Monday, November 8, 2010

How to receive love...

Much in my life has been taken away from me. All of my life I have given something up. I have had specific items tangible and those that are not stolen from me. Because of that, the empty space has been substituted. I feel like I am a repository of pain. I suppose that is the reason I can not take. That is the reason that that I would rather give to someone else than receive. There is a woman that loves me. I suppose she recognized the pain that I have inside and decided that her love would outweigh and replace my pain. When did I decide to let her love me? When did I decide that her love could erase hurting that has been built up for years? When did I decide that pushing the envelope and pushing just to push, might send her over the edge and for her to decide not to love me anymore? I can’t make the decision of whether or not someone can love me, but I can persuade them that their love can’t erase my agony. I realize that this is my mistake and my problem.

I have had so much snatched away from me, and the residual pride that has been instilled in me gets some sick joy or gratification that “this (fill in the blank) is just like the rest”. I will be the first to admit that it is not right. Unlike the others, I don’t want her to walk away. Unlike before, I know I need her to stay with me. Unlike before I can see. I can place my head on her chest and let it all out, like I did with my mother. I can trust her and not feel that I am going to lose. Why is it so difficult for me to take when someone is giving? I do not desire the “damn fool pride” to reside in me as it has taken root in my soul, to not allow anyone to see me in pain. If the truth be told, they can already see. If the truth be told, it is as apparent as the sun and the moon. It is as clear as the winter’s snow and the summer’s heat. Yet she decided that from what I have given to her, she would give to me as long as I understand that what she is giving is exclusive to me and as difficult for her to give as it is for me to be the recipient.

The only person I can blame is me, and the only person who needs to get it together is me. All that I ask from her is to know that I recognize all of what needs to be done for her to be with me. I don’t want her to hurt and I want to do the same for her as she has done for me, with nothing in return. I can not give to her without taking. It is a partnership and an affirmation of trust that should be guarded, respected, and never taken at face value. It is simply giving without expecting anything in return. It is the genuine preface of love.

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

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