There is a game that most of us play. We all do it and it is easy for us to hide
our cries. You rarely see on Instagram or Facebook the cries that we have. We mostly read them through our status
messages or in vain Twitter responses.
If we were to be judged for an Academy Award for the way we “act” and “carry
on” , I am sure that the nominees would be far too many to mention and so great
to even attempt to reward. I can admit for the past few months that I have done
a good of of hiding …mostly. Those that
know (which are few) are privy to my uncertainty and bewilderment of what is
next for my life. Is it marriage or
children? Is it a new job or position? Is it another traveling spree to a
different country or State? I do not know.
Most of us are in the bucket of trying to
figure out what is next, soon to come, or awaiting our attention, our instinct
is to hide the cries and place our smiles into the forefront. I doubt this cycle or way of life will never
end. I guess what I will begin to do is
to ponder what is behind the smile someone has, or what is included in the
smile from a posted photo. The very same
reason behind our smiles could be shared with another. Funny thing is that we act so well, our
acting jobs are so superb…we may never know!
I do not have an introductory word for it. Can’t place a subject in the sentence… for as
much as I try, there is no word. All I know is that when I first saw these two
young ladies, I had to say something to them, approach them, and I was
determined to get their name, phone number… something so that I could keep in
touch and get to know them better. Years
later I am glad to say that progress has been made, and I am still intrigued by
them. I will admit that it is very hard for
any woman to keep my attention. As can
be read in previous blog entries, I am one that is very hard to impress. It is not that I am too picky (well maybe it
is), but I am not in the mood nor interested in dating a nitwit, dimwit, spaced
out, horny, skit-scat, hood rat, female.
I mean that with the greatest of respect.
I digress. I don’t
know what it is about “Sunshine” and “K-Boogie”, but they have really got me
going nuts the past few years. I have
occupied my time with others and decided not to press too hard knowing that one
of them is going to be with me at some point in my life. If they aren’t, well all I can say that it
has been great getting to know them and learning about them. Funny thing is that, no one else has caught
my eye or attention in that way. Is it
true that ___________ at first sight is true?
Is it just a weird and ridiculous saying someone thought would be cool
to exclaim? Is the postulate nothing but refrigerator poetry? In my life I have not known anyone to say it
was __________ from the moment they laid eyes on that person. I just know that I have not been able to
place a word in the “blank”. I suppose it is meant for that “blank” to be
filled after you land the person that caused the ____________ at first
sight. In any event, I will sit back and
see.
I gave up something for Lent. It is not like I am addicted
to it, but it is something that many people struggle with…sex! Now when you are getting it on the regular it
is like a routine. The person you are
engaging in this activity with is also willing to create this sexual episode
littered with lust and freakishness.
However, when you have now wished that away and committed to not doing
it…at least for the Lenten season, I can admit it is difficult.
Sometimes you are in your own space and alone and want some
affection for the night. You have an
urge to make a phone call, you take hot/cold showers, and you do whatever you
have to short of pleasuring yourself to make that feeling go away. It works at times and sometimes it doesn’t. I had that urge today to make a call, and
then I remember what Leah said…just pray it away!
I did and the instant after the word “Amen”, the urge instantaneously
vanished. It is not that I don’t have a relationship with God, but I knew that
I needed to be closer to Him this year to figure out some things with my life. I
decided to sacrifice a vice for the purpose of increasing my faith in the Lord
and letting him fight ALL battles. It is not just key to do the aforementioned
in the time of Lent, but also everyday all day.
No one is perfect…that is what many people
exclaim. The statement is true for the
most part. When dealing with dating, I
highly disagree! I refuse to settle for
imperfection. I am a very hard critic and
I will admit that the smallest thing/incident/stupid statement/weird
action/dumb discussion will turn me off and I lose interest quickly. Isn’t it supposed to?
Then someone will say to me…”Don’t sweat the small
stuff”! Tell that to a dog that has a
flea on its ass and I am sure that the dog would highly disagree. Small things turn into big things and thus,
small things need to be dealt with before they are exacerbated. I digress.
