Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Healthcare reform! How gullible are you?


Since my mother was killed (I dare say she died…that is too nice!) by the hands of an incompetent surgeon or group of surgeons I do feel that health care is one of the most important issues to me right now. I am all for changing the system of health care to make it more affordable and to regulate the insurance companies, but I feel a major component of health care reform has been left out, or someone is not talking about it.
One, health care reform should go as far as more stringent documentation and training of these doctors and surgeons to guarantee that people are getting quality care…for a low and/or affordable price. Two, wellness programs should be paramount instead of insurance companies and doctors opting for more expensive and invasive ways to cure the ill…for example physicians suggesting surgeries as the first resort rather than the last and prescriptions that are extremely expensive to obtain other than proven natural options to cure an ill or for it to permanently subside. Don’t prescribe it if it is not truly needed, because a doctor wants to get the most money for the least amount of research and work!
What is the difference from a doctor or surgeon that graduated first in their class from a prized medical school rather than a physician that graduated last? Nothing!! They are both referred to as “doctor”. Thus, are we as consumers and patients getting what we pay for? Are we getting quality based upon the opinion or opinions of doctors and surgeons that have done well in their coursework and their residency? For the most part we could say yes, but a deeper look at it says no. Why is this….EGO!! My mother told me she had the best surgeon working on her to removal a gall stone…but my mother died from mistakes made by the surgical team for a routine and albeit simple procedure. Whether or not the surgeon is coined as the best, what makes that surgeon the best… because a degree from a medical school does not mean a hill of beans! In addition, these surgeons and doctors train soon-to-be colleagues and God forbid they teach them the same awful techniques. This leads to a litany of professionals that happen to operate on patients the same way putting these patients at risk or the extreme…death. Will health care reform put the responsibility of these medical schools, doctors, and surgeons to the utmost scrutiny? I don’t know but I am hoping that this reform will help to put a handle on some of these medical doctors and surgeons.
Furthermore, when do we as consumers and the insured stand up for what we do pay for right now? We should be getting second and third opinions about decisions made from our primary care physician. We should do research on what ails us before we go to the doctor and have a better idea of what could be going on. We should be doing research as to what kinds of tests are being run on us to make sure that it is necessary to run that particular test. As consumers and patients of health care we ought to be taking a look at ways to be well and preventive care to make sure we do not just see the doctor when we are sick or have symptoms of something. Of course this leads back to the money aspect, but are we gullible consumers or informed people that want to make sure that we are getting what we are paying for and not wasting out money? It is amazing how we can go to many different department stores to choose the perfect item of clothing and pay posh costs for them, but do not take the same time and funds about our health. It is not only left up to the government to lead this change, but we do have a responsibility as patrons of this reform as well. We have no excuse to make sure we are healthy and to also challenge and question what our physicians tell us. There is a direct relationship that the insurance companies and physicians have that is extremely unyielding. The latter can also be said about the doctors and pharmaceutical companies. Focus on wellness and get more opinions! Ensure your own health care and reform from the household outward!


I Love You But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

WIDE RIGHT

Let the argument go…
Yes I knew you know
I didn’t mean for it to go wide right
Tried to do what it do…
All just to please that freak in you
I’ll make it better the next time you want me to drive
I mean you were
So rough
And so loud
You almost drew a crowd…
And you know that shit ain’t right
This can’t be the last time…
I promise to wax it ‘til it shines
I’ll make sure it won’t go
Wide right

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Accept The Truth!


The realization of still loving someone is not the problem nor will it ever be. The fact remains that person does not love you back. Is that feeling hard to shake? Not really because I have had that feeling before...from another source. There are times when I will feel accepted and other times when I just don't feel it. How do I know? because I have been there once again many times. It happened with the denial from my biological contributor, and numerous times in my love life and recently with another person who wants nothing to do with me...which I have accepted and well...has prompted me to make other decisions that will manifest next month.

The purpose of writing this is to make clear that the old adage or cliche that..."There is someone for everyone!" is not true, not only for me but for many others in the world. I do believe I am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. As hard as it is to realize it sometimes I do realize it more and more everyday. I have been told many things about me and my attitude and how I trust no one...and my lack of trust has augmented even more from the events of the person who wanted me to "let her in". I do not believe there is a woman for me. There will not be a woman who will love me for me and what not so I do not intend on even trying. Things will become even more difficult to decipher because of the major change to my financial status that will happen as a result of my law suit from the death of my mother...in which I will not give anymore details about until all is said and done. So this is it, I seriously doubt at this time that I am someone a woman might want nor would like to have. I am not mad or sad about it...I am being realistic.

I Love You... But God Loves You More!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Coffee Pot Confusion!


That instant coffee is what does it for me...place the tea kettle on the stove and wait for my water to boil. I like having the radio on to hear the weather report so I will know what to wear.

Report:

More disease in Rwanda, hundreds to thousands of more children die due to lack of medicines and famine!

Got to grab my tie! Uh where is that weather report!

Report:

Mother kills her children in a murder for hire money scam to gain back her estranged husband!

Did I get the French Vanilla Cream I like?

Report:

46 people assumed dead in a deadly train derailment...Let's go the Philip Richardson for more details!

Got to call her later, set it up for tonight! Loving this cologne on me!


Report:

AIDS continues to spread rapidly in highly populated areas such as Chicago, Washington D.C., New Orleans. Studies show the Black community still at high risk!


Make sure I am strapped!

Report:

Domestic violence believed to be the reason behind shopping mall massacre!


I don't shop at the mall anyway! Too far to drive the Beamer there...by the way where is that weather report?

