Friday, May 8, 2009
You Don't See What I See!!
I come into the lab today and I am not really feeling too bad or too good. I suppose I am just neutral, although I am in a good mood. In some recent discussions with someone it has been a conversation concerning my weight and how I am losing it. It is more the latter than anything. I am not one who worries about myself too often unless I am on the verge of dying...which has already happened several times, or about to go broke beyond repair...which has happened one time. I have said and I will continue to say that every time I was rolled into a hospital, I came out of the hospital walking...on my own two feet. My body has taken so much and yet I am still pumping strong and able to live healthy.
I am no fool though. I have lost considerable amount of weight, but for the past nine months I have unfortunately gained some of the weight lost...back! Now I lost the weight because of complications with my diabetic medicine, but it was helping me to lose weight in it's own way...which turned out to be harmful. I have now returned to taking some of the left over pills to kick start the process that caused me to lose the weight and also doing some other things...in excess to quicken the process...but someone close to me does not like the process and has said that they will not support it...as this person would say they would discontinue our friendship because of my antics and methods of weight loss.
I am quite disturbed by this. Grant it, it is not to the extreme of taking heroin or crack...it is not that. Nor am I attempting to end my life...I can understand that you won't allow someone to do that...this is just weight loss. I will be sexier and thinner...so I will get penalized for trying to improve myself...no matter the method chosen by me? But their methods will satisfy? That has still not clicked into my mind and is really hard to fathom the "ease" of just walking away.
I do not think this person knows the difficulties in weight I have had and finally got to be a size that was not embarrassing and that I was able to fit...regular clothes that did not have multiple "X's"! I was excited that day I was able to go to Old Navy and fit a damn shirt or a pair of freaking' jeans! The excitement of looking at old clothes and to be amazed at how they look like a dress on you now...a dress!! Nor do I feel that this person knows how I did not feel attractive nor did I feel that I would gain a freaking date...when all know that looks do matter...under no circumstances did I ever believe that a woman would consider being with me notwithstanding weight...ha ha ha that was a farce. I am sure most men and women know this. It is not only how you feel about your self, but also the person you wish to have that also has a say in how you may look to them...at the outset...the initial attraction is what I am speaking of. If they don't like you then as you are...they never will. I digress.
I worry about other people, I know I will be okay. I am not used to people caring about what I do. I have been aloof for...hmm...all of my life. I take pleasure in things that many would say are not "normal". I have been one to find calmness in things that would make others cringe and scared half to death...I am sometimes impenetrable! I have never conformed, don't really want to lose sight of myself as that almost happened back in 2003 and 2004. I am not going to leave the lab...I never put my glasses on in this post...sometimes they don't help your vision when you reflect!