I have always said that the lady that I end up with will be perfect in
my eyes. My eyes are the only eyes that
matter right? Since that is the case then she is perfect for and to me.
That stupid 80/20 rule that Tyler Perry came up with
is a fallacy. The 50/50 song about love
that Teddy Pendergrass sings is a farce as well. One hundred percent and no less is how I figure
it should be. I am supposed to be 100%
satisfied and happy, not an 80% success rate.
The love shared should come from 100% of both parties, not the equivalent
of a 50% to 50% relationship. Share 100% of your love 100% of the time, I figure
that it would be great for both parties.
I have asked myself the past few weeks, why in the
world do I give chances to some women that I know are not of the 100%
satisfaction rate? Why am I not satisfied when they are perfectly good women? I
guess it is because I like having options and an occasional date or time spent
with someone from the opposite sex is cool.
On the other hand, I don’t want to lead them on and
secretly hope it fizzles out until there is a woman that excites me every minute
and challenges this incredible mind I posses.
So until that time, I surmise I should tone it down with the dates and
just enjoy my solitude even more.
Perfection will come along soon, I just can’t force it!
If you have gotten this far in your reading about the things
a Black woman will not do, then this might be the point that some Black women
will not read, be very offended, or utterly deny. Volume 4 focused on the ability of a Black
woman to accept interracial relationships. Thus, now in Volume 8, the emphasis
will expound upon the attitude the Black woman has with and towards the Black
man. I will not just explain some of the reasons for this, but I will also
propose solutions. Do not think that this volume is to portray the Black woman
in a bad light. As a Black man, ( for some who have read previous Volumes have
painted me to look like a Black male Black woman basher) I am stating what I
have and other Black men have experienced. Furthermore, this attitude that
Black women have is common toward Black men.
Who is to blame for this attitude?
The answer is plain and simple-Black women and Black men.
Black woman’s fault:
Single Motherhood
Take it as a signal concerning the state of our society,
specifically Black society, which most mothers are single and the father is
absent. Absent-meaning that they do not
contribute to the development of the child. Financial means of aid and child
support is not a means to help develop a child.
Many Black women have a great time in raising their daughters. It’s
somewhat an easier task due to the ability to empathize with the triumphs and
tragedy of womanhood. On the other hand,
raising a boy into a man is a great challenge.
It is unfortunate that many Black women have been left to complete and
conquer this challenge alone. For the
most part, Black women have failed. What
is the level of failure? Pretty much it
is a 50/50 rate, which in my eyes is failure.
Place me in the category of success. I am in the 50% that was able to be
raised into a man and not a boy. Did my
single mother have a hard time? Yes she
did! Why did she have a hard time?-Because,
there is/was no man around to help raise a boy into a man. You can simply put it in the realm as a woman
attempting to pee standing up, and teaching a boy how to do so. It is not something that can be done with
success. In addition, this single
motherhood has now lead boys (being raised by women) into the wonderful life of
womanhood!
Raising
Black boys into Black womanhood
Here is the cycle:
-A Black woman meets a Black “man” that is really a Black
“boy” because he was raised by a Black woman (with no support from the Black
“man” that impregnated her).
-The Black woman attempts to raise the Black boy on her own
with minimal help from Black males.
-The Black “man” she has raised turns into a male that has
female character traits (as in the film Baby Boy).
-He is not able to distance himself from his mother because
the mother has tried (and failed) to boost this “man” into manhood with strong
words, tough love, loud talks, easy talks, hard talks, spankings with belts,
switches, broom handles, bedroom slippers, etc., police intervention, church
prayers, solitary prayers, anointing of oil, kicking out of the house, urging
to get employment, making them get better grades in school, urging to go to
college, military, comparisons to other son’s of other parents (including other
single mothers) and the list goes on.
The Black “man” as a result could end up in jail (or the criminal
justice system), addicted to drugs, selling drugs, choosing to be homosexual,
having no determination and aspiration to do better in life, etc.