Breaking News:

Dangerous convict has just escaped prison and he could be armed! If you see this man call police as soon as possible!

Got to get some eggs for breakfast tomorrow morning because I know she wants to eat...damn I hate cooking...but it is good!

Report:

Economists say more decline on the way this year as 189,00 more people have lost their jobs this week alone! Unemployment benefits nearly maxed out!

I always like these loafers...got that square toe in the front so the cuff hangs right!

Report:

More Middle-East violence as religious factions riot in a near by private school. witnesses say that the violence has now spread to harm innocent children!

Got all I need to get ready for this meeting at work. I am glad I am always looking good I this tie. Blackberry...cell phone...Got my jacket...time for the coff...

Report:

Gang violence on the rise as police try to control the local drug trade.

Report:

Now for local weather. Skies will be partly sunny and a high of 74 degrees...it looks picture perfect here...hope it is where you are as well! Now back to Jessica Malone for more news!

Almost forgot my...

Did I hear the tea kettle...or was that a scream?



I Love You, But God loves You More!

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Miracle In You!


Falling in love is the simple work...maintaining the love is the task that is the most difficult. But I, for the sake of my life can't find what I am seeking in you. Chronicles of walking on water and raising the dead have been confirmed through the affirmation of faith and biblical tales. Dare-devils and life altering escapes from destruction and death have riddled the television frequencies and radio dials, but I still don't know...it is indeed a mystery to me when it comes to you.

A life of traveling from heart to heart has taken it's toll upon mine. There are faded footprints and skid marks from all various brands of ladies shoes...even yours...walking in the forward direction toward my heart and soul...but I still wonder about you.

I can imagine myself sitting upon love's tree and the whistling wind chanting proverbs and proclamations of love from others that have sat on it's limbs. From some that I am familiar with, to those that I am not...but I am waiting to hear your name coupled with mine...and that I can't deny...but I don't want to weigh the branches down upon which I now sit. As selfish as I want to be, and as careful as I must...I descend from the branches still in awe about you...and I am still waiting.

I wish I could have been the person who was the author of your heart...and in a selfish sense I would have written the stories and fables to appease my mind and quench my soul's thirst to find it in you...and yet I wait selfishly like a child wanting the essence of the taste of candy...just for that child and that child alone to enjoy.

I am a believer of the sick being healed, of the dead being revived, of the escape from hurt, harm, and danger...of the near miss...of the would have, should have, could have...of the fortunate happy accident! I have mused within the ancient volumes of potential mistakes and mishaps that were beneficial to mankind...I just long for the one just for me...the miracle in you.

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Cage!


I can't hold it no longer
I just want to let it out
If I would have held it
You never would have done what you did when you did what you did
But I had to let it out
I asked for clues when there were none to give
I asked for you to explain and you had already made it plain
But I couldn't sit
And Sit...
And sit...
And sit...
I can't hold it no longer
I just want to let it out
You said loving you was easy
But I couldn't allow myself to please me
I tried so long to hold, before in my mind it got cold
I never would have done what I did when I did what I did
But I had to let it out
So you could feel it
But I guess I'm the one who's the fool
To do what I said I wouldn't do
When I did what I did
But I didn't mean to do what I did
When you meant to do what you did
Because I had to let it out
Should have left it alone
But I had to let it out
Even though I was wrong
But I couldn't chill
And chill...
And chill...
And chill...
I had to let it out
Should have left my tongue in it's cage
It leads to love's demise
Do you really have to let it out?

I love You, But God Loves You More!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The New Leader of The Big Booty Crew!!

Five inch Stuart Weitzman stilettos clicking as you walk with your girls into the club. This was not the case years ago as you were not a part of the crew!

Flashback if you will 7 years ago, in college, biology major and no play from any other popular fellas, just the ones that were in the cut getting their career in check, the fellas that you didn’t want to date or even associate with. Yeah you were smart, had a cute face, body was okay, and you got tired of the brothers only wanting you because of your butt…as big and beautiful as it was and still is. You sought a man that wanted you for your intellect, your mind, not your body.

So you graduated that year and went on to a paid internship in an office setting. One of your friends from the “Slut Society” said that you need to walk on “Tramp Terrain” and that would be the only way for you to attract a man. You are too damn plain…too damn career minded, go out and have some fun and relax…all of this coming from a woman who would borrow money from you for rent, food, diapers, electricity bill, car payment…so her opinion was like gold to you! What’s up with your apartment, your car, your clothes, and your make-up? It is not what a woman in your stature should want and clearly no man would want you…another girlfriend say as she was sitting having more hair sown into her already sown in hair…show that ass you have a little more another girlfriend would say that would have on dresses that looked like it was 5 sizes too tight just to show off her boobs, pouch, and oblong ass. Hit the gym and tone it up sugah! Then you will see all the men wanting you!

You were extremely frugal with your cash! You didn’t buy all of the expensive clothes, shoes, furniture, cars, and so on because your parents taught you the value of saving your money and having your money work for you. But those Friday nights alone and weekends just staying in watching movies wasn’t enough for you. You would hear the stories of fun out on the town with the various men your girlfriends would date. How were they able to get these constant dates with all of these men, and not have to pay a dime? You remember the dates you had…to Friday’s, to a movie, a Go-Go concert, and realized well damn how can I get it like they have it?

You took your girlfriend’s advice and started a total transformation. Drinking the Wal-Mart diet soda was not good enough for you anymore…it was Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke that discount shit was off brand…you can’t do that anymore! You saw that you needed to change the look in your apartment. HGTV was the channel you would watch and you compiled a list of all that you needed to change in your place to make it more “modern” from the bed linen to the type of soap in the bathrooms…you changed it and your apartment was certified HAWT!

