For the past several weeks I have made a lot of changes. most of it dealing with people that I know. I was told that by a current friend that it is alarming how I am quick to dissolve friendships with people and think of all of them as expendable...well not all of them are expendable but hey I am a loner so if people want to go then adios! I know why I am this way and it has prompted me to not really care for the most part, because I don't. The reasons that will be expressed in this blog are all real life occurrences and well, it is a story that could happen to anyone. I am not saying my story is the worse, but it is one that gives me the attitude that I have. It has given me that "chip" on my shoulder, and a disposition that only a FEW can take. I often wonder why it is only a FEW, but I think people have a grand facade and like to promote their facade and ignorance towards life knowing that their facade is not the truth!
Before I was born I remember my mother telling me that she had to go in front of the church, before the deacons, and apologize for having a child or being pregnant out of wedlock. I suppose that begin the rogue nature of my existence because I know my mother didn't like it. Why did she apologize in front of a bunch of men? And some of them were trying to sleep with her...I do not know, but she did it because of my grandparents...who are not really my grandparents. They are biologically, my great uncle and great aunt, but since they did the job, they get the title. I do know who my grandparents are on both sides of my family, but they are deceased. My biological father did not claim me as his own...more to come on that subject later, but my mother did happen to find another man that she thought would love her! Well to make a long story short this sorry excuse for a man beat her up and beat me up! My mother took it for a short amount of time and when she got him back, she got him back good...iron cookware seems to come in handy to bust someones ass! The aftermath was something else though. He stalked us into our new residence and well he hit my mother so hard that she was knocked out cold and I had to call 911. I do also remember her having to go into surgery and it was rough seeing that at a young age but I suppose it was for a reason. Mom got over that and divorced him and moved on with our lives. I can say that my mother was an enabler of sorts because she put up with some stuff she didn't have to from men. I do partly blame her because she was a heck of a woman. college educated, had her own, and some of these men were not on her level. She gave them a chance anyway. To make a long story short she got married against my wishes in 1992..and well she got divorced in 1996. We moved from her dream house during a hurricane in 1997...we went through a lot. Many of the things that happened and despair to follow came from the one thing that we did and got burned on TRUST! Now to my reasoning.
I have been through a lot. Bio-dad told me I was his at 16...met my grandparents on his side...only with in that same week to say I wasn't his child. I had to take care of my sick grandparents from 1989 to 1995. helped my mother through that. I watched them deteriorate and well grandfather from lung cancer and grandmother from Alzheimer's (which is a horrible disease)! Many might not know but I SHOULD HAVE been number one in my high school graduating class, but the principal and a math teacher who was putting wrong grades in her grade book, found a way to screw me out of it. I was taking college courses in high school and well my GPA was higher than everyone else. I have seen one of my friends die in a tragic accident in Jr. High school. I was screwed out of continuing my degree from the university I wanted to go to by my mother's second husband. I have been homeless, sick, in hunger, destitute, flat broke, in love, out of love, without a car, without a job, on the street, tricked, used, abused, so on and so forth. This is not give me sympathy moment.
I am now to the point after losing my mother the way I lost her and after enduring all of this (with God's grace) ask myself what else do I have to go through? I have been through it all and I think of myself now as invincible. There is nothing right now that I can not take. I am a realist, I do not take pleasure in the pretty picture that everyone likes to post. It is just a representative of a snapshot of time and not the full story. These pictures are silent words in time! I have said that many people speak cliche's to others to make them "feel good" but not feed the truth. In all of these situations I have been through, I was able to survive and have the best of everything through the bad times. I was able to walk out of every hospital I was rolled into. I am now a college graduate with 2 degrees and did not miss a step and graduated on time. I was still able to bounce back from the homeless situation and now be financially strong and stable. With the loss of my mother I expect greater and better things to come from this. I am not a pessimist, nor am I am optimist. I am a realist and visionary.
I do not stroke egos and tell my friends what they want to hear. I speak things plain and clear and if they are upset, oh well it is not my place to speak something to them that is not true...I am transparent and many can not respect nor do they accept it. They still look at that snapshot...the silent words of a picture and feel that it is continuous, when it is just a and non-changing static figure of life.
I have also learned that it is not about me. Whatever will happen, will happen because God said so and that is it! It is not a matter of Him controlling everything (such as free will) but His perspective is so great and so wide that He knows what the final outcome will be.
I do not see the color in situations I see black or white...right or wrong...I will not see the color because it yields to confusion. I have heard and seen people try to rationlize the wrong and make it right knowing damn well they are wrong and nothing but wrong. It seems to be a pattern that is sickening to me and I refuse to accept it. If you look at a traffic light the red...means stop...the green means go...the yellow...causes all of the confusion. If a man stole bread to feed his family or if a man stole because he was hungry, it does not matter, stealing...it is wrong! If people would take a stand on right and wrong and not try to use the max/min principle of living (maximum amount of benefit for the minimum amount of work) there wiould be so many wonderful changes in the world!
I am a tough person and I will remain that way! I do not walk the road that everyone travels and I take pride in walking the road that is less traveled. It does get rough at times and I sometimes want to move to the road that has already been paved with tons of traffic...but for some reason...maybe the resolve in me...maybe the challenge in me...maybe that crazy aspect in my brain...I want to walk to my own tune and knock down the doors I need to, for my own satisfaction and my own knowledge! Many know I will do that and make my mistakes and be okay with it...I know I will make then. I just accept them and learn from it and vow not to make the same one again.
Many people do not like the tough folks because we don't stand in the shadows of sympathy and utter emotional B.S. Get up do what you want to do and screw what those other people think! Just face the facts! More folks are worried about how they look in the morning rather than how they look to God! More peopole are concerned with their title or rank in the world rather than the ultimate title of being a child of God! So if you do not like me that is fine. I am cool with it because I don't need anyone but God. I have a short time on this Earth and I am an endangered species...there is only one me...and while I am here I will make the best of the opportunities that will benefit me and possibly benefit others. There is a line of one of my favorite gospel tunes called Hold To God's Unchanging Hand...it says:
Trust in Him who will not leave you
Whatsoever the years may bring
If thy earthly friends forsake you
Still more closely to Him cling
That is how I live. That is how I will live! Mommy taught me well and I don't mind singing it and shouting it to any and everyone! Live people...be tough...be humble...be faithful to right...reject wrong!
I Love You But God Loves You More!
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