I will be the first not to admit when I need help. That is just my nature, I may need it but I try not to ask for it. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I suppose that is why with the ordeal I am dealing with I find myself confused...I don't like to ask for help...even though I may need it, I am willing to struggle and possibly fail...when that Damn Fool Pride (DFP) kicks in. I am glad I usually don't fail...except in one department...RELATIONSHIPS!
I am not good at them because it requires me to lean on the other person. It requires me to let someone else be there for me...which I am not used to and I really honestly not let anyone do. I guess I am under the impression if I don't do it...it won't get done. Even in the workplace I find myself feeling like I have done nothing because I have to wait on someone else to get their part done for me to get all of my work done...I don't have a problem working with a team...but most of the time the team is not on my intensity level...get it done...complete it...to perfection...don't waste time!
I have been told that I am too independent, thus the reason why my relationships do not last too long or end up going in the dumpster. Even now I am battling myself to allow someone and people to help me. I know I can't do it all alone, but it seems that is what I revert to because I do not want to trust someone else to do what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes you don't know who to trust and well, you take out your old dirty crutches that you know will work just to help yourself get through what might be in the way and dust them off...because you usually go with what you know.
I have tried to get people to understand that and well....I don't know if it is working or not. They are not the problem, I am! I am the one who will hold things in...maybe post them on this blog...cry it away, talk it out to myself, talk to God, talk to my mom...before she died...just figure it out on my own. I do not want to seem like I am a bother or charity case to anyone, so I go it alone. Is that the reason I am not able to be in a relationship for a long period of time? Has my trust issue thwarted all of my relationships and any that may come if the one I am in turns out like all of the rest?
It may be a shame but I have imagined myself alone...maybe because I always feel like I am. It is not anything I have done on purpose, it is just that way. I see that many people do not happen to feel or think the way I do. I have been sooooooo out there doing my own thing and not letting others in on what I think or do...feel or want to feel...experience or endure that I do not feel that anyone will say to me...you know what Clint...you make sense. I know full well that I do! It is hard to fathom at times, but maybe it will happen. I know I am not normal...and my mate recognizes that as well.
I love you, but God loves you more!!