Compliments even from the maintenance staff that fixed the small and un-noticeable chip in your guest bathroom mirror! You changed your car from an Altima to a BMW 7 series of course and your wardrobe was nice and not all from expensive spots…now it is nothing but name brand from Macy’s to now Nordstrom, New York and Company to now Saks 5th Avenue, Old Navy to now Banana Republic, step up your game you heard, this must be the secret to the success that you wanted. You were now going to do what most sistas do…yeah cut your hair and then break out some new style, but you noticed that most of your girlfriends…had the best weave and hair additives to promote their outward appearance and the sista certified tried and true neck shake when warranted. You said well hell I’ll just straighten mine just a little more to accentuate my cheek bones and slender neck line.

You were all set except for one thing…flip phones were out…can’t be seen on that thing it wasn’t “smart” enough…got to get that Blackberry touch with the 5 mega pixel camera with the voice activation and free subscription to I-Tunes...make it fly like that!! Make-up…check, fragrance…check, lotion with the slight glitter tone…check, Prada purse…check…all is right and in place…time to roll to the club with the girls!

Five inch Stuart Weitzman stilettos clicking as you walk with your girls into the club. This was not the case years ago as you were not part of the crew! Now you have made it into the crew…the Big Booty Crew and look at the fellas staring at you…damn look at that ass…baby got it going on! Shawty is tight…she’s bangin’…damn fine as…damn just fine…if I could hit that ass just one time…you hear it over and over. Your girls are like damn look at all of the play and you just had to change your image baby…get that swag turn it on blast.

Doing that sexy, beautiful walk into the club and sit at the bar…free drinks flowing from here and there from almost every man at the bar to you and your girls. Offers to dance and to talk…You do that funny fake smile because you don’t see anyone who is worthy of your time. I am sorry the new time you have just garnered with the new you! Offers of phone numbers adorn your mind and you have allowed yourself to take a few, knowing you will not call…they are just not your type!

Then this fine brother comes up to the bar and sits next to you, your girlfriends approve of him…they give you that nod you have been waiting for all night…girl that’s all you! He smiles and says hello! Wait he didn’t acknowledge my beauty? You say hello back in astonishment. He asks how you are doing tonight. Wait he didn’t say what he wanted to do to me? You say you are doing pretty well just chillin’ on a Hersday with your girls! He tells you his name and then asks for yours and says nice to meet you. Wait he didn’t ask if I had a man and for my number? You tell him your name and give a salutation in return. He is striking up conversation and all of the time you are shocked...He didn’t do what you thought he would do. He is not of the mold that you are trying to attract…with all of the changes you have made you feel peculiar about it.

You continue to talk to him and notice everything that might be wrong with him…but he has your attention anyway. He has on Old Navy jeans…you don’t mess with that store anymore, but you did secretly like them. Shirt was INC from Macy’s…yeah you remember that line and it was fly, but not expensive or classy enough for you! His scent was Joop…nice cologne but it wasn’t that of an expensive amount per ounce. So you are about to write him off when he says to you…Do you know why I came over here to talk to you? You say no. He says, I can see right through you and you are not who you appear to be! One of your girlfriends I will not mention by name asked me to come out because I was looking to have a good time and just chill...and specifically meet you! She said you would be cool peeps to meet. She showed me some pictures of you and I was like she is beautiful…now I don’t know what to think, I was almost like this doesn’t look like the person in the pics. Is this one of those you looked better on MySpace moments?

You look at him with perplexed eyes. Why?...you ask. Because what she told me about you must be a lie...she said you were simple and just a smart lady who had not found the right one. Do you know your girlfriends envy you, because of your simple lifestyle, how you are content with just simple things that are nice, and not too extravagant? You live within your means and don’t flaunt.

I guess you look at them and wonder why they are able to do the things they do all of the time with this dude and that dude? They have tried to talk with some of my homeboys and then my homeboys, homeboys and it is all game they run. The reason they have all of those men taking them out all of the time is because they can’t afford to go out themselves. From the entire process of image consulting and changing from home to car to hair they are in debt…free clubs is what they go for and brothers that will buy them drinks…ever notice that they don’t ever buy a drink and the clubs are all free admission for ladies? Look if this is the new you then that’s cool I can walk away right now. But I have heard so much positive and uplifting things about you from your girls, and to see this? I don’t really know what to say.

Speechless you ponder about what you have done. You have changed for the plain and simple reason just to find a man and to please your friends…not to please yourself! All along you were the one that didn’t have to change…they already admired you for who you are and not what you became. It’s all true…but is it too late...or is it? Congrats to the new leader of the Big Booty Crew!!




I Love You...But God Loves You More!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Bob Ross, Cheerleaders, Fans, and Tainted Pictures!


I do not try to paint pictures that are not true...and through my experiences I have seen many people try to paint pictures that make them look good not only for themselves, but for their "cheerleaders' as well. I don't need to do that! I have been in the company of those who will not stroke my ego, nor will I make a story look favorable for me...thus to get a feel of what I am trying to explain let's use a wonderful painter... Bob Ross.