Note: I am not afraid to speak upon the results
(listed above) because this is the reality in many cities in the United
States. I can without any equivocation
confirm that this is the path many Black “men” take because of a poor
upbringing. This has not happened to me,
but has happened to some of my friends and it is sad. I am not going to entertain any comments
toward me saying that I am uplifting a stereotype of what happens to Black
males, unfortunately…this is the path.
The purpose of this particular section of this Volume is to make it
plain and apparent where this path (in many cases) came from.
-With all that the Black woman has done to raise her Black
“boy” into a successful Black “man”, statistics show that he impregnates a
Black woman, and she can’t get the support that the impregnating Black “man”
did not get as a Black “boy”. Thus, the newly impregnated Black woman can quite
possibly repeat the cycle of her child’s Grandmother of raising a Black “man”
into womanhood IF the child is male. Imagine if the Black woman has several
male children that she is raising at simultaneously, the cycle can and has reached
an epidemic scale.
How do we make sure the cycle ends? As said in Volume 4, Black women should make
better choices in the MEN (Black and otherwise) that they date and allow to have
sex with them! The “bad boys” are not the type a man the Black woman should
allow into their life and feel that their “love” will sustain them. The nurturing spirit of a Black woman will
take over and attempt to change this “boy” into a man by doing what a WOMAN
would do to raise her DAUGHTER! Ask yourself if those tactics will work on a
male you wish to mold into a man. Don’t be alarmed when that does not work in child
rearing a Black boy into a man and do not be surprised if it does not work when
dating a “bad boy”.
Potential vs. Actualization
Believe it or not this is where my own mother and I bumped
heads years ago. I would say something
positive like I had a job interview. She
would look at me with regular and non-caring eyes and say (with a condescending
tone) “good”. I asked her why she
sounded so disappointed and she told me that it would be better if I had the
job rather than to be happy for an interview.
Potential vs. Actualization- I know many of my Black male friends that
have desires and dreams to become (fill in the blank). It is one thing to have the potential in the
mind, and the other to have the goal become a reality. Rule is to know that the Black woman has
gotten tired of the potential that a Black male may speak of and she wants to
see it happen. It might be harsh and
many Black men have said that they would not date or marry a Black woman because
they will only get with them after they are successful. Many Black women will present the idea that
as soon as a Black man becomes rich, famous, successful, or a celebrity, that
the Black man will be soon to marry and endear himself to a woman of another
ethnicity. Black men should be taught
that it is great to have potential, but it is more important to realize the
result of your goals. Do not say to a
Black woman what could be done, if it is not done? Do not answer questions with the responses of
“almost”, “tried”, “possibly”, or “potentially” the Black woman wants results.
The Black woman has heard and been offered pipe dreams before and does not have
the time nor the energy to entertain those postulates. Proof is through actualization. If it is not in the hand, then do not count
on it. Do not say something is there,
when it has not formulated and has not actually come to pass. Essentially, the Black woman will not put
herself in a position whether mentally or physically to be let down. Have your shit together!
Black man’s fault:
Learning
how to be and being a man- rather than being a male.
It is hard. It is
difficult to be a Black man in the United States. That is not an excuse for not being a
man. This is different from being a male;
I am speaking of being a man. I did not have many male images in my life, but
the images I did have were not the best ones.
I had uncles that were close to me in some respects, a cousin that I was
close to, and my grandfather who was great!
The men I had the most contact with were the one’s my mother dated
and/or married. From the examples that
were in my face, I learned what NOT to do and I benefited from those hard
lessons. I learned to take care of my children if I have any! It is more than just a check and an occasional
appearance at a birthday party. It is
more than a phone call and a date to the movies. It is the simple lesson of
taking care of responsibilities. It is a
matter of making good choices in the woman you have sex with. It is looking inside and wanting the child to
live successfully and to be reared in the best way possible. Men do this for
their children and essentially for the woman that he decided to lay down and
create with. It is not bashing the
mother of the child. It is not calling
her names. It is not disrespecting her
(on television talk shows that we all know of) to her friends, privately,
publicly, or in any manner. Men will respect a woman at all costs.
