If you have gotten this far in your reading about the things a Black woman will not do, then this might be the point that some Black women will not read, be very offended, or utterly deny. Volume 4 focused on the ability of a Black woman to accept interracial relationships. Thus, now in Volume 8, the emphasis will expound upon the attitude the Black woman has with and towards the Black man. I will not just explain some of the reasons for this, but I will also propose solutions. Do not think that this volume is to portray the Black woman in a bad light. As a Black man, ( for some who have read previous Volumes have painted me to look like a Black male Black woman basher) I am stating what I have and other Black men have experienced. Furthermore, this attitude that Black women have is common toward Black men. Who is to blame for this attitude? The answer is plain and simple-Black women and Black men.
Black woman’s fault:
Take it as a signal concerning the state of our society, specifically Black society, which most mothers are single and the father is absent. Absent-meaning that they do not contribute to the development of the child. Financial means of aid and child support is not a means to help develop a child. Many Black women have a great time in raising their daughters. It’s somewhat an easier task due to the ability to empathize with the triumphs and tragedy of womanhood. On the other hand, raising a boy into a man is a great challenge. It is unfortunate that many Black women have been left to complete and conquer this challenge alone. For the most part, Black women have failed. What is the level of failure? Pretty much it is a 50/50 rate, which in my eyes is failure. Place me in the category of success. I am in the 50% that was able to be raised into a man and not a boy. Did my single mother have a hard time? Yes she did! Why did she have a hard time?-Because, there is/was no man around to help raise a boy into a man. You can simply put it in the realm as a woman attempting to pee standing up, and teaching a boy how to do so. It is not something that can be done with success. In addition, this single motherhood has now lead boys (being raised by women) into the wonderful life of womanhood!
Raising Black boys into Black womanhood
Here is the cycle:
-A Black woman meets a Black “man” that is really a Black “boy” because he was raised by a Black woman (with no support from the Black “man” that impregnated her).
-The Black woman attempts to raise the Black boy on her own with minimal help from Black males.
-The Black “man” she has raised turns into a male that has female character traits (as in the film Baby Boy).
-He is not able to distance himself from his mother because the mother has tried (and failed) to boost this “man” into manhood with strong words, tough love, loud talks, easy talks, hard talks, spankings with belts, switches, broom handles, bedroom slippers, etc., police intervention, church prayers, solitary prayers, anointing of oil, kicking out of the house, urging to get employment, making them get better grades in school, urging to go to college, military, comparisons to other son’s of other parents (including other single mothers) and the list goes on. The Black “man” as a result could end up in jail (or the criminal justice system), addicted to drugs, selling drugs, choosing to be homosexual, having no determination and aspiration to do better in life, etc.
Note: I am not afraid to speak upon the results (listed above) because this is the reality in many cities in the United States. I can without any equivocation confirm that this is the path many Black “men” take because of a poor upbringing. This has not happened to me, but has happened to some of my friends and it is sad. I am not going to entertain any comments toward me saying that I am uplifting a stereotype of what happens to Black males, unfortunately…this is the path. The purpose of this particular section of this Volume is to make it plain and apparent where this path (in many cases) came from.
-With all that the Black woman has done to raise her Black “boy” into a successful Black “man”, statistics show that he impregnates a Black woman, and she can’t get the support that the impregnating Black “man” did not get as a Black “boy”. Thus, the newly impregnated Black woman can quite possibly repeat the cycle of her child’s Grandmother of raising a Black “man” into womanhood IF the child is male. Imagine if the Black woman has several male children that she is raising at simultaneously, the cycle can and has reached an epidemic scale.
How do we make sure the cycle ends? As said in Volume 4, Black women should make better choices in the MEN (Black and otherwise) that they date and allow to have sex with them! The “bad boys” are not the type a man the Black woman should allow into their life and feel that their “love” will sustain them. The nurturing spirit of a Black woman will take over and attempt to change this “boy” into a man by doing what a WOMAN would do to raise her DAUGHTER! Ask yourself if those tactics will work on a male you wish to mold into a man. Don’t be alarmed when that does not work in child rearing a Black boy into a man and do not be surprised if it does not work when dating a “bad boy”.
Potential vs. Actualization
Believe it or not this is where my own mother and I bumped heads years ago. I would say something positive like I had a job interview. She would look at me with regular and non-caring eyes and say (with a condescending tone) “good”. I asked her why she sounded so disappointed and she told me that it would be better if I had the job rather than to be happy for an interview. Potential vs. Actualization- I know many of my Black male friends that have desires and dreams to become (fill in the blank). It is one thing to have the potential in the mind, and the other to have the goal become a reality. Rule is to know that the Black woman has gotten tired of the potential that a Black male may speak of and she wants to see it happen. It might be harsh and many Black men have said that they would not date or marry a Black woman because they will only get with them after they are successful. Many Black women will present the idea that as soon as a Black man becomes rich, famous, successful, or a celebrity, that the Black man will be soon to marry and endear himself to a woman of another ethnicity. Black men should be taught that it is great to have potential, but it is more important to realize the result of your goals. Do not say to a Black woman what could be done, if it is not done? Do not answer questions with the responses of “almost”, “tried”, “possibly”, or “potentially” the Black woman wants results. The Black woman has heard and been offered pipe dreams before and does not have the time nor the energy to entertain those postulates. Proof is through actualization. If it is not in the hand, then do not count on it. Do not say something is there, when it has not formulated and has not actually come to pass. Essentially, the Black woman will not put herself in a position whether mentally or physically to be let down. Have your shit together!
