, I can act the way I want to act because I am me and no one else can me. I am quite glad you moved your ass out of the way so that others who are more accepting of a different viewpoint....a zany one I will add, but still enjoy something that is different...and not the same crap all of the time!! Deal with it alone...and don't be fake. Join the club of many folks who can't handle the attitude and thoughts I have...I am glad! I will have to deal with your ass again at one point and that is cool...just understand that I will be me now...me tomorrow...and me forever!! If you don't like it...take a test tube and stuff it up your ass!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

When You Know You Can't Do "It" Anymore!!


I have been thinking about the proverbial "it" for awhile and it is startling to me. It is to the point that I am almost afraid to write it in my own blog...but as you can see that has subsided. The "it" could be anything...that will be my disclaimer for those who would like an exact and definitive response to what I am speaking about...but once again I will put this in general for you...and I will know the specifics of what I am talking about.

I don't really know anymore. I have put myself in a position that I have been in before but this time I am very resistant to it. Some of my friends say it is fear...nope! Some others say it is insecurity...nope! A few of them say it is not programmed in me...maybe! I just know right now that I don't want to. "It" truly makes me sick to think that "it" could happen to me...and to be the anomoly...again...doesn't bother me at all. I think it is amazing to others that I think this way and it scares them half to death. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you just don't want to and refuse to because "it" is not you! Whether "it" lasts for the moment, a week, a year, a month...what ever the time frames I know me and I recognize who and what I am. The software is in me...but "it" is not functional and nor will "it" ever work...unless...

I relish in being different. I used to try to be like everyone else...when I discovered that was a dangerous thing. I have said that those who always try to please others will be and is a FAILURE! I don't concern myself with the overall pleasing of others...and for many instances I have not pleased others in what I say, how or what I do...what I express, what I choose...I am good with that! But the "it" factor is present when you have escaped the covers of making the number one person in your life satisfied...that's you...that's yourself...that's you...yourself...and that's right only you!

I have changed my esteem and many may feel it was the change in the weight...nope! It was the new found friends and ladies that became interested in me...nope! It was the fact that I looked at myself in which I hadn't before...I didn't use a mirror from someone elses cabinet, or a thought from someone elses mind...I made my own and came up with the standards I choose to live by and uphold...then that "it"...comes up again!

I can say overall and in totality I am happy...but the "it" is a question...an extremely hard question for me to answer. I am okay with what the "it" is and can do... but what does "it" really mean and why am I hesitant of "it"? I guess I will find out someday! Another experiment that will take awhile to react!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

PISSITIVITY...2ND EDITION! (Lack of Diversity)

I was in a meeting today and I happen to notice that there were many women there. Most of the people in the meeting were women. That is fine. There are more women in the world and in my place of employment so I would expect that. What I did not expect to see with my very observant eyes is that I was the only male of color in the room. It is unbelievable to me. I can run the numbers in my scientific mind and think of the probability of seeing this since there are quite a few black men that work here and yes I do mean few, I just feel that out of 25 plus people...more on the end of 30 there would be more than just one black male in the room.

This is not the only situation in which I have been the only male of color in the room. I have in my programs at Brookhaven, at events with other scientists, heck even in the other meetings at work...my meetings that I facilitate...I am the only male of color. Why does this piss me off? It is because there should be...notice I said should be diversity in all things. I am not a racist or a sexist, but there should be equality in and for all.

So we have a half black male president of the United States, and it took over 200 years for there to be one. How long will it be for a woman of any creed? How long will it take for a black woman or a woman of any creed to serve as a judge on the U.S. Supreme Court? They should have female football teams, female football coaches, paternity leave, male contraceptives, and so on.

I may be a dreamer in these things but I don't feel that I am...there are some wonderful lady scientists in fact there is one that I have met in the photo below:

INGOODCOMPANY

that is Dr. Shirley Jackson standing next to me, who happens to be the first black woman to earn a PhD in Physics from M.I.T. Massachusetts Institute of Technology! I am very proud to have chatted with her and to have this photo taken...yes at a science convention!

What's the deal here? Is diversity too much to ask for in a world in which we are supposed to be color and gender blind? What say you?

Monday, May 18, 2009

PISSITIVITY...1ST EDITION! (Tardiness)

I will tell you...one of the things that I hate with a passion is tardiness...and then to top it off people who rationalize about it as something that should be taken lightly. I do not like people who are constantly late or late for anything. If you know the time something starts...be there early.