I used to watch him all of the time and I enjoyed the creations of art he would cultivate and manicure on his programs...it was an experience to hear his calm voice and then see his ability to attack a blank canvas and produce a wonderful work of art...which is HIS own. I realize that the art that we sometimes produce may look good to the eyes we present them too...but in all art there is always a flaw. Thus it might seem to be an easy thing to not detect because we present a pretty picture of what went or what is going on...but look deeper...what is not mentioned is the flaw...a subtle mistake...a cover-up...something you are not supposed to see or pay attention to...Bob had many as what he would call them..."happy accidents" but we knew they were there and as much as we tried to not notice them as viewers he made it clear that he has made mistakes in his art plenty of times...and he can do what he can to eliminate them, but he knows that they are there...and as we are viewers of the creation we know they are there as well.

I do not try to hide my flaws under the umbrellas of others because I may state in my writing who I am...or I may tell individuals what I want them to know so they can be on my side...no I don't do that. A tainted picture is created and thus the emotions of others are turned toward you...and they feel either sorry for you, great for you, want to help you out, pity for you, or dog and down the other individual or individuals in the situation...true conviction will not allow that to happen. I will say that many times this has happened to me...and I have sat back and let it happen, but I have learned that the more one presents themselves to be paraded by and around "cheerleader" the more that their head is not in the game...they don't want to have fans.

Pick which side you want to be on...do you want the fanfare of the cheerleader that can change in an instant?...because you control their emotions by your actions. When you are up they are up, happy...they are happy, sad... they are sad, pissed...they are pissed!

Or do you want the approval of the die hard fan...because no matter what you do...win or lose...they will be mad at you and tell you in an unbiased way what you have done wrong or right...and they will still continue to support you through and true! Stop painting tainted pictures...it only does you harm, you can have all of the cheerleaders you want...but the fans mean more!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Solution!

I will make this quick. In the scientific world it is always a joy when you find the solution...so with all going on with my health, my family, my mother's affairs, Kayla Harris, work, finances, cars, house, I know the solution!! I have never given up on anything in my life, and there has been only one time I was in this situation and I was able to get out of it, so let's get it in gear again! Stay tuned, because I am about to shock EVERYONE!!!!

I love you, but God loves you more!

Friday, July 10, 2009

My Suicide!

There are some times when you realize that you are completely done living. The issues and things that you have gone through have taken their toll to the point that your strength to endure is gone and thus...you don't want to see another day at all. In addition, you feel that your whole world is crumbling and nothing seems to be coming into positive fruition and thus, why lie? Why continue to suffer and be afraid of what is going to happen next? People may say that you have it good, you have it great, you have it so nice but their problems are more serious than yours...and you know it, but the volume of yours compared to theirs is not even worth comparing, because there is no number imaginable that could thwart yours.

There is no one there who can share your burden because those people have either gone away, or you pushed them away, or they chose to go and let you be alone, what ever the circumstance, you don't know who to call because they basically don't want to hear what you have to say or what is on your mind.

I will say that my suicide happened on June 4, 2009 when my mother died and is continuing. I must say that I do not know what I am doing with myself at all right now. I get mad for reasons I have no idea I am getting mad about. I am more paranoid than ever, having weird dreams, wondering who I can trust. I don't feel like eating even though I must. my kidneys are not functioning like they should, I am just a few ticks away from complete failure and possibly either transplant or dialysis. I want to be in the presence of others, and that has not been something I have ever craved! I still have the haunting picture of my mother in the ICU on my mind and how she looked and hoe she felt I can't shake off! I am tired most of the time and I look forward to nothing but my bed. I have even run some people...and someone I truly care about very much has gone away...so am I dying?

I will say that I am slowly but surely! It is amazing how those you have been around all your life are gone and you can feel yourself going along with them, I can just hear the news reports and people say what happened to those who were survived by...you fill in the rest. I am trying my hardest to live. I am not in the mood to be dead yet, although sometimes I feel like I am ready, and for the most part I am. I know there are things that I would like to accomplish in my life and some are like getting my PhD, to buy a house, to get married and have some children, I think I would be an okay dad...I wish my mother could see me when I do become a dad...telling my children about my mother...their grandmother would be really cool. I also want to marry a woman with brothers and sisters who also have children so I can be an uncle. I know it may sound strange but I would love to be called Uncle Clint...the crazy ass uncle that was loved because he did all of the stupid stuff...and never really cared about it too much!

This is my suicide, no I am not trying to kill myself or nor do I want to, but I am killing off the old me. I mentioned Harris V.2 and what it meant back in October and November, and maybe I saw it coming, that I have to change and I don't have a choice. For the person that I miss very much and you know who you are...I want you to know that my expectations were and still are high. It is difficult to show lots of variable emotions, when all you have done is be burned by it all of the time. I can do it this time without the prejudice of failure and heartache...if you allow me to. I blame myself, I blame my actions, I blame my life, but I will never blame you!

I will leave with a song I listen to quite often...when I am driving in my solemn and relaxing time, also in my loft... and I am singing with it loud and with true passion! Is is a definition, it is what is happening and I will continue to allow it! It is my suicide....and where the other me will finally reside...HEAVEN!




I love you, but God loves you more!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

D.T.A. Don't Trust Anybody...They are full of bullshit!!

D.T.A. means Don't Trust Anybody! There was a request made as was written in an earlier blog to..."let me in"...so what happens...I got burned! This individual got the advantage of learning what was on my mind and how I felt...and then decided to tell me what the prognoses should be...how I can better be served...please... that is utter bullshit!

For the most part I am to blame to allow myself to "let someone in" and I got burned, I got screwed over...because I told the truth and did not mince my words. All people know when someone says to you..."I can serve you better as a friend." or "I think we should be friends." or "I only want to be a friend to you right now!" or "I just want to be there for you!" or "We are friends ...remember?" or "We will always be friends!" it doesn't mean shit...(especially when a woman says it to you, not a damn thing! People are trying to gauge how you feel and move in for the kill...move in for the susceptibility of your mind and heart at that time...how do I know...because it has happened to me time and time again.

