I am a positive person, or at least I try to be. In the life of a Black man that has mostly dated Black women, I have heard many things that will deny me (or any man) the ability or the propensity to get to know more about a lady. We ALL have our preferences and concentrations on what we find attractive and have defined our point of non-compromise. Men and women of all ethnicities, and especially my "sistas" talk about their "deal breakers".
For the sake of completeness and clarity a "deal breaker" is defined as:
An issue/occurrence(whether tangible, or superficial) that would stop an individual from starting and/or continuing the process of courting with the opposite sex.
Some examples of "deal breakers" are:
Lack of a job
Lack of a car
An abundance of children (one child can be too many for some)
Gold teeth...well bad dental aesthetics period
A cornucopia of friends of the opposite sex
Lack of a degree
A plethora of tattoos
I have have had conversations and been on plenty of dates and situations in which a Black woman will tell me her "deal breakers". Naturally one will take a mental inventory and see that they do fit the portal of preferences that will keep your chances of moving forward and progressing sustainable. Unfortunately after awhile it becomes more annoying hearing what a Black woman "can't do" rather than what she "can do"?
Maybe it is human nature as a whole about what a person will not accept and their willingness and boldness to share it to anyone who will listen. I feel there comes a time that you have to realize your abilities both mental and physical in a relationship as opposed to your difficulties to starting or continuing one. Many Black women seem to lack this ability, UNLESS it is brought to their attention.
I was in a situation in which a Black woman who we will name "Duddy" would tell me many of the "deal breakers" she had. Here are a few of Duddy's "deal Breakers"
Distance (out of state)
Not financially stable
Having more than 1 child
Not having pretty teeth
All of that was well and good with me. I suppose I was able to move to the next step of courting her since I was not in the categories previously mentioned. The problem came when there were no more conversations about what Duddy CAN'T do, and what Duddy CAN do! I asked her specifically and she could not answer the question. I can say that is where the courting stopped. I was not willing to move further with a person that is not willing to look within herself and find the things she CAN do. In point of fact, I suppose Duddy did not want to progress with me because I was someone she COULDN'T do (no pun intended)!
This seems to be a problem not only for Duddy, but for my good buddy...Tonya aka "Sunshine" (as Dizzy would call her). Tonya would be quick to tell me the things that she could not achieve with me and dodge plans we made for us to hang out. Her difficulties in doing things and hooking up. The apathy of ability to make plans with me in the long term. How she CAN NOT deal with issues that will put her on the spot and make definitive decisions that require conviction and a test of integrity. I caught on to that vibe. So I simply asked her one night to tell me what she can do and give me the things that she has the ability to do. The plans she can make. The time she can give and spare. The abilities that can come to fruition. To this day, those questions and requests have fell on deaf ears!
I am aware that I would be a fool to ask a Black woman or any woman for that matter what she CAN NOT do, put up with, compromise, accept, look the other way, give a person a pass, allow a mulligan, etc. Here is the irony of the situation that I find peculiar. With ALL that the Black woman has endured, triumphed, overcame, and so on, why can't many of them speak about what it is they CAN DO? I have heard the negativity with the name "boo-boo" at the end of their phrase and I can't hear anything that is positive. Why? Because nothing positive and optimistic is ever uttered.
There have to be some Black women out there that can tell us men some encouraging words and some gospel. There have got to be some Black women with good vibes and energy that strive to talk about their aptitude and not their incapability's. I like those aspects. So until that time, I'll just wait and see. There are some out there...maybe they will comment on this blog.
Before I am criticized about this blog, I do have some proof.
King James Version (KJV)
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
What are your "deal makers" instead of your "deal breakers"?
What is it that you CAN do or your CAPABILITIES in a relationship rather than what you CAN'T do or INCOMPETENCE'S?
I Love You But, God Love's You More!