I was in a situation last week that the scheduled time for the meeting to start was 7:30, and I agreed to it. Why did the host call me at 7:48 and told me they were going to be late? Oh you tell me you are going to be late when you are already late! That's really smart. I mention that to the host and the host says that they are not late! I should be more accepting of the time that the meeting begins and that the other parties are late as well...which proves to me that Clint needs to take his happy self on back home!

I then receive a call when I am on the road back to my place asking where I am. I said I am going home, please note that the time I received the call was 8:20. I tell you this is absolutely no excuse. I can understand things come up but the host brushed it off as something that was not wrong. I have an issue with that. I am not a time-ish person. The start time is set and I will make sure I am there early. I don't know it just sucks the way folks just think they are on time when the clock says otherwise. If you are going to be late...call, text, e-mail, scream, something... 15 to 20 minutes before the start time of the event!

I will now leave the lab and wish people effective time management!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Strip Club Mentality


I step into the lab tonight/morning with a lot of wonder. Like I wonder if she knows I am thinking about her. I wonder if she thinks about me. Not in the sweet and sensual ways right now...I mean in the intense sense of love making. I do mean very intense. I am not one that happens to think in the realm of fantasy, but for some reason tonight...yes I am sober..I am thinking about her and what I want to do with her. I am thinking about her body, how sexy it is to me and how much I want to be deep inside of her. Her skin and how it is so smooth and I just want to rub my hands all over her. Her sexy attitude that i sometimes long for...to cool my hyper ass down! I may get a little graphic but, this is my blog so I can be as explicit as I please. It has been a long while since I have made real good love...alright had some good ass sex! Damn good sex, and I think that if we did get together it would be quite amazing. No one has ever turned me out and made me come back and beg for more, but I think she could! I just have this in my mind from the conversations we have had that she has got something that I will never ever forget, and that she probably has made some other men go to their corner and cry!

It is stuff like this that I don't like...to fantasize about a lady and what I want to do to her. It is not in my realistic and practical mind, but I have wanted her lately, and I don't think she knows it. In some ways I don't want her to know, in other ways I do. But she will find out! No more fantasies.

This reminds me of the strip club! I never liked the strip club. I have been 4 times in my life and although there are some nice looking ladies there with incredible bodies...for lack of saying anything about the ladies who don't or used to...I just don't like the fantasy. If a woman will be dancing seductive on my lap and licking my ear for the sole purpose of turning me on... and I pay her for that...HELL NO!! If my lady dances for me...then I know I will have some for that night and not have to pay for her services. She dances for me and I get the spoils with her.

This relates to my fantasizing about her...I just want her right now, but I have to wait. I know for sure that it will happen...in time! Leaving the lab now!

Friday, May 15, 2009

JUST F*&K IT!!!!

In the lab once again and this time I have a little pep in my step! No! Not because it is Friday, I guess it is because I have made some decisions. I am going to say just fuck it! Yeah I know, the person that is careful and calculates all of his risks and moves is in the... fuck it mood. That only comes when I have thought about situations over and over in my sought after brain and can only see there is no loss in the risk or decisions I make. I suppose I always look at the things that could happen that I lose sight of what is happening...THAT IS ONLY SOMETIMES! I WILL NOT CHANGE WHAT HAS WORKED FOR ME, BUT I CAN VARY THE PROCESS! I do not know how I came to this conclusion, remember I am stubborn and not a conformist. I am also determined to stand where I want to stand and do what I want to do...yeah that's the Harris everyone knows...the dude that is able to stand up and say...fuck it!

Some people have wondered why I talk about myself in the 3rd person..where has all of that confidence and arrogance come from...it has always been there I just never expressed it..and well here it is in full force...once again...fuck it! LOL!

On another note, I am ready to move and very excited about my new place. I am going to have more fun in this dwelling. The 4 years I have lived in this area I haven't had too many people at my spot at one time...well that will change. I have been persuaded to have a little get together and by the size and layout of the new apartment, it is good for entertainment...I will not have to worry about "2 tons of fun" making all of that damn noise above me like it is at my old apartment...so fuck it...(and well...I will not say what I want to say about that lady...night and day she can be heard walking)...naw this is my blog...fuck her too! LOL!