Then on the same notion these people come back to you and say well, it is your fault because it happens over and over...not the case. When the moment comes when I want to let someone in...I do it. In in most cases have to be asked to let it happen because they have problem with me not being open to them, sharing my feelings...all of that stupid mess, and of course me being so damn independent.

Yes you are right I am too damn independent because I know and my mother knew how people take advantage of you when you are down and want to know all there is about you so they can use it to their advantage and BOOM...POW...they got you...shot out of the water and in the case for this person...it is literal since they know a lot about water, ships, and shooting people.

In addition to that, I am the first to say that I am not all that great looking and for many years women have settled for me for whatever reason....like personal financial gain, answers to tests and quizzes back in undergrad,because I had my own place, because I knew a few folks that could help them, because they were waiting for something better, because I was a "good time" for that moment because I try to treat ladies as well as I can friend or otherwise...

I am not insecure one bit...I know how ladies like to use that damn excuse...I am stating a fact. I am not the best looking dude and I am not the worst looking dude...I am okay...average to below average. I don't have the best body and I have worked and I am working hard to get it looking better...but when I say to a lady that yeah I know that your men in the past have looked better than me and I make the fact known...why the hell do you cower like a little bitch? I am speaking and stating the truth! Especially when you know damn well and you have said it to me plenty of times that you have many men that adore your appearance and like the way you look....yeah and also they look better than me in both stature and physical prowess...sorry I can't get plastic surgery for your ass...I am working to better myself...but me stating the facts and bringing them into the forefront DOES NOT mean I am insecure!

Don't talk that shit about how you have all these high expectations, but you have no patience! That is a bunch of bullshit that you are kicking and I refuse to go for it. I may not try to put my maturity and wisdom out there for all to see like this person does, but just because I don't, doesn't mean I don't have it and can't see past and through and around bullshit! I am not all of that on the aesthetics scale, but that all any woman has complained about in my life!

I am intelligent...a damn genius, I am independent..or as some would say, too damn independent, and I don't and won't change that! It is really easy for people to kick you when you are down! Say what you do wrong, how insecure you are, how you don't let them in, how you distance yourself, how your friends have fucking concerns, but you know damn well your friends ain't got a positive thing to say about me one bit, how weird I am, how I say weird and dumb things, how I am just the antithesis to everything you had before...but for some reason your ass ended up with the antithesis..and your ass couldn't handle the antithesis...because as soon as the antithesis let you in..you go running and not looking back...just like everybody does!

Whether it be family, friends, or relationships, they all go running but complain that I don't let anyone in! Yeah people are more full of shit that they say they are. My grandfather told me a long time ago and I thought it was the morphine, but it wasn't..."Don't trust them..they are out to get you!" I didn't know what he was talking about, nor did my mother...but every time, every time, every time, I go on and take a detour from that type of thinking...I get burned!!

I Love You...But God Loves You More!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dusty Crutches

I will be the first not to admit when I need help. That is just my nature, I may need it but I try not to ask for it. I don't want to be dependent on someone else. I suppose that is why with the ordeal I am dealing with I find myself confused...I don't like to ask for help...even though I may need it, I am willing to struggle and possibly fail...when that Damn Fool Pride (DFP) kicks in. I am glad I usually don't fail...except in one department...RELATIONSHIPS!

I am not good at them because it requires me to lean on the other person. It requires me to let someone else be there for me...which I am not used to and I really honestly not let anyone do. I guess I am under the impression if I don't do it...it won't get done. Even in the workplace I find myself feeling like I have done nothing because I have to wait on someone else to get their part done for me to get all of my work done...I don't have a problem working with a team...but most of the time the team is not on my intensity level...get it done...complete it...to perfection...don't waste time!

I have been told that I am too independent, thus the reason why my relationships do not last too long or end up going in the dumpster. Even now I am battling myself to allow someone and people to help me. I know I can't do it all alone, but it seems that is what I revert to because I do not want to trust someone else to do what I am supposed to be doing. Sometimes you don't know who to trust and well, you take out your old dirty crutches that you know will work just to help yourself get through what might be in the way and dust them off...because you usually go with what you know.

I have tried to get people to understand that and well....I don't know if it is working or not. They are not the problem, I am! I am the one who will hold things in...maybe post them on this blog...cry it away, talk it out to myself, talk to God, talk to my mom...before she died...just figure it out on my own. I do not want to seem like I am a bother or charity case to anyone, so I go it alone. Is that the reason I am not able to be in a relationship for a long period of time? Has my trust issue thwarted all of my relationships and any that may come if the one I am in turns out like all of the rest?

It may be a shame but I have imagined myself alone...maybe because I always feel like I am. It is not anything I have done on purpose, it is just that way. I see that many people do not happen to feel or think the way I do. I have been sooooooo out there doing my own thing and not letting others in on what I think or do...feel or want to feel...experience or endure that I do not feel that anyone will say to me...you know what Clint...you make sense. I know full well that I do! It is hard to fathom at times, but maybe it will happen. I know I am not normal...and my mate recognizes that as well.

I love you, but God loves you more!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Feeling Dependent?


It will be a month tomorrow since the untimely, and senseless loss of my mother. I am astonished that I have made it this long and I thought that I would have jumped over a bridge or did some harm to myself, but I haven't. It is not even a thought that I have, I don't have the energy nor the will to entertain ending my life, because I have too much more to accomplish and also to make sure that mommy's death is recognized as a grave grave mistake and that the doctors and surgeons who caused it are held responsible.

