I am planning her funeral and I am joyous of the music that I plan on selecting. I have some really cool tunes in mind that I remember my mommy singing or that I recall her playing in the house. I am doing alright. Smiling a little more, although I do happen to do that a lot before mom died. I still have my weird thoughts that I may put on Facebook...which I am thinking about taking an exit from...but I digress!
I am also realizing that I have to grow up now more than ever! I can not confer with her anymore and get her input. I don't really have a relationship with the res of my family...all for reasons that stem back 60 plus years ago! I am really on my own now and that I have to make decisions that will really be affecting many of the things I have set in my life...and possibly if I want to or have the opportunity to have a family. I am an only child and I really do think that if it wasn't for me being and only child that me dealing with this would be more difficult than it already is.
I spoke with my mommy and God last night and I am alright with things...as the song says "it is well with my soul". I will continue to mourn the passing of my mother...until Thursday, June 18 at 12p.m. The casket will be shut and no one else will ever see the physical remains of my mother again. I do not plan on being there when people view my mother in the casket...I saw her alive...although not responsive...and that is how I want to remember my mother...alive...even in the shape she was in...she was alive! I saw my mother dead in that hospital ICU unit...and that is all I want to remember...no more. There will be no limo...no flowers...no processional...no repast at the house...none of that extra stuff that is so traditional...mom and I are not traditional...we just want the basics and for all to have a good time. I have to pick out her clothes, write the obituary, pick her burial ground, make the funeral arrangements, talk with the church about the program, and make sure all of that is financed...and that is just the beginning...the rest will be harder...taking care of a house and car and making sure her finances and assets are taking care of...now in my name! It is not easy and no one said it will be...have I had time the grieve...yes! Have I had time to cry...yes! Have I had time to come to grips about a beautiful woman that was my mother being deceased...yes! Can I live my life with her no longer speaking to me in a physical manner and that all I have left is memories and pictures...yes!
I can do all of those things...the one thing I find it difficult to do is to actually let people help me. My mom and I were the "do it yourself" express! We tried not to be a burden on others and did not want to feel like we owed someone something...that's when some folks start "talkin' loud and sayin' nothin'" some of you reading this who have dealt with this know what I am speaking about. For those that wonder...yes I feel great and I thank all of you for your support and calls and cards and food...and also I thank you in advance for the upcoming support and so on! Many of you have done more than my aunt's and uncle's have done...seems like nothing changes...just the stars of the show.
So folks let's take the time and grieve as much as you can...until the celebration of the person's life happens...and do what has taken years for me to practice and master...move on!! My mother was not taken from me because the God we serve is a God of love and does not take from us...He gives. He allowed my mother to be given to me and has given the world a gift... and I am sure he will give me something back that is just as good as my mother, she could never be replaced, but He does take care of His own...whatever it is I don't know, but it what is in store for me I am anticipating it. I am not going to pick the bones like others do and dwell and sulk in it...I can't do that anymore. I did that for a few days and had to come to the understanding that my mother has passed on...I am a part of her...I am a a living and breathing representation of her....I respect it and will not shame it!
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