So here we go folks, the countdown is about to be up soon...I am ready to get in my new spot..and well when I think about it, I suppose a lot of new things are happening. I will be coming out of retirement at the lab and teaching 5 days in July and 5 days in August...I hope I can use my vacation time...or at least get paid for my services by the lab...yes it is about the money, the kids will be fine! I am still in awe that I am a master teacher...wow! My mommy has that title and she deserves it. She is a master of that craft and I never thought I would ever teach nor be regarded as a master teacher...wowserz! She has taught me very well.

Well it is time to hang up the lab coat and place the safety glasses back on the bench top...until later!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Potential Energy

Stepping into the lab I find myself in that weird mood. I am quite comfortable with being an outsider, I actually enjoy it. I am not one who yes I will use the word again, CONFORM! I have lived a life in a way that many will disagree with...knowing the possibility and skeptical about the present. I don't trust very many people, and when I say to someone I don't trust them that much it is a constant and common reaction presented to me that something is wrong with me saying it. It is an issue of patience with both me and the other party, and I will not lie and say I trust someone with one hundred percent heart and soul when I don't! It is extremely difficult for me to do it and yes it is from past experiences. I am skeptical, paranoid some may call it and I am alright with that. I would rather be in the car alone and driving in many instances than to put my life in the hand of someone else...yes that requires trust...it also requires knowing that there are some situations that I can not control. So I will only control what I can and deal with the things that I can't deal with.

In addition, I happen to speak the truth about what others can do. I do not and will not fall into the trap of naivety. I have done that before...using the common vernacular of: giving the benefit of the doubt...I don't do it. I have done these things in the past and I have learned my lesson from it time and time again...thus I give no one the benefit of the doubt. If someone wants that; well that is not something i can do. i have been called bitter, have baggage, stubborn, insensitive, and all of the names people would like to use for things like these but, all in all...who the heck doesn't have or had, or continue to be the latter and former? I live in a place, both physical domain and mental domain where you can try to take people for their word...but I don't! You can try to see how people are by their actions...but I don't! If the actions and words don't coincide...I disregard it. Words and actions are supposed to match. The statement of actions speak louder than words is wrong...they have the same volume and are suppose to be congruent.

I have also been told that I need to get over my past and what not..I will say in all honesty that I am over past experiences, and I will not be a fool ever again. It might make individuals upset when I say what they can do...potentially do...possibly do...if the opportune time came what could happen...even if they haven't done it! Yes because I look at all of the picture...so they haven't done it! So they haven't done me in and turned out to be another product of the past just packaged differently...I will speak the truth on it! I shall not be any one's fool and it might be an issue that some may not like again, but i have spoken the truth. What makes someone want to think that the possibilities are not there...even though it has not been done yet. I know what can be done and if it is done then I was right. If it is not done well then that person may live up to their words and actions...but I will make sure that if I do put total trust in someone that they will be on the level in my mind that they will not treat me as others have.

I am sure that this is not a popular way to think, and yes I have even talked to some professionals about it but that is the way i operate, sure it is unpopular...maybe even sickening to some that they will say that I might need to go back and see my therapist...but these folks have no clue what has happened to me in the past...yes i said past...but it also makes me more aware of the present and future. So although it might not have happened yet, there is always a possibility...there is always potential energy!

I will leave the lab now and realize that I am going to get some fire and brimstone about this from others who may read this...I am ready!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

You Don't See What I See!!


I come into the lab today and I am not really feeling too bad or too good. I suppose I am just neutral, although I am in a good mood. In some recent discussions with someone it has been a conversation concerning my weight and how I am losing it. It is more the latter than anything. I am not one who worries about myself too often unless I am on the verge of dying...which has already happened several times, or about to go broke beyond repair...which has happened one time. I have said and I will continue to say that every time I was rolled into a hospital, I came out of the hospital walking...on my own two feet. My body has taken so much and yet I am still pumping strong and able to live healthy.

I am no fool though. I have lost considerable amount of weight, but for the past nine months I have unfortunately gained some of the weight lost...back! Now I lost the weight because of complications with my diabetic medicine, but it was helping me to lose weight in it's own way...which turned out to be harmful. I have now returned to taking some of the left over pills to kick start the process that caused me to lose the weight and also doing some other things...in excess to quicken the process...but someone close to me does not like the process and has said that they will not support it...as this person would say they would discontinue our friendship because of my antics and methods of weight loss.

I am quite disturbed by this. Grant it, it is not to the extreme of taking heroin or crack...it is not that. Nor am I attempting to end my life...I can understand that you won't allow someone to do that...this is just weight loss. I will be sexier and thinner...so I will get penalized for trying to improve myself...no matter the method chosen by me? But their methods will satisfy? That has still not clicked into my mind and is really hard to fathom the "ease" of just walking away.

