I would first like to thank all of you who have had kind words, offered your shoulders to cry on, gave a listening ear, cards, notes, letters, phone calls, and the many small and large deeds of kindness for the past several weeks! Is is GREATLY appreciated during this time of my mother's death and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I don't know how to repay you but there will be genuine reciprocity from the bottom of my heart to you. I once again thank you very much and heartily!
I have completed the mourning stage of the death of my mother. As I stated on Thursday at her celebration of life ceremony, I did not go there to mourn...I have had time to do that. (On a side note I did enjoy playing as well...Rev Christmas and I have always sounded great to the church and of course my mommy loved it when we would play...yes the itch has never left and my skills have always been tight...I may start up again in another church...stay tuned...) It is now time for me to be happy about the situation and understand that in some ways...she knew that her last days were coming soon. It is odd the way she left her house...sure it is always spotless...but this was an eerie spotless of her knowing that she may not come back. I was told by my great aunt Lucy that she called her and was speaking in a manner that was unlike her...like she was making amends. Mr. Robert (her boyfriend) said that the last song that they sang in the car to the hospital was "I'm Going Up Yonder!" so I guess she knew something...and of course she didn't want me to worry...because she knew that I would...and she has "gone up yonder"! I am now alone on this planet to cherish memories and handle the business of moving on and making sure her affairs are taken care of...and also the lawyers I WILL hire to make sure that others are not ever in this situation from a mistake made by a doctor/surgeon!
I sometimes think I am in a bad dream, and the realization of knowing that I am not..has made me stronger. My smile will be brighter and wider very soon. I am at peace and in confidence that I can say that my mother is deceased, a part of my heart may be broken, but she and God are confident, that I have ALL of the tools needed to move on. I would have loved to given my mother a daughter-in-law and some grandchildren...but that was and is not His will right now...He has something big in store for me...so I will say it...I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING BIG IS GOING TO HAPPEN...and when I say those words... and when I get that feeling...it usually does happen. That is why I am not worried...I will be okay and I will be receiving a huge blessing!
As far as the surgeon goes, I forgive him. He made a mistake, and though it was a costly mistake...both literally, (and will be financially)...I do not hate him or think he is a bad person or surgeon. We all make mistakes that are large and small and we all pay for them in some way. I am sure if he could do the surgery over again he would have been more careful...but that is not the case. I hope he will be more careful and realize that just because you are coined as "the best" does not mean that you can do things in a careless and cocky manner. I hope God blesses him and gives him peace of mind that he can carry on treating and operating on others in a pristine and humbling fashion and that he does not wallow in any shame!
I am right now not seeking anything more than peace of mind, the health and strength to endure all things, and the gift and application of wisdom. I feel that with those I will be able to make it! SO...I may tell a few stories here and there about my mother...maybe share some memories...I might reflect to the point of tears...Yeah I may be what my god-sister calls me " the invincible C-Pain" but I am also human and yes vulnerable to the human phenomena.
I will leave you all with the words that my mother always said to me when we got off the phone with each other...I will start saying this at the end of my writings as a tribute to my mother...
I LOVE YOU...BUT GOD LOVES YOU MORE!!