If you are a parent, make sure that you know what your child is doing and the reason or reasons why. I say this because for years I was not happy at all...neither was my mom, but I made sure I would do whatever I would have to, to make her smile...and thus the grades and accomplishments in school and ensuring I did not get into trouble or worry her for no reason. I did that for years...through junior high school right up to when I graduated with my bachelor's degree, I held back a lot of things from my mother so she would not worry...I drowned myself into my music., and watching what not to do to be a man, and of course how to handle business.

That did not mean I wasn't happy, I was happy in some respects, but overall I truly wasn't. I was more worried about my mother than myself. I never really and probably still don't worry about me too much, I just know I will be okay and be able to handle what comes my way. As long as I know what direction to go in, I will make the best of it. In contrast, she was probably more worried about me than herself and sheltered me from some of her inner frustrations, but I suppose we were actually doing the same thing..worrying about each other. This leads to my main topic for writing this blog.

Then I learned that the "Harris Way" was something that I would understand later on in life...this priming of me from the frustrations my mom would go through was just a set-up for me to carry it on...and I truly do know what the "Harris Way" is all about...WIN! That is right just WIN! Now that does not mean that you will not lose some battles...but WIN the war! WIN...at the cost of making others happy! WIN...at the cost of making some other people disappointed or upset. WIN ...knowing that some days my be rough and some days may be good, but all of it is needed to be able to WIN the war! WIN...when you know you are right and although others may say you are wrong, or others may be the majority, stick to your faith and your resolve and know that the road less traveled often has the least traffic. WIN...to achieve and accomplish tasks successfully and always try to help someone else to get to that level as well. WIN...knowing that you will FAIL if you try to make everyone happy. it is not meant to try to make everyone happy...especially if you are not happy. WIN...by making sure you have all of your ducks in a row...you have you documentation and accurate notes...that you have made the job easier for someone to represent you by having your stuff together.WIN...knowing that God will do what He said He will do, He will keep His word and will give you your desires in the time that He wants to do it in. Your faith must be fit and tested at times to make sure that you are able to and to ensure that you will WIN...WIN...WIN...WIN!!!

I can only imagine when my mommy's soul was about to be judged what happened when she answered the questions...and then when she was able to meet the Lord and Savior finally and see that He is still alive and well...and the dance that she did when she looked back at all of the times she won and lost, cried and smiled, was sick and well, was hungry and nourished...Oh and when she was told by the Almighty...come on in, you have been good, you have been faithful, you have served me in and out of season, I want you to come on in to my house and dwell with me and the others who have WON!

I am waiting to get there myself one day. I do realize that I have a legacy to maintain and one to keep alive. One thing is for sure, I may stumble, I may fall, I may be down, I may lose some battles along the way here and there, and I may be weary at times...but like the forefathers of this great nation and like our troops over in other lands are fighting we are all INDEPENDENT and BLESSED! On this eve to Independence Day 2009, if you are feeling dependent let this message be just for you...but one thing I will make sure I do and I hope that you and all that you love and care for carry this train of thought...to continue the "Harris Way" and say...I will WIN...I will WIN... I will WIN!!

I love you but God loves you more!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wavelengths, Beats, and Frequencies!


Alright so I will go back to my lab motif, I suppose that was the purpose of this blog, to treat it as a record of what I have done and gone through in this life of mine, and I can say that since writing in this forum...a hell of a lot has happened. With all that has transpired I have never lost what keeps me going for the most part...those ever changing wavelengths, beats, and frequencies of sounds...music. I have indulged in it...played it loud and no-so-loud...lol. I have cried to it, smiled to it, and brought back...relived memories with it.

I wonder how miserable I would be if it wasn't for music. I think I have an extra added bell and whistle...because I know how to make and perform music. Some people wonder about the reasons why some artists love to perform live...like Michael Jackson, Steely Dan, Sting, Robin Thicke, Sheryl Crow, Eric Clapton. Chaka Khan, Amy Winehouse, Joss Stone, Keri Hilson, and so on...because there is nothing like hearing the crowd applaud and the various possibilities that happen on stage.

I have never played a song the same way ever in practice and live in concert. It is that exciting, and trying to recapture a part of what you did from an earlier concert or performance is impossible. Magic happens instantly and thus...the excitement of live music and live performing. Being in the studio has nothing on live performances...this is where click track Hip-Hop loses it's flavor...spit the lyrics over a live band and it is an instant classic.

My mother came to a lot of my performances throughout the years and also in church. I am glad I was able to play at her funeral...I haven't lost a step in my playing and I am seriously thinking that I need to get back into it on a regular. I will explore that option much further at a later date. Well I am stepping out of the lab but I have a feeling I will be back later today!

I love you but God loves you more!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Glove's Are Off...Is Their Train Coming?


Maybe I am changing or maybe it does not bother me anymore...I preface this entry with that statement because...someone wants to leave...walk out..of my life and at this point..since I am pretty much as alone as ever...I am not fighting it. It is not that I don't care...it is more like I am a great fighter...but this fight is not as big as the one I am dealing with now.

To begin, one of the reasons I have been regarded as a pretty smart guy a damn genius in the eyes of others is that I do ask questions and I am willing to let someone know that I don't know something. In addition, I say what I feel... to not cause assumptions but to end them. I also happen to say what I can't do...rather than fake and say that I can do something. I am pretty good at a lot of things and those that I am not good at I will ask for help and/or ask for what I can do to be better...in other words show me. I am my own worse critic and my own best praise monger!

