Thursday, May 21, 2009
When You Know You Can't Do "It" Anymore!!
I have been thinking about the proverbial "it" for awhile and it is startling to me. It is to the point that I am almost afraid to write it in my own blog...but as you can see that has subsided. The "it" could be anything...that will be my disclaimer for those who would like an exact and definitive response to what I am speaking about...but once again I will put this in general for you...and I will know the specifics of what I am talking about.
I don't really know anymore. I have put myself in a position that I have been in before but this time I am very resistant to it. Some of my friends say it is fear...nope! Some others say it is insecurity...nope! A few of them say it is not programmed in me...maybe! I just know right now that I don't want to. "It" truly makes me sick to think that "it" could happen to me...and to be the anomoly...again...doesn't bother me at all. I think it is amazing to others that I think this way and it scares them half to death. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you just don't want to and refuse to because "it" is not you! Whether "it" lasts for the moment, a week, a year, a month...what ever the time frames I know me and I recognize who and what I am. The software is in me...but "it" is not functional and nor will "it" ever work...unless...
I relish in being different. I used to try to be like everyone else...when I discovered that was a dangerous thing. I have said that those who always try to please others will be and is a FAILURE! I don't concern myself with the overall pleasing of others...and for many instances I have not pleased others in what I say, how or what I do...what I express, what I choose...I am good with that! But the "it" factor is present when you have escaped the covers of making the number one person in your life satisfied...that's you...that's yourself...that's you...yourself...and that's right only you!
I have changed my esteem and many may feel it was the change in the weight...nope! It was the new found friends and ladies that became interested in me...nope! It was the fact that I looked at myself in which I hadn't before...I didn't use a mirror from someone elses cabinet, or a thought from someone elses mind...I made my own and came up with the standards I choose to live by and uphold...then that "it"...comes up again!
I can say overall and in totality I am happy...but the "it" is a question...an extremely hard question for me to answer. I am okay with what the "it" is and can do... but what does "it" really mean and why am I hesitant of "it"? I guess I will find out someday! Another experiment that will take awhile to react!