Black man’s fault:
Learning how to be and being a man- rather than being a male.
It is hard. It is difficult to be a Black man in the United States. That is not an excuse for not being a man. This is different from being a male; I am speaking of being a man. I did not have many male images in my life, but the images I did have were not the best ones. I had uncles that were close to me in some respects, a cousin that I was close to, and my grandfather who was great! The men I had the most contact with were the one’s my mother dated and/or married. From the examples that were in my face, I learned what NOT to do and I benefited from those hard lessons. I learned to take care of my children if I have any! It is more than just a check and an occasional appearance at a birthday party. It is more than a phone call and a date to the movies. It is the simple lesson of taking care of responsibilities. It is a matter of making good choices in the woman you have sex with. It is looking inside and wanting the child to live successfully and to be reared in the best way possible. Men do this for their children and essentially for the woman that he decided to lay down and create with. It is not bashing the mother of the child. It is not calling her names. It is not disrespecting her (on television talk shows that we all know of) to her friends, privately, publicly, or in any manner. Men will respect a woman at all costs.
Men will also not physically and/or verbally abuse a woman. A woman is not a punching bag…those are found in workout facilities. Men that are struck by women (yes it is wrong for them to do that) must have the manhood in the fiber of their being to walk away and recognize that you fight fire with water. The man should have the realization to protect the lady at all costs so that she is safe from all harm and that he should not be the catalyst for the harm that could come her way. He must show her that chivalry is alive and well. Hold the door open for her. Enter in places after her. Allow her to sometimes “wear the pants”. The best a man can prove himself to be to a woman, she will assuredly reciprocate (for the most part). Love is protection and abusing a woman is not protecting her!
Date Black women (or women period) and not “girls”.
Men will also choose to be with a woman instead of a “girl”. It is easy to make sure this is done. How do I know? That’s right-don’t ask how I know, I just know. There has to be a point as a man and specifically as a Black man when you stop trying to impress and focus on improving. Stop trying to impress a woman with your car, and improve by purchasing a home. Stop trying to impress with your watch and apply to be accepted to earn more education. Stop trying to buy designer clothes and invest in a Roth I.R.A. Women love a man that has his mind, finances, priorities, values, ethics, educational plans, future plans, etc. in order and actualized! Improving your life becomes impressive and in the end will take you farther with a Black woman or any woman period. Girls, like a boy that talks a lot about his plans and has dreams of the pie in the sky, but does not have the sense of mind or the fortitude to make that pie a reality to construct, bake, taste, and enjoy!
Let go of anger and realize there is no entitlement owed or to be expected.
I usually call it B.M.S. (Black Man Syndrome) because most Black men have it. It is this overwhelming anger that we have and it takes awhile to let it go. This also coincides with some Black men feeling entitled to have or to be a particular value to a person or group. Many Black women that have incorrectly raised Black males have contributed to the B.M.S., but many Black men have continued to sustain and strengthen it. For example, if a boy happens to fall and skin his knee, the boy is told not to cry. He it told to “man up”! He is told that “big boys don’t cry”! The mother reaches out and kisses the boy on his injured area and is hugged and told to “Shhhh don’t cry! Mommy will make it better and make the hurt go away!” This is the set-up that many men have fallen for. The boy ought to cry. The boy ought to let out his feelings until the pain goes away. How can a woman tell a boy to man up? The boy feels entitled to attention when he is hurt...and we all know there are various forms of hurt, not just physical. Furthermore, the male is told in his later years that “real men can cry and show his feelings”, when he has learned in his formative years that he should be quiet and let his mother help his hurt go away. In some form or fashion this leads to being a “big baby” and the male is expecting to be coddled and nurtured when he is wronged or “hurt” by someone. Black men have to “get over” it and realize that the directions and results of the world will not always be in their favor and to just grin and bear it. It is difficult to do, but the responsibility once again goes back to the Black male relationship he should have with his father.
I can only say that there are a few words that can solve this issue. With the definitions included with these words, a total picture can be formed about the relationship Black women and Black men should have with each other.
Whether or not the participants in the relationship are Black or of any other ethnicity the two parties involved must realize that in order to have an adult relationship, the parties involved must act and be adults. When the Black man and Black women share the above, their relationship will be golden. Their bond will be one to marvel over. It is not impossible and I see it every day. The attitude that Black women have toward Black men (and yes vice versa) will change. Don’t be surprised to see the attitudes melt away.
To prove that there are Black women that do not have the patronizing attitude toward Black men, I have added two songs that are uplifting and celebrate Black men! Enjoy!
I Love You But, God Love's You More!