Stepping into the lab I find myself in that weird mood. I am quite comfortable with being an outsider, I actually enjoy it. I am not one who yes I will use the word again, CONFORM! I have lived a life in a way that many will disagree with...knowing the possibility and skeptical about the present. I don't trust very many people, and when I say to someone I don't trust them that much it is a constant and common reaction presented to me that something is wrong with me saying it. It is an issue of patience with both me and the other party, and I will not lie and say I trust someone with one hundred percent heart and soul when I don't! It is extremely difficult for me to do it and yes it is from past experiences. I am skeptical, paranoid some may call it and I am alright with that. I would rather be in the car alone and driving in many instances than to put my life in the hand of someone else...yes that requires trust...it also requires knowing that there are some situations that I can not control. So I will only control what I can and deal with the things that I can't deal with.
In addition, I happen to speak the truth about what others can do. I do not and will not fall into the trap of naivety. I have done that before...using the common vernacular of: giving the benefit of the doubt...I don't do it. I have done these things in the past and I have learned my lesson from it time and time again...thus I give no one the benefit of the doubt. If someone wants that; well that is not something i can do. i have been called bitter, have baggage, stubborn, insensitive, and all of the names people would like to use for things like these but, all in all...who the heck doesn't have or had, or continue to be the latter and former? I live in a place, both physical domain and mental domain where you can try to take people for their word...but I don't! You can try to see how people are by their actions...but I don't! If the actions and words don't coincide...I disregard it. Words and actions are supposed to match. The statement of actions speak louder than words is wrong...they have the same volume and are suppose to be congruent.
I have also been told that I need to get over my past and what not..I will say in all honesty that I am over past experiences, and I will not be a fool ever again. It might make individuals upset when I say what they can do...potentially do...possibly do...if the opportune time came what could happen...even if they haven't done it! Yes because I look at all of the picture...so they haven't done it! So they haven't done me in and turned out to be another product of the past just packaged differently...I will speak the truth on it! I shall not be any one's fool and it might be an issue that some may not like again, but i have spoken the truth. What makes someone want to think that the possibilities are not there...even though it has not been done yet. I know what can be done and if it is done then I was right. If it is not done well then that person may live up to their words and actions...but I will make sure that if I do put total trust in someone that they will be on the level in my mind that they will not treat me as others have.
I am sure that this is not a popular way to think, and yes I have even talked to some professionals about it but that is the way i operate, sure it is unpopular...maybe even sickening to some that they will say that I might need to go back and see my therapist...but these folks have no clue what has happened to me in the past...yes i said past...but it also makes me more aware of the present and future. So although it might not have happened yet, there is always a possibility...there is always potential energy!
I will leave the lab now and realize that I am going to get some fire and brimstone about this from others who may read this...I am ready!!