Monday, June 6, 2011

The Pulpit Pimps!

Does thou know of the twelve?
That shall travel in the midst of night and even the day especially Sunday… they consider themselves to be soul controllers
Has thine eyes and ears mused upon their guise?
Has thine eyes seen the dreary architecture of their souls?
Verily I say unto you that their clay tablets have etched their words of salvation…
their Ten Demandments
Proven with the desire to inflict false hope, a doctrine of lies, and a multipurpose series of hand, cherry picked, Bible verses to slay upon the downtrodden who have been fooled to believe in them
They admit and discharge the inhabitants of their owned and operated Sick and Shut Inn
These false prophets that walk among you shall be known now and forever more as the Dirty Dozen

Thus they scowl for their prey in the midst of the night.
Devouring the multitude that end their late night escapades or were awakened in their slumber
Maybe thou has heard and seen them upon what they call the friendly airwaves as you are channel surfing among the late night infomercials and the bust your lust telephone chat lines.
Yea in those times of night, they hunt for the feeble minded that believe that their only fate is hell, fire, and brimstone
That they are broke, busted and disgusted
That their money is funny and their change is strange
And no hope of fixin’ their affliction
Humor me and journey through their corrupt land and revoke the validity of their demandments.

Enter into the dilapidated doors of the seven hundred club and behold Brother Pat within his crowd of hypocrites shouting:

Who needs a miracle?
Gawdt has a miracle with your name on it!
And for thine to receive it…
Call the prayer line and divulge thy personal information unto me,
Thou shalt receive numerous voice messages as I call unto you
To submit thou first fruits, thou tithes unto me and I shall render these miracles to you

Brother Creflo crept in the scene slick and smooth and said
Be obedient to the prophet of Gawdt and I can make you wealthy and healthy! Understand that if you don’t give no money, you won’t receive no money.

If thou shalt swiftly saunter to the registration table you will stumble upon Sister Joyce, Brother Peter, and Brother Benny beckoning you to:
Come to their hotel crusade at the Hilton or The Holiday Inn or at the Sheraton or at the Marriott to receive your supernatural healing and share your miracle testimony!
You will hear the naïve singing with glee and out of tune with Casio Keyboard Gospel Choir under the direction of sweet Brother Bobby singing the same hymns (H.Y.M.N. meaning Hustling Your Money Now) over and over and over as those that receive their so called miracles fall ever so gently to the floor and covered with a 250 thread count sheet from one of the hotel rooms shouting in tongues:

Momma Honda…Momma Honda…Momma Honda or

Sew let it Say Haiku… Sew let it say Haiku…Sew let it say Haiku or

Hyandai Toyota Subaru…Hyandai Toyota Subaru…Hyandai Toyota Subaru

A sloppily clothed man from the Dirty Dozen whose black Prada, styled cassock, featured a hand made white collar. It was simply a white Jordan head band with the Jumpman stretched and in view to make it appear as if it was the crucifix image of Jesus on the cross, screams another demandment:
I have been anointed by the almighty Gawdt to heal and grant miracles, because when I pray I get results... you see Gawdt always
Momma Honda
Momma Honda
Answers MY prayers!
I am not a prayer share-cropper, I will make sure that if you pay enough I will pray enough!
Touch your television screen RIGHT NOW as I pray and you will feel the power of the supernatural flow from me into you.

Brother Kerney is then conveniently interrupted by Brother Joel who speaks softly and appears as if he is on the verge of tears and says:

Put thy money in thy envelope
Place it in thy right hand
Hold up thy right hand and say it with me…
This envelope contains the seed
That Brother Joel has sown in your life
I will sew a seed in Brother Joel’s life
For his ministry
Of at least twenty-five dollars
I will place my seed in the collection plate
Or send my seed to the address posted on the television screen
So that Brother Joel’s Bentley may continue to sit next to his private chartered plane

Enter into one of the many telecast studios and you shalt see and hear Brother Robert being coached by Brother Jimmy. Who had a bottle spraying water onto his cheeks for the extra added tearful effect…
Thine eyes will also see…
Hold up…Brother
Naw Sister…
Okay, this is tricky, See what had happened was
See the make-up artist is in a little
Shall we say
legal mishap
Unfortunately, he was choking a cock okay a dick, that was not his own and when it crowed he could not deny it.
So he talked to the show’s director you know Brother Tyler and got his advice that if he dressed up as Francine (Madea’s long, long, long, lost sister) he would be able to escape the parishioners who had lost faith in him and caused several riots at his church.
So today…
Until further notice that is Brother Bishop Eddie
But I digresss…

Brother Robert had his lines down and with the facial expressions to boot he said:

Gawdt has commissioned me to open the closed doors that can not be opened and shut the doors that can not be shut and cause the miracles you need to happen in your life.
You see you may have tried it on your own and you see no change and that is why you are watching this telecast at this moment because I have the anointing.

Soon thereafter one of the Dirty Dozen’s prominent business men, Brother T.D. was seen signing autograph pictures from the Christian Freak-Nic’s wet choir robe contest and summoned parishioners to his table that was adorned with such miracle goodies like:
Miracle Oils
Miracle Soaps
Red Blood of Jesus Prayer Handkerchiefs
Anointed Stones of David
Miracle Spring Water
Money Green Prayer Cloths and
Anointed Faith Tools

As you embark upon leaving
Brother T.D. takes one more chance to once again harass you into purchasing
Books, DVD’s, CD’s, t-shirts,
Because this in his words…
This is just a business and business is booming!

I would have to say that he is absolutely correct. Pulpit pimps will have wonderful business…IN HELL!

I Love You, But God Loves You More!

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