The Situation:

I asked a person special to me a question...but I made a conscious effort to let them know that I did not think of them in a typical nor generalized fashion because of the profession and the proclivity of this profession can bring due to the amount of travel involved. And the distance away from loved ones. I also expressed this at the outset because...that person does not exhibit those qualities that are usually generalized, and from the experiences I have had dealing with these individuals in many capacities. The next thing I did was ask if that person had EVER exhibited those qualities.....

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

BOOM... here comes the questions as to why I would think they are that way? Why would I ask something like that? I obviously think she is like that since I asked? On and on...and so forth! To the extent in which it was made clear that the walking shoes were on and that they were leaving and fed up!

I usually would have plead my case. I would try to change the situation...but I didn't. This time I wasn't going to because I made it clear that I did not think that...but I suppose I am the one that has created the stigma of ...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

DING...Assuming the worst when I ask or think or say something. Yeah folks it is my fault. I have done it so much that that person is fed up to the point of...LEAVING! Although it is not official. So what do I do...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

NOTHING...Yeah weird isn't it..because it is MY fault. I remember a specific song off of the Earth Wind and Fire...Illumination album, and I feel that I am doing this over and over again...but the realization of this has allowed me to be at peace with it. Yeah strange but true. How do I really feel...

1. I have to take the gloves off and stop fighting because I am only hurting myself.
2. Do I really need to ask or just let it be? Ask because assumptions make it worse. Let it be and do what I usually don't...that benefit of the doubt stuff...when there should not be any doubt.
3. How do you know when a disagreement is over...when a man shuts up and just let all of the talk come from the woman.
4. Is this my last chance because of my situation? It just might be, I don't know yet but hey if it is I can only blame myself!

It is weird what a life changing event can do. The perspective changes and you realize that things can change if people want to work together to change it...I know I do but then...

"WHEN A WOMAN'S FED UP...(HELL ANYONE IS FED UP...)THERE AIN'T NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!" It is not up to you anymore...it is up to the other party!

SO...let's sit back and wait..but I feel that the bags are packed and the train is on it's way!

I LOVE YOU...BUT GOD LOVE'S YOU MORE!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bad Head!!


I was walking outside to get my lunch and I did happen to see a fine brown frame across the street...she had a very nice body. Now most of us fellas that have some tact and respect will just take a quick peak and smile...unknown to the woman walking by or in eyesight. I suppose another gentleman saw what I saw as well and he turned his head all the way around to get a glimpse...naw...a peak...naw...a great big wide angle look of her butt!! I was laughing to myself.

Why do some men do that? I mean no need to turn your head all the way around because you are that amazed at her face and want to see if her body matches...nah not the way I do things. I will admit that yes I look at ladies all the time and I don't touch, they don't interest me...I am already occupied...it is just a thing that men and women do. If they like something they see...they look... and they just don't turn their head...ALL THE WAY AROUND...it makes you look bad and desperate.

Enjoy the view of that person you feel is attractive and be tasteful. No wonder many women feel us men are just beasts with no type of sense...come on fellas..do what the ladies do...get a mental picture and save it for later...lol.

I love you, but God loves you more!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Flip Flops...Oh So Annoying and A Fashion Hell Naw!!

I can deal with the summer time heat...although I am a winter guy and absolutely love the cold. I can deal with the awful aromas some people have. I can get through the scantily clad people that have horrible arm pit hygiene. I can even be okay with some people wearing items of clothing that you know just don't fit and should never be worn during any season. But the one thing I will not and never like is FLIP FLOPS!

They are jail shoes...heck I wouldn't even call them shoes. They are tacky and should only be worn in the shower. Some people can't walk in them! All you hear is the annoying either sliding their feet on the floor or the people that walk so hard you hear them a mile away. I just feel that they are tacky. Yes I do have a pair of them...but they are only for shower use at the gym, maybe around the house...but I like just socks better. Yes...I do understand wearing them at the beach...and that is it! Not in public places, not in the office, not in stores, if you are not in the shower or on the beach...DON'T WEAR THEM! Sorry I just had to vent. LOL... I am now leaving the lab and remember...I love you, but God loves you more!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Mourning Is Over!

I would first like to thank all of you who have had kind words, offered your shoulders to cry on, gave a listening ear, cards, notes, letters, phone calls, and the many small and large deeds of kindness for the past several weeks! Is is GREATLY appreciated during this time of my mother's death and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I don't know how to repay you but there will be genuine reciprocity from the bottom of my heart to you. I once again thank you very much and heartily!

I have completed the mourning stage of the death of my mother. As I stated on Thursday at her celebration of life ceremony, I did not go there to mourn...I have had time to do that. (On a side note I did enjoy playing as well...Rev Christmas and I have always sounded great to the church and of course my mommy loved it when we would play...yes the itch has never left and my skills have always been tight...I may start up again in another church...stay tuned...) It is now time for me to be happy about the situation and understand that in some ways...she knew that her last days were coming soon. It is odd the way she left her house...sure it is always spotless...but this was an eerie spotless of her knowing that she may not come back. I was told by my great aunt Lucy that she called her and was speaking in a manner that was unlike her...like she was making amends. Mr. Robert (her boyfriend) said that the last song that they sang in the car to the hospital was "I'm Going Up Yonder!" so I guess she knew something...and of course she didn't want me to worry...because she knew that I would...and she has "gone up yonder"! I am now alone on this planet to cherish memories and handle the business of moving on and making sure her affairs are taken care of...and also the lawyers I WILL hire to make sure that others are not ever in this situation from a mistake made by a doctor/surgeon!