I do not think this person knows the difficulties in weight I have had and finally got to be a size that was not embarrassing and that I was able to fit...regular clothes that did not have multiple "X's"! I was excited that day I was able to go to Old Navy and fit a damn shirt or a pair of freaking' jeans! The excitement of looking at old clothes and to be amazed at how they look like a dress on you now...a dress!! Nor do I feel that this person knows how I did not feel attractive nor did I feel that I would gain a freaking date...when all know that looks do matter...under no circumstances did I ever believe that a woman would consider being with me notwithstanding weight...ha ha ha that was a farce. I am sure most men and women know this. It is not only how you feel about your self, but also the person you wish to have that also has a say in how you may look to them...at the outset...the initial attraction is what I am speaking of. If they don't like you then as you are...they never will. I digress.

I worry about other people, I know I will be okay. I am not used to people caring about what I do. I have been aloof for...hmm...all of my life. I take pleasure in things that many would say are not "normal". I have been one to find calmness in things that would make others cringe and scared half to death...I am sometimes impenetrable! I have never conformed, don't really want to lose sight of myself as that almost happened back in 2003 and 2004. I am not going to leave the lab...I never put my glasses on in this post...sometimes they don't help your vision when you reflect!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

French Cuffs or Hand Cuffs?


I love a French Cuffed dress shirt. It is not always wise to wear them with a lab coat so thus I have to take it off on this entry. Recently I went to Macy's and I was looking for a French Cuffed dress shirt. For those who do not know those are shirts that need cuff links to hold the sleeves together. I have about 3 pairs of cuff links and from time to time I like to wear them...like I am doing today. I have a pair that was given to me that are silver and gold that have my initials on them. They are very special to me...but once again I digress.

I was in Macy's and I had picked out several shirts. All of them were nice but I did not want to pay too much for the shirt. I have paid $30.00 and maybe $40.00 for a nice French Cuff shirt, but today I was not going to pay $75.00! I would be a doggone fool to do that. So at this point there are 7 or 8 shirts on the counter when I am ready to purchase my items and go on about my way.

Shirt number one gets scanned and the price is displayed on the keypad...the salesperson and I are having a good conversation concerning jobs and science and what not...shirt number one goes in the bag.

The salesperson answers the phone as someone has a question about something and it lasts maybe 3 or 4 minutes...

Shirt number two is scanned and the price is displayed on the keypad as he is chatting on the phone probably trying to help out another co-worker...

A co-worker comes to the counter and interrupts the conversation as the salesperson has shirt number three in his hand and scans it...the price is displayed on the keypad as I am standing there just taking it all in...

The salesperson then hangs up the phone and proceeds to place shirts number 3, 4, and 5 into the bag...

ME BEING THE OH SO HONEST AND DAMN UPRIGHT GUY TELL THE SALESPERSON...I DID NOT WANT THOSE SHIRTS (4 and 5) AND THAT HE COULD TAKE THEM OUT OF THE BAG!! YEAH BIG DUMMY CLINT!!

Yes so he took the other two expensive French Cuff shirts out and I pay and I go on and leave.

I think about what could of happened if I went ahead and let things progress. I would have had to leave the store and what if he didn't take the sensors off the shirts, I leave and the store sensor goes off, and I am caught with 2 shirts I didn't pay for. Then I would be wearing hand cuffs and not French cuffs. That man might have lost his job and the ability to feed his family. I don't know I think I am too honest at times. I know of many other people who would have gone on and did their thing and not even think about the consequences...they got two free shirts or free whatever item it my be. I wonder, why do I do these things knowing that I am not gaining an advantage. I guess I know that it is not the reward you receive now...but the one you receive in the future that is greater and has accrued more interest.

Putting the safety glasses on the bench top now... as I admire my receipts for the shirts I bought! I'll be back later!!

The Elements Of Me!


As I come into the lab, I must say that I am not feeling all that great. No it is not the weather, I just have a few things on my mind. Of course I will explain the best way I can...using the elements!

Kr - Krypton; yes I do have some weaknesses. One of my biggest weaknesses is trust. I find it very difficult to trust anyone, whether it be in a relationship or not. I am working on it but it is a slow and steady process to get to the point of being a totally trusting person. I have been told the I am skeptical...which is quite true. I have seen that most people in the South are skeptical. We are cautious of people I guess because we kind of are suspicious anyway and not very easily fooled. It is not like the movies or television shows, most of us from the South have a sense about things and if it doesn't smell right we run far away.