Men will also not physically and/or verbally abuse a woman.
A woman is not a punching bag…those are found in workout facilities. Men that are struck by women (yes it is wrong
for them to do that) must have the manhood in the fiber of their being to walk
away and recognize that you fight fire with water. The man should have the realization to
protect the lady at all costs so that she is safe from all harm and that he
should not be the catalyst for the harm that could come her way. He must show her that chivalry is alive and well. Hold the door open for her. Enter in places after her. Allow her to sometimes “wear the pants”. The best a man can prove himself to be to a
woman, she will assuredly reciprocate (for the most part). Love is protection
and abusing a woman is not protecting her!
Date Black women (or women period) and not
“girls”.
Men will also choose to be with a woman instead of a
“girl”. It is easy to make sure this is
done. How do I know? That’s right-don’t ask how I know, I just
know. There has to be a point as a man
and specifically as a Black man when you stop trying to impress and focus on
improving. Stop trying to impress a
woman with your car, and improve by purchasing a home. Stop trying to impress with your watch and
apply to be accepted to earn more education. Stop trying to buy designer
clothes and invest in a Roth I.R.A. Women love a man that has his mind,
finances, priorities, values, ethics, educational plans, future plans, etc. in
order and actualized! Improving your
life becomes impressive and in the end will take you farther with a Black woman
or any woman period. Girls, like a boy
that talks a lot about his plans and has dreams of the pie in the sky, but does
not have the sense of mind or the fortitude to make that pie a reality to
construct, bake, taste, and enjoy!
Let go of
anger and realize there is no entitlement owed or to be expected.
I usually call it B.M.S. (Black Man Syndrome) because most
Black men have it. It is this
overwhelming anger that we have and it takes awhile to let it go. This also coincides with some Black men
feeling entitled to have or to be a particular value to a person or group. Many Black women that have incorrectly raised
Black males have contributed to the B.M.S., but many Black men have continued
to sustain and strengthen it. For example, if a boy happens to fall and skin
his knee, the boy is told not to cry. He
it told to “man up”! He is told that
“big boys don’t cry”! The mother reaches
out and kisses the boy on his injured area and is hugged and told to “Shhhh
don’t cry! Mommy will make it better and make the hurt go away!” This is the set-up that many men have fallen
for. The boy ought to cry. The boy ought to let out his feelings until
the pain goes away. How can a woman tell
a boy to man up? The boy feels entitled
to attention when he is hurt...and we all know there are various forms of hurt,
not just physical. Furthermore, the male
is told in his later years that “real men can cry and show his feelings”, when
he has learned in his formative years that he should be quiet and let his
mother help his hurt go away. In some
form or fashion this leads to being a “big baby” and the male is expecting to
be coddled and nurtured when he is wronged or “hurt” by someone. Black men have to “get over” it and realize
that the directions and results of the world will not always be in their favor and
to just grin and bear it. It is
difficult to do, but the responsibility once again goes back to the Black male
relationship he should have with his father.
Solution
I can only say that there are a few words that can solve
this issue. With the definitions
included with these words, a total picture can be formed about the relationship
Black women and Black men should have with each other.
Love
Strength
Support
Understanding
Faith
Trust
Whether or not the participants in the relationship are
Black or of any other ethnicity the two parties involved must realize that in
order to have an adult relationship, the parties involved must act and be
adults. When the Black man and Black
women share the above, their relationship will be golden. Their bond will be one to marvel over. It is not impossible and I see it every day.
The attitude that Black women have toward Black men (and yes vice versa) will
change. Don’t be surprised to see the
attitudes melt away.
To prove that there are Black women that do not have the
patronizing attitude toward Black men, I have added two songs that are
uplifting and celebrate Black men! Enjoy!