I sometimes think I am in a bad dream, and the realization of knowing that I am not..has made me stronger. My smile will be brighter and wider very soon. I am at peace and in confidence that I can say that my mother is deceased, a part of my heart may be broken, but she and God are confident, that I have ALL of the tools needed to move on. I would have loved to given my mother a daughter-in-law and some grandchildren...but that was and is not His will right now...He has something big in store for me...so I will say it...I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING BIG IS GOING TO HAPPEN...and when I say those words... and when I get that feeling...it usually does happen. That is why I am not worried...I will be okay and I will be receiving a huge blessing!

As far as the surgeon goes, I forgive him. He made a mistake, and though it was a costly mistake...both literally, (and will be financially)...I do not hate him or think he is a bad person or surgeon. We all make mistakes that are large and small and we all pay for them in some way. I am sure if he could do the surgery over again he would have been more careful...but that is not the case. I hope he will be more careful and realize that just because you are coined as "the best" does not mean that you can do things in a careless and cocky manner. I hope God blesses him and gives him peace of mind that he can carry on treating and operating on others in a pristine and humbling fashion and that he does not wallow in any shame!

I am right now not seeking anything more than peace of mind, the health and strength to endure all things, and the gift and application of wisdom. I feel that with those I will be able to make it! SO...I may tell a few stories here and there about my mother...maybe share some memories...I might reflect to the point of tears...Yeah I may be what my god-sister calls me " the invincible C-Pain" but I am also human and yes vulnerable to the human phenomena.

I will leave you all with the words that my mother always said to me when we got off the phone with each other...I will start saying this at the end of my writings as a tribute to my mother...

I LOVE YOU...BUT GOD LOVES YOU MORE!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Thong..Th- Th- Th- Thong?


I was gathering clothes for my mother to wear for her funeral. So I go into her room and I am looking for her under garments. I find a bra and I place it on her bed...I look for stockings...and I place that on the bed as well. Both were white and I was looking for the matching set of panties...got to coordinate for mom even if she is not among the living. I am searching through looking for some panties...and behold...look what I found...OH NO SHE DIDN'T...MOMMA GOT THONGS!! I shook my head and smiled in amazement...Why does this 61 year old woman have thongs? I am still amazed! So now it just makes it official and true...momma had a freaky side to her and passed it on to me! LOL!!! I love you mommy!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stop Picking The Bones!!


I am planning her funeral and I am joyous of the music that I plan on selecting. I have some really cool tunes in mind that I remember my mommy singing or that I recall her playing in the house. I am doing alright. Smiling a little more, although I do happen to do that a lot before mom died. I still have my weird thoughts that I may put on Facebook...which I am thinking about taking an exit from...but I digress!



I am also realizing that I have to grow up now more than ever! I can not confer with her anymore and get her input. I don't really have a relationship with the res of my family...all for reasons that stem back 60 plus years ago! I am really on my own now and that I have to make decisions that will really be affecting many of the things I have set in my life...and possibly if I want to or have the opportunity to have a family. I am an only child and I really do think that if it wasn't for me being and only child that me dealing with this would be more difficult than it already is.



I spoke with my mommy and God last night and I am alright with things...as the song says "it is well with my soul". I will continue to mourn the passing of my mother...until Thursday, June 18 at 12p.m. The casket will be shut and no one else will ever see the physical remains of my mother again. I do not plan on being there when people view my mother in the casket...I saw her alive...although not responsive...and that is how I want to remember my mother...alive...even in the shape she was in...she was alive! I saw my mother dead in that hospital ICU unit...and that is all I want to remember...no more. There will be no limo...no flowers...no processional...no repast at the house...none of that extra stuff that is so traditional...mom and I are not traditional...we just want the basics and for all to have a good time. I have to pick out her clothes, write the obituary, pick her burial ground, make the funeral arrangements, talk with the church about the program, and make sure all of that is financed...and that is just the beginning...the rest will be harder...taking care of a house and car and making sure her finances and assets are taking care of...now in my name! It is not easy and no one said it will be...have I had time the grieve...yes! Have I had time to cry...yes! Have I had time to come to grips about a beautiful woman that was my mother being deceased...yes! Can I live my life with her no longer speaking to me in a physical manner and that all I have left is memories and pictures...yes!



I can do all of those things...the one thing I find it difficult to do is to actually let people help me. My mom and I were the "do it yourself" express! We tried not to be a burden on others and did not want to feel like we owed someone something...that's when some folks start "talkin' loud and sayin' nothin'" some of you reading this who have dealt with this know what I am speaking about. For those that wonder...yes I feel great and I thank all of you for your support and calls and cards and food...and also I thank you in advance for the upcoming support and so on! Many of you have done more than my aunt's and uncle's have done...seems like nothing changes...just the stars of the show.



So folks let's take the time and grieve as much as you can...until the celebration of the person's life happens...and do what has taken years for me to practice and master...move on!! My mother was not taken from me because the God we serve is a God of love and does not take from us...He gives. He allowed my mother to be given to me and has given the world a gift... and I am sure he will give me something back that is just as good as my mother, she could never be replaced, but He does take care of His own...whatever it is I don't know, but it what is in store for me I am anticipating it. I am not going to pick the bones like others do and dwell and sulk in it...I can't do that anymore. I did that for a few days and had to come to the understanding that my mother has passed on...I am a part of her...I am a a living and breathing representation of her....I respect it and will not shame it!