I find myself letting my guard down in my personal life, but in my professional life...there is an armed guard with explosives and laser detection devices watching every move. I think it has something to do with how I have been done before and also knowing how people act like thieves in the night in the workplace. I leave my personal business where it belongs...on my person. I hope that I can get over this trust thing. I don't know...it seems that the longer I have been in this area...DMV that is... the less trusting of people I am. Very strange I would say!

H - Hydrogen; I chose Hydrogen because it is the most abundant element in the universe...and speaking of abundant...yes I am back on my weight again. I have gained in 6 months the 20 pounds I have lost. Now if I look at this empirically I have gone from 405 back in 2000 to 215 in 2008 and now I am back to 235. The weight is coming off,I have already lost about 15 pounds and I have much more to go. Now some people may be mad at the way I am going about my weight loss...but sorry. If I got to the well and to the water the way I did before...why can't I do it now? I feel much better and yeah I might be doing just a tiny bit of damage, but when I get to my weight and get it tight like it is supposed to be then I will be feeling much better. Think of it as taking out all of the stops to increase my sexiness...I will still be sexy!

Na - Sodium; Many people may not know this but Sodium exists in nature as a metal. This is not the Sodium or salt that you may find in food items..this is totally different from that kind of salt. That type is an ionic bond which is a bind between a metal and nonmetal...I am just talking pure Sodium. Sorry for the lesson!

In addition, if you take pure Sodium and throw it into a bucket of water, you will create a violent explosion. I have done that with some of my old students and scared the crap out of them. I mention sodium because I am feeling quite reactive at this time. I have this thinking and ideal that I want to have some stability, and I had it for about 2 months...and now all is haywire again. I do not get it but I am trying to roll with it. It is not that I am not thankful for all that is going on, but I don't know where this is going. I am good for moving with the winds of change, but this wind is a special one in which it's direction has no constant direction nor origin...I suppose this is what I get.

U - Uranium; Many folks know this element and yes it is a highly unstable and radioactive element. It's used in weaponry only if it is enriched. I will not go into how to do that for fear I may be taken into custody. I only use my powers for good. I have chosen this element to explain how I feel about these holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day! I feel it is all good to have a holiday of the sort to celebrate the parents of those who have adopted children...it is cool to also have the holiday to remind us of those we have lost...but I am a believer that my mother became a mother when I was born...so that is Mother's Day for me. I get my Mommy a present on my day of birth...she didn't have to bring me into the world but she did. Hence, that is Mother's Day to me. I will also say the same for father's on their day. I don't really have a relationship with my father...which is all good. I am not even saying I want to be a Dad either...I am not real sure about that at all, it is a big responsibility, and I know I am no where mature to have a child now! Most of you all know that already. It is a real touchy and highly unstable topic for some. many women will not be with or marry a man that is nou 100% sure of an affirmed answer of yes to have a child. I don't know about that and I think it is fair to say what I have said. Should I be an outcast or not wanted by a lady if I say that?

In any event I got some of the stuff off of my chest. The glasses go back and the jacket on the hanger...I'll be back later!!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Sexless Orgasms!

Strolling in the lab, yes I am quite frisky. It is better than me using the "H" word that would be quite vulgar and well...I don't want to get that way up here...yet! LOL! So my friskiness does not come from recent conversations(ahmmmm) ...but something I have thought about and actually had to do earlier this morning. I went into my closet and got my stick bag and started to practice a little bit. Yeah...I miss the way I would sit at the set, and in a course of 3 to 4 minutes whether in church or in a recital hall, I could make people groove and pat their feet. I could make people get up out of their chairs, clap their hands, dance, move their head to the rhythm...I think all drummers love the feeling...like a sexless orgasm. I have missed that feeling for awhile..don't get me wrong, I still have the chops to play the set and put the funk back in it..understand that! It is just some of those moments I miss. If anyone has ever performed on stage...music that is...in whatever capacity...you know what it is that I am talking about. There is something about me on that set and doing all of the many different patterns I know from Funk, to Salsa, to Reggae, to Bossa Nova, to Swing, to Shuffle...you name it I can control your movement and all that you do for that period of time. I am just sitting there in the groove...keeping the pocket together and fresh...hot and saucy...and all the time having a sexless orgasm. No other feeling like it. I am leaving the lab now...smiling...and with my sticks on the bench top!